How Relationship Anxiety Sabotages Connection

One of the most important topics in relationship psychology is how relationship anxiety sabotages connection. As a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, I am aware of this phenomenon very well. I counsel patients who struggle with relationship anxiety that in some cases leads them to sabotage their relationships without consciously realizing it. The good news is that relationship anxiety is a very treatable condition. Understanding and addressing relationship anxieties and sabotage attempts can transform the way you live your life and the quality of your interactions very powerfully, and in a very short period of time. In this post, I will describe how this dynamic works, various ways it can manifest, where it comes from, and key tips on how to disrupt the cycle so that you can connect more freely and lovingly again.

Imagine you’re having a nice conversation with someone: a partner, lover, family member, or other. And suddenly you notice them starting to steer the conversation in a different direction. Perhaps they’re randomly taking the conversation somewhere else, finding fault with you, criticizing you, or even getting angry and negative out of nowhere. You wonder to yourself, “Wait, what? What’s happening? Did I say something?” You try to address it with them, but you don’t get what’s happening. It’s all occurring so fast. And seemingly out of left field. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think they are trying to create a problem. And actually, you may be right on the money here. This is an example of how relationship anxiety sabotages connection in relationships. Often it is done unconsciously, meaning the person doing it doesn’t even realize they’re doing it.

You might be wondering, why would someone do such a thing? Why would someone try to ruin a good thing? How does that make any sense? In order to understand the core of how relationship anxiety sabotages connection, it’s important to look at what relationships mean to people. Usually, our conception of relationships is shaped by our childhood experiences. The way we were treated by our parents or caregivers growing up usually forms the basis of what we think relationships are and a template for how we think relationships ought to be. For example, if our parents understood our feelings, respected our emotions, and acknowledged our experiences in ways that made us feel safe and secure, chances are that that is what we have come to expect out of relationships. A place where we are heard, listened to, and valued for who we are and how we exist. On the other hand, if our caregivers were more anxious, controlling, or absent in ways that made us feel emotionally neglected, scared, and confused, then that is what we probably came to expect from relationships. An arrangement where we will be emotionally unseen, used, criticized, and denied. Furthermore, the relationships we are used to are usually the relationships we seek. It’s what we are most familiar with, and feel most comfortable with as well.

Moreover, the relationships we are most familiar with usually shape our beliefs about what we think we deserve, and thus our relationship choices. Namely, if we are used to being in healthy relationships, wherein we feel consistent love, support and understanding, we are likely to come to believe that we are worthy of love, and thus seek out relationships that confirm this belief. Think relationships that revitalize us, ones abundant in genuine kindness and respect. If this is our norm, this is what we are most familiar with, and this is what we believe we deserve, then this is where we feel most comfortable. On the other hand, if we are used to relationships where we are routinely criticized, put down, or neglected, then we are likely to come to believe that we are not worthy of love, and thus unconsciously seek out relationships that confirm this belief. Think relationships that involve us being put down or overlooked, ones where we are treated poorly and made to feel small and bad about ourselves. If this is our norm, this is what we are most familiar with, and this is what we believe we deserve, then sadly this is where we feel most “comfortable.” And so we will unconsciously feel most “comfortable” in these types of unhealthy relationships. After all, they validate what we think we deserve.

As a result, when we are in a relationship that is healthier than what we are used to, or healthier than what we think we deserve, we often get challenged. This is where relationship anxiety sabotages connection. Suddenly, we face ourselves. The change can begin to make us frightened because we are getting triggered by a “closeness anxiety” or a “too-good-to-be-true” syndrome. In both of these cases, our mind has detected a significant difference between what is familiar to us based on past experiences and what we think we deserve, and what we are getting in real time. Deep down, when we are used to shit, we come to believe that shit is what we deserve. When we believe that shit is what we deserve, anything greater than shit may start to make us feel anxious. Plain and simple. The underlying dialogue is something like, “Give me something better, and it just doesn’t sit well. So I need to ruin it to be at equilibrium, to get it back to what I think I deserve.” Some ways in which this may manifest include: becoming paranoid and mistrusting when someone does something nice for you, giving mixed signals, experiencing disproportionate anger at subjects that do not warrant such a reaction, hurting the other without taking accountability, or even abruptly running away after things were going so well. The goal of all these and other self-sabotaging mechanisms is simple: to create distance, and push the other person away. Ultimately, they do not feel worthy or deserving of being treated so well.

Self-sabotaging is exhausting. Not only does it use up a lot of energy for the person doing it, but it also drains the person who is doing it because their insides are going haywire. A constant tug of war with no end in sight. And arguably the worst part? They don’t know what is going on, or how to make it stop. An important element to understand is that the person who is self-sabotaging is not a bad person. They are not even sabotaging the connection on purpose. They are merely getting triggered from past wounds, struggling with self-worth issues, and are yearning for safety. Unconsciously, there is a belief of unworthiness, undeservingness, an inherent unlovability that is getting challenged and causing all the turmoil based on unresolved past traumas. There is an inherent fear that something bad will happen, so the sabotage can be viewed as a preemptive strike to make sure what happened before does not happen again. It’s primarily driven by an unconscious desire to protect the self, not so much to necessarily hurt the other person.

The more people have been exposed to unhealthy relationship dynamics over a period of time, the odds of them having internalized and personalized those toxic, stressful, and dysfunction dynamics is very real. Being conditioned to believe that relationships are not safe, that they are wrought with control, manipulation, neglect and criticism makes the whole idea of “being in relationship” a risky endeavor. If you have been systematically unseen, unheard, criticized, judged, neglected, or taken advantage of in relationships, then there is good reason for you to feel anxious, uncomfortable, and hesitant to enter into a relationship. The negative association can run very deep, and lead to an unconscious desire to self-sabotage, or unknowingly trip yourself up to avoid getting the thing you say you want. It’s really a very sad, frustrating, and devastating process.

However, there is good news. While relationship anxiety sabotages connection, it doesn’t always have to. Treating relationship anxiety may take some work to heal, but when it is done and done well, it can literally begin to revolutionize a person’s experiences in relationships within a short time span (think days, weeks, and months for someone who is very ready and motivated to change). By getting to the root causes of these dynamics, and addressing them at the core, relationship freedom is well within reach. When that happens, clarity, confidence, and joy naturally flow. So you can love happily, securely, and stably.

If you are ready to transform the way you show up in relationships and love the way you are meant to love, call or email for a free phone consultation.

The Importance of Being Selfish

Often we’re told selfish is bad.  It’s disrespectful, shameful, and wrong. But we are all selfish.  Every one of us.  We act to serve ourselves.  We eat what tastes good to us, befriend those who understand us, and do what brings happiness to us.

However, true selfishness takes courage.  Being honest about who you are, what you want, and what you are willing to do to get it are important aspects of selfishness. Selfishness is about knowing yourself, getting in touch with yourself, and realizing that you are worth it.

You deserve a shot. You are good enough.

And that’s why being truly selfish can be scary. It’s about taking risk.  The risk of stepping into the unknown, the risk of seeing something anew, the risk of trying something new. There’s also the risk of being different, the risk of standing out, the risk that people might not accept you.  Many of us live according to the expectations of others, so much so that over time we forget who we really are.  Being truly selfish is about understanding yourself, understanding others, and being able to distinguish between the two.

Society constantly tells us what we “should” want.  We should want the latest phones, clothes, and cars.  We should want fame, fortune, and power.  And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting any of these, the truth is many of us pursue these things not because we want them, but because we think that by having them others will like and accept us more.  Unfortunate in a culture replete with such distractions, the line between “I” and “other” can get easily blurred.  Thus, the quest for true selfishness not only takes diligence, but bravery in being able to separate what I want, versus what they want.

It’s only after you have given to yourself more wholly and completely that you can truly give to another person .  You can only give as much as you have.  To truly give selflessly, you must be coming from a solid, self-loving place.  You have to love yourself, care for yourself, and be happy with who you are.  To get there, you have to care enough about yourself to go for what you truly want, to get your needs met.  You must be selfish.  Otherwise, what you call “giving” is not so much giving as much as it might be more a way to get approval or control others.  When giving, the less their reaction affects you, the more selfless a place you are giving from.  Therefore, you must first be truly selfish to be truly selfless. 

So why do people sometimes accuse one another of being selfish, as if being selfish is bad?  Well, it seems as though when we accuse others of being selfish, we really mean arrogant, conceited, or self-absorbed.  Ironically, people who come off as arrogant, conceited, or self-absorbed actually have very low opinions of themselves, they have little self-worth. Contrary to popular belief, they are not selfish at all.  They have not cared for themselves to get their core needs met.  They compensate for their lack of self-worth by pretending to be something they are not. They are only presenting a facade to cover up how badly they feel inside. Conversely, people who are selfish do have self-worth, they do value themselves, and they do care for themselves in going for what is important to them. Selfish people are less likely to become arrogant, conceited, or self-absorbed because they are focused on getting their needs met in a meaningful way.

In addition, we tend to forget that when people make such vehement claims, they are really making a statement about themselves.  They are unsettled, uncomfortable by the sight of a person being different.  They probably feel threatened.  Deep down, they are likely thinking, “By seeing you act in your own individual way, I’m feeling uneasy about myself.   This difference in opinion, stance, point of view makes me feel insecure and unsure of myself.  I’m afraid your position might have some validity that I have not considered.  I’m afraid to entertain this thought because it may mean that I’m wrong or my understanding is incomplete.  I’m too scared to admit this because it’s too overwhelming.  Instead of seeing this for what it is, I’m going to focus my attention on you, blame you, and put you down.  It’s so much easier to point at you than to look at my own vulnerability and fallibility, to admit I might be wrong or missing something.”

Being selfish means caring for yourself.  It means loving yourself, and valuing yourself enough to be the person yowant to be.  Selfish people are aware, they are real, and they are kind.  They muster up the courage to be who they want to be, and respect others for who they want to be.

To learn how to be the best version of yourself, and invite powerful relationships in your life, call or email today for a free phone consultation.

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