One of the most common sources of anxiety in our lives is our relationships. When shit is off in our relationships, we can feel it everywhere. At work. At home. At play. And that tension can linger for years or decades if unaddressed. In this article, I outline 4 fundamental elements that can reduce anxiety and cultivate safety in any human relationship.
1. Words are Heard
In healthy relationships, our words matter. When our words are acknowledged by others, it reinforces that we are valued and competent beings. Feeling competent and valued in the context of a relationship provides us a healthy sense of safety, stability, and reliable predictability that we are going to be okay in the exchange. This is incredibly reassuring and soothing.
2. Perspectives are Valued
Everyone experiences the world differently. When our point of view is understood and assigned value by those around us, it creates space for our way of thinking and feeling to exist in peace. It makes us feel like it is okay to be ourself, and that we don’t need to hide, shrink, or minimize ourselves to avoid upsetting others. While it’s not necessary to agree with everyone on everything, this element does call on us to be able to step outside ourselves and respectfully consider the intelligence driving another person’s experience. When we feel safe with our own style of thinking, knowing that others can see merit in our experience as well, it creates a connection that is grounding and calming to our nervous system. It reinforces that we are good enough.
3. Boundaries are Respected
We all have our limits. When others respect our boundaries, it provides a relief and safety to know that our sensibilities will be protected, and not violated. It removes the need to anxiously walk on eggshells, tiptoe, mince our words, and be hypervigilant about someone crossing our sacred vulnerabilities. Knowing that we don’t have to worry about our sensitivities being crossed provides a layer of serenity that naturally reduces anxiety and promotes internal safety.
4. Words Align with Actions
Being in relationships where people say what they mean and mean what they say creates a congruence that is both predictable and comforting. Knowing that the person means it when they say they love and care for us, as evidenced by their loving and caring actions, supplies a level of security that is calming. We know what to expect. When you don’t have to second-guess, overthink, self-doubt what they “meant” because they are being consistent in word and deed, it can save tons of energy and make us relax, knowing we are in a safe place to exist right where we are. Just as we are.
When These Go Missing
The absence of the above are what create anxiety in relationships. When people are in relationships where their words don’t matter, perspectives are not valued, boundaries are not respected, and there is a disconnect between what is said and done, it is difficult to feel safe. Because there is indeed an absence of mental and emotional safety. In fact, it is usually the absence of these very elements that creates anxiety in people in the first place. Unfortunately, for many people with high anxiety, they did not experience these elements very much growing up. Their words were not heard, experiences were not believed, boundaries were disregarded, or they were consistently exposed to people who said one thing but did another (or all the above). This is where they learned that the world is unsafe. People cannot be trusted. And the world is unreliable. What’s more is that subconsciously, they have likely been drawn to relationships that lack the above elements as well because that is what they have been used to. That’s what they are most familiar with. Which has only reinforced the anxious pattern manifold.
There’s Still Hope
The good news is that thoughtful contemplation and guided processing of our relationship patterns can really turn things around significantly. When we exercise the courage to be bold about what we’ve been through, and intentional about the people we choose to be around, the outcome can be something powerful and profound.
It opens doors to unbridled:
- Self-worth.
- Self-respect.
- Self-confidence.
So, choose wisely.