Relationships

3 Ways Secure Relationships Differ from Insecure Relationships

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Back in 1938, a landmark study began wherein several hundred people were followed for over 80 years. Famously known as the “Harvard Study of Human Development,” this study concluded that peoples’ long term happiness and health is positively associated with the quality of their relationships. Basically, if you want to see how someone is doing mentally, emotionally, and physically, looking at the nature of their relationships can be very telling. Generally, people who report better quality relationship tend to fare better in all these areas. Plain and simple. And it’s easy to understand why. When we feel safe, secure, and calmed by our relationships, life becomes so much more fun to navigate through. And unfortunately, the opposite is true as well. Frequently, people in more secure relationships tend to feel better about themselves and the world, while those in insecure relationships often feel unsettled, ungrounded, and constantly on-edge. To clarify some differences between what secure and insecure relationships look like, in this post, I will outline 3 specific ways that secure relationships differ from insecure relationships.

1. Connection vs. Control. One way secure relationships differ from insecure relationships is that secure relationships prioritize connection. People in secure relationships tend to be more mindful and mutually invested in how their words and actions affect other people. They genuinely care about people. As a result, they are inclined to behave in ways that promote kind, respectful, and empathic exchanges. Notice that such types of interactions usually create a warm atmosphere for people to feel safe being themselves, while allowing others to be themselves as well. Incidentally, this mutual care and considerateness can invite people to be their authentic selves, and enjoy each other’s company in a manner that fills everyone up. On the other hand, insecure relationships generally emphasize the need for control. Usually driven by anxiety, here people may be more inclined to do things to get something out of other people, or perhaps even “one up” them. Often pushing, shaming, and manipulating become go-to moves to get people to do what you want them to do, regardless of how it might make them feel. Here, tabs are kept, and selfish desires prevail with less regard to how others might feel about the actions taken, or how the actions are taken.

2. Dialogue vs. Being Right. Another way secure relationships differ from insecure relationships is that secure relationships usually foster open discussion. This means that when interacting with others, the goal is not to necessarily achieve a particular end goal in a specific way as much as it’s about soliciting the other person for their thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. Naturally, there is a desire for collaboration and mutual exchange. Because the other person matters, too. This may involve asking open-ended questions, seeking clarification, and expressing curiosity to the other person because you value their experience as a human being and want to acknowledge their value as a person. Alternatively, insecure relationships usually become about arguments and winning. They embody an adversarial mindset, where there are “winners” and “losers.” Someone is right, and someone is wrong. This spirit can generate unhealthy competition, and breed resentment in the one who gets the short end of the stick, making them feel smaller, weaker, and inferior. It promotes a sense of selfishness, entitlement, and dismissiveness to how one’s actions may make someone else feel. Unfortunately, this can, in turn, lead to a “dog eat dog” dynamic that will only exacerbate these sentiments.

3. Growth vs. Anxiety. Finally, another way secure relationships differ from insecure relationships is that secure ones promote a sense of personal growth and expansion that is enjoyable and fulfilling for all sides. As we rise and excel in our lives, we want people who will celebrate and exalt our achievements, sharing in our joy. This motivates us to want to be better people and to give back to the world around us with confidence, self-worth, and passion. Furthermore, in this context, one person’s win is not perceived as a threat to others. Instead, everyone can win. Together. And in their own ways. However, insecure relationships tend to create anxiety, fear, and worry in others. Organically, when seeking control is the backdrop, and being right is the objective, it is difficult to feel safe in such a climate. Instead, there is a patterned sense of urgency, scarcity, and alarm that prompts people to push, hustle, and prove in ways that compromise mental and emotional warmth, security and peace. In fact, when operating from such a sense of survival, there is naturally less focus and attention given to what is said, how it is said, or how it may affect other people. Sadly, this can exhaust people, and unknowingly push them away.

When we focus on building connection, engaging in dialogue, and promoting a sense of personal growth in our environments, our relationships can thrive and provide a sense of nourishment to our souls. As people, we are social creatures. We thrive off of emotional closeness, and do our best when we feel whole, complete, and one with ourselves and the world around us. Cultivating healthy and secure relationships is an investment in our own happiness and longevity that can pay dividends for the rest of our lives. The more we can learn how to be in relationships that promote connection, caring, and love from all directions, the healthier and happier we are likely to become.

And the kinder footsteps we will leave for others to step into.


The Root of Anxiety: Fear of Being Disconnected

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Anxiety is a widespread mental health concern in the United States, especially in Los Angeles. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, it is estimated that over 30% of Americans will have a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder in their lifetime. This means that nearly 1 out of every 3 people will likely be diagnosed with having an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives. Given that not everyone with anxiety is aware of or will admit to having anxiety, chances are that the number of people experiencing anxiety is actually higher than this figure. Like, way higher. Anxiety is a condition often characterized by marked fear or worry, a feeling of tenseness, agitation, irritability, and overwhelm. Psychologically, anxiety tends to manifest in the form of overthinking, overanalyzing, over-intellectualizing, second-guessing, and self-doubting, too. With anxiety ostensibly on the rise, naturally you might be wondering: Why is anxiety so prevalent? Where does it come from? What is the root of anxiety?

To answer these questions about anxiety, it’s important to consider that the world we live in today is very unique. Although we benefit from exceptional technologies, achievements, and accomplishments at record paces, the reality is that the world we live in today does tend to promote a sense of emotional avoidance and distance. When we are routinely being taught that our value is intimately tied to how we look, how much money we have, who we know, and how well we perform, this interferes with our natural pursuit of authentic connections as human beings with other human beings. When what you do, how you look, and who you know become more important than who you are, anxiety is almost inevitable. As pressure mounts to polish the image to win validation from others, it is easy for a person to lose sight of who they are. The identity becomes murky. Alas, the appearance takes precedence over the reality. From here, it can be argued that the driving force behind this frantic obsession to perform and look successful and attractive is the fundamental root of anxiety: the fear of being disconnected. A fear of missing out. A fear of missing out on perceived connection.

Although there are exceptional advantages to the world we live in today compared to the past, it is important to recognize that that efficiency is coming at a cost. When people feel a pressure to come off a certain way in order to be liked, feel accepted, and “be connected” to other people, when the performance is more important than the individual’s truth, something is wrong with this picture. Unfortunately, these people stand to lose their sense of self. They disconnect from their true selves. And, consequently, disconnect from others as well.

A common narrative amongst people with anxiety is, “I am not good enough.” Sadly, this belief often began in childhood, wherein the child was criticized, put down, diminished, neglected, and invalidated by caregivers, adults, or other people. What the child didn’t realize at the time is that those people who did all those hurtful things were limited. Alas, the child could not understand that the criticism, judgment, or neglect was not about them. They could not fathom that they did not have control, so they internalized it all and took everything personally. It gave them a sense of pseudo control. Indeed, one of the hallmarks of childhood cognition is egocentricity: thinking everything is about them. Someone yells? “It was my fault.” Someone doesn’t pay enough attention to them? “There must be something wrong with me.” Someone mistreats them? “I must have done something to deserve it.” And so much more. In this process, the child learned to internalize everything. From reactions, to judgments, to outcomes, they reason, “It was because of me.” Imagine repeating this throughout one’s lifespan. Thinking anything and everything that happens is because of you. Before you know it, self-worth would drop. Self-confidence would be pummeled. And naturally, anxiety would rise. All due to this delusion that they are the center of the world, that they are the cause of everything. From here, the anxiety leads the person to constantly look outside themselves to feel valuable on the inside. Whether it’s to look good, sound smart, or appear attractive, the anxious desperation likely kicks in and convinces the person that they need to get a certain outcome to feel important, valuable, or deserving. To feel like they matter in the world. To the world.

While the root of anxiety may look nuanced for everyone, the underlying pattern seems similar across the board. The person with anxiety has spent so much time running, trying, surviving just to feel like he or she is enough. Trying to be who they think they “ought” to be, or others want them to be, to be worthy of love and connection. But nothing is ever enough. Sadly, there is no amount of money, good looks, cars, homes, or even external validation that will convince someone with anxiety that he or she is good enough. The way to treat the root of anxiety at its core appears to be about finding solace in personal authenticity, intimacy, and deep connection.

With oneself. With others. With confidence. And with kindness.

4 Steps to Healing Fearful Avoidant Attachment

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Fearful avoidant attachment refers to a style of engagement in relationships characterized by a fluctuation between anxiously wanting emotional closeness, and then obsessively creating distance once that closeness has been achieved. If that sounds confusing to you, that’s because it is. A heartbreaking condition, fearful avoidant attachment is often a survival mode of relating, coming from a traumatic childhood where a child’s needs were not consistently seen, acknowledged, or met. Once the child got emotionally close to their parent or caregiver, they were often overlooked, their emotions got put down, and they were rejected. Experiencing this repeatedly over time makes a child wary of getting emotionally close, but that innate desire to connect is still very present, too. Early-on developing the belief that they are undeserving and unworthy of love, people with fearful avoidance often become ambivalent about relationships, whereby the person wants to get emotionally close to people, but is also scared to get emotionally close to people because of what “closeness” has historically signaled: disappointment, rejection, pain. People with fearful avoidant attachment tend to feel chronically anxious, depressed, lonely, and are arguably more prone to addictions than people with other attachment styles. Constantly feeling not good enough, always trying to prove themselves, nothing works. Because there is no amount of achievement, awards, money, good looks, or praise that will fill the emptiness they feel from lack of emotional connection. Deep down, people with fearful avoidant attachment don’t want to push emotional connection away, but they can’t help it. They unconsciously find reasons to wallow, look down on themselves, withdraw, create drama, and push healthy connections away to create distance and avoid the closeness they actually crave inside. That’s how deathly afraid of emotional connection they are. It is alien to them. Sadly, for many, this becomes a way of life. And will stay a way of life. The fact that society seems to promote avoidance doesn’t help either. However, change is possible. Fearful avoidant attachment can be successfully overcome. In this post, I will outline 4 simple steps to healing fearful avoidant attachment.

It’s important to note that recognizing one has a fearful avoidant attachment style is paramount to healing it. We can only change something once we acknowledge it exists. If you are wondering whether you have a fearful avoidant attachment style, consider: do you feel like it is hard to get close to people? Do you constantly think people are judging you or thinking poorly of you? That they’re out to get you? That you are always one step away from disaster? That bad things are just around the corner? Constantly jumping to conclusions? Taking things personally? Thinking you know what will happen even when you don’t? If so, you may be suffering from a fearful avoidant attachment style. In which case, keep reading. Breaking free from this will change your life. Imagine being yourself more. Being more optimistic about life. And living more authentically with confidence.

Healing fearful avoidant attachment is a process. Overwriting it takes diligence, practice, and patience. But the results will transform your life into something beautiful. Imagine being comfortable in your own skin, living with calming peace of mind, and feeling confident about yourself in relationships. Here are the steps.

1. Go slowly. With a nervous system wired for urgency and after years of assuming the worst, it’s important to slow down. Although it may be tempting to assume something bad will happen, to jump to negative conclusions quickly, and prepare for things to fall apart, understand this tendency is nothing more than a survival mechanism that was borne out of trying times when you were younger. It’s a trauma response. It originated to give you a false sense of control when things were out of hand, but it also created a lot of errors, false rules, and spurious associations. The only way to counteract these patterns is to slow down when it comes to interpreting events, and approach events with curiosity and wonder.

2. Challenge immediate negative assumptions. Once you have slowed down and recognized you don’t actually know what is happening, it is important to cross-examine any negative assumptions. Challenging these negative beliefs is important to dismantle the negative loop that has formed in your mind over the years. Ask yourself, “Is there evidence for this interpretation?” “Could I be wrong?” “Is there another way to look at this?” Often there is not adequate evidence. Yes, you can be wrong. And absolutely, there is always another way to look at it. Remembering that automatic negativity is simply a product of the fearful avoidant style can be empowering. Fearful avoidant attachment is literally telling you something bad is imminent because it wants to create distance to avoid closeness. By understanding that you don’t really know what the person meant, why they did what they did, or why what happened happened, you are ready to engage curiously to better understand what actually happened.

3. Explore alternative explanations. Come up with alternative, more positive ways to interpret the events. By doing this, you are teaching your mind to consider that people are not as bad as you may have been conditioned to believe that they are. Or that the avoidant attachment style convinced you of over the years. And you are not as problematic, bad, or unworthy as you think you are either. Maybe they didn’t respond because they got busy and forgot to respond to you. Perhaps they are nervous because they like you, too. It’s possible they were just trying to help in their own way. By merely thinking of these alternative interpretations, and recognizing everything is not your fault, your mind is starting to get used to the possibility that you are good, good things can happen, people can be nice, and the world could be safe. The more these pathways are reinforced, the more accessible and easy they are for your mind to retrieve and believe.

4. Invite connection. When you go slowly, challenge your negative assumptions, and start thinking of how you and circumstances may actually be better than you thought, it is easier to communicate in a manner that invites connection. Instead of getting angry or resentful, now you can approach the situation more level-headed, with curiosity, neutrality, and respect. Ask questions from a place of curiosity, a desire to know, a want to understand because you care. This demonstration of interest is significant. You are learning to trust again. With such a demeanor, you are inviting connection in a simple and very meaningful way. You are respecting yourself, and extending that respect to the other side with a gentle invitation for kind dialogue.

By understanding how the fearful avoidant attachment style has shaped your negative perceptions, thoughts, and interpretations over the years, you can actively start to remedy the situation. The key is recognizing that the problem is not necessarily the world, but rather how you are interpreting the world. Rooted in childhood experiences and shaped by traumas outside your control, the way you perceive the world can improve. Practicing the above steps for healing fearful avoidant attachment can significantly change the way your mind processes information over time. Processing the events that led you to think so negatively can add a powerful layer of depth to this process as well. The more you practice these steps, the faster your mind will create new neural pathways to see reality more clearly, relationships more objectively, and yourself as more valuable than you ever knew. As this happens, it will become easier to participate in relationships because you will no longer expect things to automatically go wrong. Heck, you may even start to expect good things from others. And most importantly, you will understand that you are worthy and deserving just as you are, and that you can handle whatever comes your way. This doesn’t mean you will like everyone you meet, but it will give you a clarity to be able to see better who you truly like and want to get close to, and who you may not want to get close to. Sans anxiety or urgency.

If you want help healing fearful avoidant attachment within yourself so you can have more peace of mind, stability, and confidence in relationships, feel free to call or email for a free phone consultation.

Love and Hate: What Are You Really Trying to Say?

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Love and hate are an interesting duo. Love is a powerful concept we are all drawn to.  It makes us belong and feel whole. It gives us the sense we are complete. And have everything we need.  When in a state of love, everything seems beautiful because deep down we are seeing ourselves as beautiful.  As creatures of projections, the truth is that what we see in others is not merely a reflection of them, but also a glimpse into us.  We see in others what we see in ourselves.  That’s why when we are in a feeling of “love” or “utter bliss,” it’s so easy for us to give to others.  Our giving is emanating from a core that feels it has been given to so bountifully.  Once there, it’s only natural that we want to give back in a very real way.

When we think of love, many of us are quick to contrast it with hate.  We think the two are fundamentally different because they seem to lead us to noticeably different places.  After all, one makes us feel good about who we are, while the other really bad.  One brings out the best in us, whereas the other the worst.  One makes us feel cherished and cared for, the other small and insignificant.

However, love and hate are not so different.  At the core, hate is not what it looks like. Hate is not about hurting others, it’s not about bringing down others, and it’s not about trying to overpower others because we think “they deserve it.”  It’s about us, and what we’re trying to communicate, but appear to have difficulty doing in the heat-of-the-moment.  Hate is our defense in times of passion, an expression of our own frustration in not being able to face what we really feel inside. What we’re usually looking for: connection.

In our reactivity, we’re really trying to reconnect with ourselves and that who we say we hate.  We might be feeling hurt, frustrated, or scared by what they’ve said or done, but deep down we just want to be acknowledged.  We want to feel a part of.  We want to feel like we matter.  Inside, we are so moved by them, we care so much about them, that how they treat us influences us in a striking way.  We want things to work out, we want there to be peace, we want there to be harmony.  Yet, on some level we also know that to really get there, we will have to take that risk of showing who we are.  We will have to admit that we have been affected by them, and that they matter to us.  Often getting in touch with this part of ourselves can make us feel so uncomfortable and overwhelmed that usually we prefer to retort by putting our walls up with our fingers drawn pointed out.

Interestingly, hate tricks us into resisting that with which we actually want to connect.  The desire to connect is so strong, and the associated fear of getting hurt so strong, that when the two are at odds we feel torn. The feelings get so emotionally raw that it makes us uneasy.  We want, but we are also afraid to want. So we respond by trying to push away whatever it is that’s making us feel this way.  It’s not the people we’re pushing away, it’s what they stir up in us, the discomfort they evoke in us that we’re trying to cast away.  All the while, the reality is the more we resist them, the more we probably want them. The more we try to erase them, the more we probably want to remember them.  The more we push them away, the more we probably want them to stay. 

The more we understand who we are, what we want, and where we want to go, the more love and hate cease to exist as separate, and the more they become one.  Simply, a desire to bond.  It’s easy to be honest about how we feel when things are going well, when we feel an abundance of love, appreciation, and acceptance.  At the same time, it’s interesting to think about what this world would be like if every time we experience hate or find ourselves pushing others away, we were to go a little deeper, and get in touch with what we might be really trying to say. Namely, “I’m drawn to you. I want to get close to you.  But I’m too scared to make myself vulnerable and share this with you because I don’t know what will  happen.  I’m scared you might not want me the way I want you, or the way I want you to want me.  I’m scared you might not accept me, and you might even use what I say against me.  I’m too scared to admit you affect me, you influence me, you have power over me.  I’m so afraid of you finding out how I really feel about you that I’m going to try to throw you (and myself) off.  I’m going to strike you, judge you, and blame you to push you away.  I want to push you away because seeing you reminds me of the feelings I have that I’m not ready to deal with.  One day, I might gather the courage to access and even share these feelings with you, but right now I’m too scared.  Scared I might get hurt. In the meantime, I’ll keep focusing on you, and pushing you away so I don’t have to face my vulnerability.” 

Love and hate are two sides of the same coin.  Both are strong, charged, passionate responses to our deep care and desire to adjoin.  Love is more honest, while hate more reactive.  Love is more genuine, whereas hate more defensive.  Love conveys a wish to get close, whilst hate a fear of getting close.

Not just to others, but perhaps, more importantly, to ourselves as well.  

How Relationship Anxiety Sabotages Connection

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One of the most important topics in relationship psychology is how relationship anxiety sabotages connection. As a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, I am aware of this phenomenon very well. I counsel patients who struggle with relationship anxiety that in some cases leads them to sabotage their relationships without consciously realizing it. The good news is that relationship anxiety is a very treatable condition. Understanding and addressing relationship anxieties and sabotage attempts can transform the way you live your life and the quality of your interactions very powerfully, and in a very short period of time. In this post, I will describe how this dynamic works, various ways it can manifest, where it comes from, and key tips on how to disrupt the cycle so that you can connect more freely and lovingly again.

Imagine you’re having a nice conversation with someone: a partner, lover, family member, or other. And suddenly you notice them starting to steer the conversation in a different direction. Perhaps they’re randomly taking the conversation somewhere else, finding fault with you, criticizing you, or even getting angry and negative out of nowhere. You wonder to yourself, “Wait, what? What’s happening? Did I say something?” You try to address it with them, but you don’t get what’s happening. It’s all occurring so fast. And seemingly out of left field. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think they are trying to create a problem. And actually, you may be right on the money here. This is an example of how relationship anxiety sabotages connection in relationships. Often it is done unconsciously, meaning the person doing it doesn’t even realize they’re doing it.

You might be wondering, why would someone do such a thing? Why would someone try to ruin a good thing? How does that make any sense? In order to understand the core of how relationship anxiety sabotages connection, it’s important to look at what relationships mean to people. Usually, our conception of relationships is shaped by our childhood experiences. The way we were treated by our parents or caregivers growing up usually forms the basis of what we think relationships are and a template for how we think relationships ought to be. For example, if our parents understood our feelings, respected our emotions, and acknowledged our experiences in ways that made us feel safe and secure, chances are that that is what we have come to expect out of relationships. A place where we are heard, listened to, and valued for who we are and how we exist. On the other hand, if our caregivers were more anxious, controlling, or absent in ways that made us feel emotionally neglected, scared, and confused, then that is what we probably came to expect from relationships. An arrangement where we will be emotionally unseen, used, criticized, and denied. Furthermore, the relationships we are used to are usually the relationships we seek. It’s what we are most familiar with, and feel most comfortable with as well.

Moreover, the relationships we are most familiar with usually shape our beliefs about what we think we deserve, and thus our relationship choices. Namely, if we are used to being in healthy relationships, wherein we feel consistent love, support and understanding, we are likely to come to believe that we are worthy of love, and thus seek out relationships that confirm this belief. Think relationships that revitalize us, ones abundant in genuine kindness and respect. If this is our norm, this is what we are most familiar with, and this is what we believe we deserve, then this is where we feel most comfortable. On the other hand, if we are used to relationships where we are routinely criticized, put down, or neglected, then we are likely to come to believe that we are not worthy of love, and thus unconsciously seek out relationships that confirm this belief. Think relationships that involve us being put down or overlooked, ones where we are treated poorly and made to feel small and bad about ourselves. If this is our norm, this is what we are most familiar with, and this is what we believe we deserve, then sadly this is where we feel most “comfortable.” And so we will unconsciously feel most “comfortable” in these types of unhealthy relationships. After all, they validate what we think we deserve.

As a result, when we are in a relationship that is healthier than what we are used to, or healthier than what we think we deserve, we often get challenged. This is where relationship anxiety sabotages connection. Suddenly, we face ourselves. The change can begin to make us frightened because we are getting triggered by a “closeness anxiety” or a “too-good-to-be-true” syndrome. In both of these cases, our mind has detected a significant difference between what is familiar to us based on past experiences and what we think we deserve, and what we are getting in real time. Deep down, when we are used to shit, we come to believe that shit is what we deserve. When we believe that shit is what we deserve, anything greater than shit may start to make us feel anxious. Plain and simple. The underlying dialogue is something like, “Give me something better, and it just doesn’t sit well. So I need to ruin it to be at equilibrium, to get it back to what I think I deserve.” Some ways in which this may manifest include: becoming paranoid and mistrusting when someone does something nice for you, giving mixed signals, experiencing disproportionate anger at subjects that do not warrant such a reaction, hurting the other without taking accountability, or even abruptly running away after things were going so well. The goal of all these and other self-sabotaging mechanisms is simple: to create distance, and push the other person away. Ultimately, they do not feel worthy or deserving of being treated so well.

Self-sabotaging is exhausting. Not only does it use up a lot of energy for the person doing it, but it also drains the person who is doing it because their insides are going haywire. A constant tug of war with no end in sight. And arguably the worst part? They don’t know what is going on, or how to make it stop. An important element to understand is that the person who is self-sabotaging is not a bad person. They are not even sabotaging the connection on purpose. They are merely getting triggered from past wounds, struggling with self-worth issues, and are yearning for safety. Unconsciously, there is a belief of unworthiness, undeservingness, an inherent unlovability that is getting challenged and causing all the turmoil based on unresolved past traumas. There is an inherent fear that something bad will happen, so the sabotage can be viewed as a preemptive strike to make sure what happened before does not happen again. It’s primarily driven by an unconscious desire to protect the self, not so much to necessarily hurt the other person.

The more people have been exposed to unhealthy relationship dynamics over a period of time, the odds of them having internalized and personalized those toxic, stressful, and dysfunction dynamics is very real. Being conditioned to believe that relationships are not safe, that they are wrought with control, manipulation, neglect and criticism makes the whole idea of “being in relationship” a risky endeavor. If you have been systematically unseen, unheard, criticized, judged, neglected, or taken advantage of in relationships, then there is good reason for you to feel anxious, uncomfortable, and hesitant to enter into a relationship. The negative association can run very deep, and lead to an unconscious desire to self-sabotage, or unknowingly trip yourself up to avoid getting the thing you say you want. It’s really a very sad, frustrating, and devastating process.

However, there is good news. While relationship anxiety sabotages connection, it doesn’t always have to. Treating relationship anxiety may take some work to heal, but when it is done and done well, it can literally begin to revolutionize a person’s experiences in relationships within a short time span (think days, weeks, and months for someone who is very ready and motivated to change). By getting to the root causes of these dynamics, and addressing them at the core, relationship freedom is well within reach. When that happens, clarity, confidence, and joy naturally flow. So you can love happily, securely, and stably.

If you are ready to transform the way you show up in relationships and love the way you are meant to love, call or email for a free phone consultation.

True Love: Do You Have What It Takes To Get There?

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“Love” is a term that gets used very casually in our day-to-day lives. It’s utilized to convey a strong liking towards something and an explicit desire to associate with it. For instance, we say, “I love what you said,” “I love your idea,” and “I love the blue one!” In all these examples, we are expressing our passion for a subject, and announcing that we derive pleasure from it. While it might seem here that the subjects in these cases are praiseworthy, the reality is that what we are really doing in these scenarios is we are making statements about ourselves. When we verbally express love for something, we are actually describing how something makes us feel.

The verbal expression of love typically has another function as well. Often it is used to get a reaction from the person to whom we direct it. When someone tells someone, “I love you,” he or she could be communicating that they enjoy the other person. The point that is often overlooked here is that the speaker is usually also trying to get the other person’s attention, especially if it is repeated over and over again. At that point, one might ask: if you love the person so much, why do you keep repeating it? While many might think that the more “I love you” is said the more love there is in a relationship, the truth is that sometimes the habitual repetition of “I love you” could actually be indicative of something else – namely, a marked need for external validation, approval, or acknowledgement. Of course, there is nothing inherently wrong with telling those we care about that we love them, or even wanting acknowledgement, but the key here is to be mindful of what we are saying and why we are really saying it. Such thoughtfulness can help differentiate between loving, and Loving.

Truly loving someone goes beyond just expressing how something makes us feel, or trying to get someone’s attention. It’s about respecting the other person in such a way whereby we act with kindness, sensitivity, and understanding, and preserve his or her integrity. It’s about meeting the other person where he or she is, and being there for them in the way they want us to be there for them. It’s about giving them what they need, and not simply what we want to give them. It’s about focusing more on them, not us.

It takes a lot of work to be able to truly love another. It first involves understanding the person for who he or she is. That’s essential. If you don’t know who the person actually is, it is impossible to truly love him or her. Maybe you like who you think the person is, or how he or she makes you feel, but you cannot actually love the person because you don’t really know who he or she is. But that doesn’t mean you will never know him or her. Indeed, it is very possible that you can get to know the person, but that’s where the works lies. At the core, understanding others starts with understanding ourselves. We can only understand others as much as we understand ourselves. After all, the relationship we have with others is a direct reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. From here it follows that the more we are attuned to ourselves, the more we understand ourselves, and love ourselves, the more we can project such love in our relationships with others and give them what they really need.

A general litmus test of true love is the following. Imagine you got a gift for a loved one — for a spouse, a partner, a child, or a friend. You have spent a lot of time and effort carefully picking out the gift, wanting to see that it’s going to be something your loved one is going to like. So you get it, and excitedly bring it to him or her because you know it is going to be something they really like. In the meantime, unbeknownst to you, your loved one is having a really bad day. So you give them the gift as planned, but are surprised when they get really angry and throw the gift back at you, exclaiming, “I don’t care about this stupid ____.” How do you feel? What do you think? What do you do? If this reaction makes you feel angry, disappointed, and possibly even regretful for having gone through all that work to pick out such a gift, it seems the primary motivation here was to get acknowledgment or validation from your loved one for having done something nice for them. After all, your discomfort stems from not getting the warm reception you were seeking. However, if your loved one’s reaction conjures a sense of concern within you for them, a desire to truly understand why they are upset, and you meanwhile do not take their comment about the gift very personally, then you are likely operating from a higher level of love. A more real kind of love. You got the gift for them because you really care about them. In spite of their reaction, you don’t regret all the effort you put into getting the gift, you don’t feel sad that they did not acknowledge the gift; instead, you feel compassion for them knowing that they are going through a tough time and you are invested in being there for them in the way they want – sensitively, compassionately, with understanding. Needless to say, this requires a certain level of self-understanding and clarity, to be able to appreciate that what they are upset at probably has little, if anything, to do with you personally.

Truly loving another assumes that we have a certain amount of knowledge, understanding, and love for ourselves. We can only know others as much as we know ourselves. We can only understand others as much as we understand ourselves. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. So the more we actually know, understand, and love ourselves for who we are, the better equipped we are to really know, understand, and, ultimately, love others for who they really are.

And at that point, we won’t even need to tell them we love them. They’ll know.

How Modern Society Promotes Avoidant Attachment

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Modern society promotes avoidant attachment in various ways. Avoidant attachment style refers to a marked pattern of avoiding emotional closeness and resisting vulnerability in relationships. Often stemming from traumatic upbringings where children did not receive consistent and reliable warmth, love, and security, where feelings were not seen or heard, avoidant attachment style can be reinforced by the environment as well. Sadly, if you have learned that your thoughts, feelings, and emotional experiences don’t really matter, why would you pay attention to them? If you are used to getting rejected for who you are, what you think, or how you feel, why would you want to get emotionally close to people ? As a result, people with avoidant attachment style tend to romanticize independence, self-reliance, achievement, image, and the endless pursuit of all things perfection. All as an unconscious way to avoid emotional closeness and intimate human connection.

One of the most obvious ways modern society promotes avoidant attachment is through the highly digitized world we live in today. With phones, tablet, and computers running so many operations, the “need” for human resources seems to be fading. Why call someone on the phone when you can just text them? Why meet up when you can FaceTime? Why approach someone in person to ask them out, when you can just text through an online dating app? Why hire a human, when a robot will do it for less? While there is value to the use of the above devices, the obsession towards more technology in today’s society is making it easier for people to not engage, and socially acceptable to maintain distance from each other. This dynamic is inadvertently reinforcing us to not get too close to people.

Another way society promotes avoidant attachment is through mass messaging in both fashion and modeling industries that: stoicism is attractive. Have you noticed magazines and billboards tend to show models who lack emotional expression on their faces? Inadvertently, they are saying that if you want to be sexy and attractive, don’t show emotion. Be serious. Act like you don’t care. And that is exactly how many are conditioned to think. While it is not necessary to walk around smiling all the time, many of us have come to believe that the cold look is especially valuable and beautiful. As a society, we are being taught to think that being handsome and pretty means to appear aloof. Usually, smiling and positive expressions invite connection and closeness. Seriousness and cold looks discourage them. And yet, the latter is what modern society is touting on a grand scale and calling it attractive.

Movies, TV shows, and songs send avoidant messages, too. How many times have you watched films and television programs that romanticize drama and glorify toxic behaviors? Songs that depict the wistful longing for lost loves who are emotionally unavailable or simply uninterested in them? When you look at the patterns, they are very telling. Enjoying entertainment is a very reasonable and understandable thing. However, the fact that these outlets are so influential means we have to be especially mindful of what we are consuming. When it becomes cool and popular to chase people who are unavailable, control and manipulate others in an arrogant and prideful way, ignore others when they are in emotional turmoil, and do things associated with low self-esteem and self-worth (like constantly proving ourselves), there is a clear message being sent: it is not cool to take care of ourselves, or safe to get emotionally close to other people. If you want to be cool, be intense, dramatic, and extreme. These are classic avoidant attachment signs. Inherently, these messages teach us to keep emotional distance, and stay away from emotional intimacy. Sadly, this message gets conveyed in multitudinous ways across different platforms all the time. The lesson? Don’t trust people, move away from them, and focus on the people you can’t have. All these are essentially teaching us that relationships are unsafe, a recipe for heartache, and that it is best to stay away and avoid them.

There is another widely influential industry that in society promotes avoidant attachment as well: health and wellness. When most people think of going to the gym, they think of doing things to get healthy and be fit. What many forget is that the industry is an industry. And it rakes in billions of dollars a year. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy and staying in shape, or with making money, the problem is that the industry has managed to convince millions of people worldwide that their bodies and external looks are what give them their value, not who they are as individuals. The push for body perfection, more muscles, less fat, and smaller waistlines is conveying to people that they are only as valuable as they look. And by the way, the standards of “that look” have been prescribed and predetermined by people who don’t even know you. What’s more, interestingly, people at gyms generally don’t talk to each other, either. There is often a serious and focused vibe in gyms, where people are zoned in on their own workout regimens and not interested in talking with other people. Social interaction is generally minimal, and if you show too much emotion, you just might stick out. And not in a good way. Furthermore, it is simply not part of the zeitgeist for people to communicate freely and be their authentic selves in these settings. The irony? A swath of people congregate together — all alone.

Finally, the general obsession with being obsessed in today’s society promotes avoidant attachment. Whether it’s with work, achievement, image, looks, materials, or money, the constant focus on “doing” rather than “being” creates an environment where the human aspect of living is often overlooked and generally minimized. In a time where “working hard” is worn like a badge of honor, “being the best” is lauded as the desirable standard, and “having dominance” is the main goal, it is difficult for people to just be regular people. As long as we are occupied and our minds are distracted with things that are not true priorities, we run the risk of living very lonely, emotionally distant lives. And unfortunately, that is how many people today live. Lonely, confused, and unsure. “I worked so hard, I made all this money, I look great, I have all this stuff, I did what society told me to do! And yet, something is still missing” mindset. What’s missing in this equation is genuine and authentic connection. To oneself. And to meaningful others.

We live in a very amazing time in history. With advancements, developments, and breakthroughs happening in almost every sector of society daily, we can do things today more efficiently than any of our predecessors could. At the same time, in the face of these accomplishments, there also seems to be a push towards disconnection. If relationships feel challenging to you today, you are not crazy. They have become challenging. And it’s not just because of the way we were raised. A lot of it has to do with the way we are currently being raised by our world, too. The reality is that modern society promotes avoidant attachment in very real ways, prompting us to run away from connection. Sometimes they are subtle, and other times very much in your face. All you have to do is open your eyes and see. While there is nothing inherently wrong with enhanced technology, having a healthy sense of fashion, wanting to look good, appreciating entertainment, being healthy and fit, or working hard, the problem is when we worship these avenues blindly and immerse ourselves in them while forgetting the purpose of it all to begin with. There is a time and a place for everything. Be alert. Be mindful. Be yourself. Ultimately, the goal is to connect. To be. To exist. With ourselves. With others. And with the world around us.

When you do, you will be the richest person in the world.







5 Hidden Ways Insecure Attachment Styles Create Distance

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There are various ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. In this post, I will discuss 5 common ones. Some of these patterns are subtle, while others are more obvious. It is important to note that people with insecure attachment styles generally employ these and other distancing mechanisms from an unconscious place. That is, they usually are not even aware that they are doing it. It’s not intentional. Given their traumatic pasts, this has become part of their unconscious defense system to create distance, avoid vulnerability, and prevent emotional closeness. Often, they will not take accountability for these things either because they can’t even see that they are doing it. Their lack of accountability, however, does not reflect a direct intention to hurt others, but rather an unconscious objective to create distance because they do not feel safe or possibly deserving of close connection or intimacy due to past unresolved abuse that has mentally and emotionally overwhelmed them.

1. Mixed messages. This is one of the most classic ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. They give contradictory messages. Imagine someone gives you romantic overtures, then says they “just want to be friends.” Someone tells you they love and care for you, then yell at you for saying the wrong thing. Someone asks you where you want to go, you tell them, then they go wherever they want without acknowledging or simply minimizing your desire. It can be viewed as a form of unintentional manipulation or “gaslighting.” You may start feeling confused, doubting your perceptions, second-guessing whether what you just experienced is real, and be left scratching your head, wondering what in the world just happened. You may feel like you’re going crazy. In reality, you are not. Perhaps you didn’t even do anything wrong. Maybe you even did something right. Alas, this is their unconscious way of creating distance because they cannot handle emotional closeness.

2. Chronic negativity. This is perhaps one of the more subtle and insidious ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. By maintaining a pessimistic, angry, and cynical attitude on a somewhat regular or routine basis, people with insecure attachment styles can unconsciously do this to generate distance. The constant focus on negativity, what’s wrong, and what could go wrong is meant to push others away, while preventing themselves from getting close to other people as well. In addition, they may unconsciously experience chronic anxiety, persistent worry, and even unconsciously manufacture a false sense urgency for things that are not really that urgent. If it seems irrational, that’s because it probably is. Again, the unconscious need here is to keep people at bay and them away from people because closeness has perhaps historically signaled intense pain and misery for them.

3. Lack of communication. Sometimes people have trouble communicating with each other. That’s okay. That can happen. But when a person persistently struggles to communicate their thoughts and feelings when they are capable of doing so, or is communicating fluidly followed by a sudden, unexpected drop-off in communication, something is off. You might start wondering if you said something wrong, try to reach out to clear a possible misunderstanding, but they suddenly go “off the grid.” Silent. Aloof. Distanced. It almost feels like they don’t care anymore or are uninterested in you. In reality, things may have gotten too close for their comfort, and they needed to pull back to protect themselves. It’s possible you didn’t do anything wrong. They just needed some space, but you wouldn’t know because they didn’t communicate it to you. If you bring it up in the moment, they may even deflect and blame you for being “too needy” or crowding their space. Again, this is an unconscious mechanism meant to push people away, to keep them away from intimate closeness.

4. Sudden explosions. Imagine things are going well, the conversation is going normally, when suddenly the person bursts out with unexpected anger in a manner that is both disproportionate to the circumstance and feels out of place. We all have bad days from time to time, but if this is happening on a semi-regular or routine basis, it could be the person’s insecure attachment style getting activated. When this happens, they are unconsciously driven to push people away because things got too close and that frightens them. The emotional volatility can be difficult to endure. And that’s probably why it’s there. To push away closeness and keep people away.

5. Push-pull dynamic. This is likely one of the more popular ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. Imagine getting close to someone, and when things get really close, the person almost instinctively pushes you away. They withdraw. After they feel regulated by adequate distance, they apply pressure to pull you back in. This pushiness can feel confusing and overwhelming. All the while, the dearth of communication about what is going on can make this more painful for the other. In all likelihood, the person cannot even explain it themselves, either. Their reasoning for suddenly pulling away doesn’t necessarily make sense. They might claim, “I got busy.” It can lead to the other side feeling like they got “emotional whiplash.” The reason? To keep the person away from getting too close.

While we are all human and can engage in any of the above mechanisms for different reasons, the ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships is noteworthy. They often engage in the above on a fairly regular basis on an unconscious level when things get close to sabotage the possibility of emotional closeness from occurring. It is their default response in reaction to painful, unresolved traumatic incidents from their pasts. They are not doing it because they are bad people, however. They are doing it because they are scared. Deep down, it can even bother them because they continue to unknowingly push people away without knowing why. Understandably, they often feel lonely inside, but sadly, they are usually unaware of how they are contributing to it as well.

At the same time, it can feel very frustrating to be on the receiving end of these mechanisms, too, especially when you care for and love them and they don’t seem to be able to see that. Learning how to engage and interact with people who employ these unconscious distancing patterns can be a task, but it is possible. By understanding your own attachment style, it can be easier to learn how to navigate the above distancing mechanisms in a manner that embodies grace, kindness, and respect. Key to this? Understanding that it’s not personal. It’s not your fault. You didn’t cause them to do this.

If you struggle with any of the above and want compassionate help overcoming the pattern, or you are interested in learning how to handle the different ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships with clarity and confidence, feel free to call or email for a free phone consultation.

Healing Your Attachment Style: A Practical Guide

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Healing your attachment style is a powerful way to transform your relationships. Rooted in Attachment Theory developed by psychologist Dr. John Bowlby in 1958, our attachment styles can be thought of as our pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving with people in relationships, with ourselves, and the world around us. It is shaped in childhood, and often has lasting effects throughout our lifespan. In this post, I will outline the 4 different attachment styles that exist, where they come from, how they manifest in adulthood, and how you can begin healing your attachment style today if you’d like.

1. Secure attachment style. When children grow up in an emotionally and psychologically stable, safe, and secure environment, where their feelings are heard, thoughts are acknowledged, and experiences are validated, they feel good. They learn to trust themselves, view other people as safe and reliable, and perceive the world as a positive place. Accordingly, they develop healthy self-esteem, good communication skills, appropriate boundaries, and they feel comfortable expressing their needs in a kind, compassionate, and respectful manner. These people are “social warriors.” They feel deserving enough to be their authentic selves, interact confidently and caringly with other people, and they enjoy lifting people up because they genuinely care about them. For these people, relationships and closeness feel good. They look forward to the safety, security, and support relationships can bring, and live more calmly than do people with other attachment styles. When interpersonal problems arise, they can read other peoples’ emotions well, and communicate kindly without losing sight of their value and worth in the process, without bringing themselves down. Secure attachment style is truly the basis for healthy relationships.

2. Anxious attachment style (insecure). When kids are raised in an emotionally volatile setting, where their caregivers are inconsistent in their care, where feelings are frequently neglected, thoughts are usually denied, and experiences are often invalidated, it can be very frustrating and hurtful for them. This type of inconsistency and mental unpredictability can be very scary for the child, and engender tremendous fear and anxiety within them. As such, people with anxious attachment style are likely to carry this anxiety in their relationships throughout their lifespan if left unchecked. They are operating from a place of fearing abandonment. Unfortunately, they are constantly anxious, do not feel deserving, struggle to communicate their needs, have difficulty upholding boundaries, and often settle for less-than-desirable conditions. To them, any relationship is better than no relationship, so they may become especially vulnerable to tolerating relationships where their needs are not getting met. Because this is what is familiar to them. Deep down, they think to themselves, “At least I have someone. And that’s enough.”

3. Dismissive-avoidant attachment style (insecure). Similar to conditions that create the above insecure attachment style, in the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, the person learns that people are not safe, closeness is inappropriate, and relationships are not reliable. They are operating from a place of wanting to avoid closeness. People with dismissive-avoidant attachment style struggle to recognize their feelings, have trouble identifying their emotional needs, and often put high emphasis on independence and self-reliance. Communication about their vulnerability and feelings, and personal accountability are usually not very common for them. It is not because they are bad people, however. They are unconsciously scared to get close to people, so their minds tend to, unbeknownst to them, dismiss their feelings, and adopt mechanisms to make sure people stay at a distance. Their core dialogue may be something like, “Intimacy is not safe, so I’ll focus on everything else.”

4. Fearful-avoidant attachment style (insecure). Also arising from insecure conditions described above, the fearful-avoidant attachment style gets a little tricky. This can be thought of as a combination of both anxious attachment style and dismissive-avoidant attachment style together. In this attachment style, the person consciously wants and desires closeness in relationships, but is simultaneously fearful of it as well. People with fearful-avoidant attachment style can actually be very kind, confident, and even charismatic on the outside, but their anxiety, self-doubt, and low self-esteem makes them scared to get too close. It is the classic “push-pull” dynamic, wherein they will come close, but once it is too close they immediately retreat or move away. Again, they are not doing this maliciously or even consciously. It is simply their mind’s way of ensuring that people don’t get too close to them, as “closeness” signals pain, hurt, and rejection. Often people with fearful-avoidant attachment style may accomplish a lot, and look great on the outside, but it is usually emanating from a place where they feel undeserving, are constantly trying to prove to themselves and others that they are lovable, and persistently seeking external validation to feel worthy. The underlying belief can be along the lines of, “I want to get close, but I don’t deserve it. Maybe if I make more money, get thinner, and look more attractive, I will be deserving.” But the cycle never ends.

The good news is that healing your attachment style is definitely possible, and it can literally change the qualities of your relationships in a very short period of time. The more open, receptive, and motivated you are to heal, the faster and more powerfully this process can go and the sooner you can be on your way to experiencing better, higher quality relationships. Here are some tips that can help anyone with an insecure attachment style begin to lean more towards greater secure attachment.

1. Identify your attachment style. This is probably one of the most important steps in healing your attachment style. The reason it is so critical is because sometimes misdiagnosing your attachment style can lead you down the wrong path. However, get your attachment style right, and you can get to where you want much more efficiently. For example, some people may experience intense anxiety in relationships. At first glance, some may automatically assume that this is an anxious attachment style. While this may be true, further examination might actually reveal that it is actually not an anxious attachment style, but rather a dismissive-avoidant or even fearful-avoidant attachment style. Both of these avoidant attachment styles can also contain massive amounts of anxiety. When we look at the person in their whole context, it is easier to identify the attachment style accurately.

2. Start tracing how the attachment style has played out. Once you have identified your attachment style accurately, start looking at how it has shaped your experiences in your relationships. Do you notice any patterns? Any similarities in thought processes? Is there a theme to your narratives? Is there a common flavor to the way you have behaved? If you have an anxious attachment style, perhaps you find yourself thinking people will leave you, and thus compromise your sense of self, sometimes staying in unfavorable relationships where you are not seen or heard just to save the relationship. If you have a dismissive attachment style, maybe you tend to find yourself thinking people are getting too close, that they’re being too much, and pulling away from them without really addressing it. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, it’s possible that sometimes you find yourself liking certain people quickly, then suddenly losing interest out of nowhere and becoming overly negative. This can be a very eye-opening experience. Identifying patterns in thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors can begin to unlock lifelong mysteries in your relationships, and open up the path for you to start seeing what you are truly capable of.

3. Create a plan to counteract and challenge the way you have been living. After you have identified your attachment style, have begun to notice how it has shaped your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships, you are ready to start doing life differently. Start small. Make baby steps for yourself. If you have an anxious attachment style, this might mean start saying “No” to little things you would have routinely let slide. If you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, consider looking at how someone made you feel and communicate it with them instead of ignoring it and pretending everything is fine. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, consider taking things in relationships a little slower to allow for gradual momentum to build at a healthier pace that feels comfortable for you. Slowing down can also prevents sudden rushes to judgment. .

4. Prepare for a new life with amazing relationships. As you embark on this path to healing your attachment style, remember that you are worthy, lovable, and deserving of having amazing relationships, with others and yourself. Just because life dealt you a tough hand emotionally and psychologically at the beginning, it doesn’t mean you have to suffer for the rest of your life. Our caregivers had limitations just like us, but we don’t have to continue in their footsteps. They did the best they could, and now it is up to us to rise up, change direction, and soar to new heights. For ourselves. For our children. And for all the people who will be inspired by our kindness and light wherever we go.

If you need help healing your attachment style and elevating your relationships, feel free to call or email today for a free phone consultation.

The Importance of Being Selfish

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Often we’re told selfish is bad.  It’s disrespectful, shameful, and wrong. But we are all selfish.  Every one of us.  We act to serve ourselves.  We eat what tastes good to us, befriend those who understand us, and do what brings happiness to us.

However, true selfishness takes courage.  Being honest about who you are, what you want, and what you are willing to do to get it are important aspects of selfishness. Selfishness is about knowing yourself, getting in touch with yourself, and realizing that you are worth it.

You deserve a shot. You are good enough.

And that’s why being truly selfish can be scary. It’s about taking risk.  The risk of stepping into the unknown, the risk of seeing something anew, the risk of trying something new. There’s also the risk of being different, the risk of standing out, the risk that people might not accept you.  Many of us live according to the expectations of others, so much so that over time we forget who we really are.  Being truly selfish is about understanding yourself, understanding others, and being able to distinguish between the two.

Society constantly tells us what we “should” want.  We should want the latest phones, clothes, and cars.  We should want fame, fortune, and power.  And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting any of these, the truth is many of us pursue these things not because we want them, but because we think that by having them others will like and accept us more.  Unfortunate in a culture replete with such distractions, the line between “I” and “other” can get easily blurred.  Thus, the quest for true selfishness not only takes diligence, but bravery in being able to separate what I want, versus what they want.

It’s only after you have given to yourself more wholly and completely that you can truly give to another person .  You can only give as much as you have.  To truly give selflessly, you must be coming from a solid, self-loving place.  You have to love yourself, care for yourself, and be happy with who you are.  To get there, you have to care enough about yourself to go for what you truly want, to get your needs met.  You must be selfish.  Otherwise, what you call “giving” is not so much giving as much as it might be more a way to get approval or control others.  When giving, the less their reaction affects you, the more selfless a place you are giving from.  Therefore, you must first be truly selfish to be truly selfless. 

So why do people sometimes accuse one another of being selfish, as if being selfish is bad?  Well, it seems as though when we accuse others of being selfish, we really mean arrogant, conceited, or self-absorbed.  Ironically, people who come off as arrogant, conceited, or self-absorbed actually have very low opinions of themselves, they have little self-worth. Contrary to popular belief, they are not selfish at all.  They have not cared for themselves to get their core needs met.  They compensate for their lack of self-worth by pretending to be something they are not. They are only presenting a facade to cover up how badly they feel inside. Conversely, people who are selfish do have self-worth, they do value themselves, and they do care for themselves in going for what is important to them. Selfish people are less likely to become arrogant, conceited, or self-absorbed because they are focused on getting their needs met in a meaningful way.

In addition, we tend to forget that when people make such vehement claims, they are really making a statement about themselves.  They are unsettled, uncomfortable by the sight of a person being different.  They probably feel threatened.  Deep down, they are likely thinking, “By seeing you act in your own individual way, I’m feeling uneasy about myself.   This difference in opinion, stance, point of view makes me feel insecure and unsure of myself.  I’m afraid your position might have some validity that I have not considered.  I’m afraid to entertain this thought because it may mean that I’m wrong or my understanding is incomplete.  I’m too scared to admit this because it’s too overwhelming.  Instead of seeing this for what it is, I’m going to focus my attention on you, blame you, and put you down.  It’s so much easier to point at you than to look at my own vulnerability and fallibility, to admit I might be wrong or missing something.”

Being selfish means caring for yourself.  It means loving yourself, and valuing yourself enough to be the person you want to be.  Selfish people are aware, they are real, and they are kind.  They muster up the courage to be who they want to be, and respect others for who they want to be.

To learn how to be the best version of yourself, and invite powerful relationships in your life, call or email today for a free phone consultation.

People Pleasing: What Are You Really Trying To Do?

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People-pleasing has been a commonplace phenomenon for as long as people have existed. It comes up in different ways, across various social settings, and is done for a range of reasons. The practice of people-pleasing refers to our tendency to act in a particular way to evoke pleasant feelings in the people around us. At … Read more

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