Relationships Archives - West LA Psychologist

True Love: Do You Have What It Takes To Get There?

June 1, 2025 by Dr. Raymond Nourmand, Ph.D.

“Love” is a term that gets used very casually in our day-to-day lives. It’s utilized to convey a strong liking towards something and an explicit desire to associate with it. For instance, we say, “I love what you said,” “I love your idea,” and “I love the blue one!” In all these examples, we are expressing our passion for a subject, and announcing that we derive pleasure from it. While it might seem here that the subjects in these cases are praiseworthy, the reality is that what we are really doing in these scenarios is we are making statements about ourselves. When we verbally express love for something, we are actually describing how something makes us feel.

The verbal expression of love typically has another function as well. Often it is used to get a reaction from the person to whom we direct it. When someone tells someone, “I love you,” he or she could be communicating that they enjoy the other person. The point that is often overlooked here is that the speaker is usually also trying to get the other person’s attention, especially if it is repeated over and over again. At that point, one might ask: if you love the person so much, why do you keep repeating it? While many might think that the more “I love you” is said the more love there is in a relationship, the truth is that sometimes the habitual repetition of “I love you” could actually be indicative of something else – namely, a marked need for external validation, approval, or acknowledgement. Of course, there is nothing inherently wrong with telling those we care about that we love them, or even wanting acknowledgement, but the key here is to be mindful of what we are saying and why we are really saying it. Such thoughtfulness can help differentiate between loving, and Loving.

Truly loving someone goes beyond just expressing how something makes us feel, or trying to get someone’s attention. It’s about respecting the other person in such a way whereby we act with kindness, sensitivity, and understanding, and preserve his or her integrity. It’s about meeting the other person where he or she is, and being there for them in the way they want us to be there for them. It’s about giving them what they need, and not simply what we want to give them. It’s about focusing more on them, not us.

It takes a lot of work to be able to truly love another. It first involves understanding the person for who he or she is. That’s essential. If you don’t know who the person actually is, it is impossible to truly love him or her. Maybe you like who you think the person is, or how he or she makes you feel, but you cannot actually love the person because you don’t really know who he or she is. But that doesn’t mean you will never know him or her. Indeed, it is very possible that you can get to know the person, but that’s where the works lies. At the core, understanding others starts with understanding ourselves. We can only understand others as much as we understand ourselves. After all, the relationship we have with others is a direct reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. From here it follows that the more we are attuned to ourselves, the more we understand ourselves, and love ourselves, the more we can project such love in our relationships with others and give them what they really need.

A general litmus test of true love is the following. Imagine you got a gift for a loved one — for a spouse, a partner, a child, or a friend. You have spent a lot of time and effort carefully picking out the gift, wanting to see that it’s going to be something your loved one is going to like. So you get it, and excitedly bring it to him or her because you know it is going to be something they really like. In the meantime, unbeknownst to you, your loved one is having a really bad day. So you give them the gift as planned, but are surprised when they get really angry and throw the gift back at you, exclaiming, “I don’t care about this stupid ____.” How do you feel? What do you think? What do you do? If this reaction makes you feel angry, disappointed, and possibly even regretful for having gone through all that work to pick out such a gift, it seems the primary motivation here was to get acknowledgment or validation from your loved one for having done something nice for them. After all, your discomfort stems from not getting the warm reception you were seeking. However, if your loved one’s reaction conjures a sense of concern within you for them, a desire to truly understand why they are upset, and you meanwhile do not take their comment about the gift very personally, then you are likely operating from a higher level of love. A more real kind of love. You got the gift for them because you really care about them. In spite of their reaction, you don’t regret all the effort you put into getting the gift, you don’t feel sad that they did not acknowledge the gift; instead, you feel compassion for them knowing that they are going through a tough time and you are invested in being there for them in the way they want – sensitively, compassionately, with understanding. Needless to say, this requires a certain level of self-understanding and clarity, to be able to appreciate that what they are upset at probably has little, if anything, to do with you personally.

Truly loving another assumes that we have a certain amount of knowledge, understanding, and love for ourselves. We can only know others as much as we know ourselves. We can only understand others as much as we understand ourselves. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. So the more we actually know, understand, and love ourselves for who we are, the better equipped we are to really know, understand, and, ultimately, love others for who they really are.

And at that point, we won’t even need to tell them we love them. They’ll know.

How Modern Society Promotes Avoidant Attachment

May 22, 2025May 20, 2025 by Dr. Raymond Nourmand, Ph.D.

Modern society promotes avoidant attachment in various ways. Avoidant attachment style refers to a marked pattern of avoiding emotional closeness and resisting vulnerability in relationships. Often stemming from traumatic upbringings where children did not receive consistent and reliable warmth, love, and security, where feelings were not seen or heard, avoidant attachment style can be reinforced by the environment as well. Sadly, if you have learned that your thoughts, feelings, and emotional experiences don’t really matter, why would you pay attention to them? If you are used to getting rejected for who you are, what you think, or how you feel, why would you want to get close to people ? As a result, people with avoidant attachment style tend to romanticize independence, self-reliance, achievement, and the endless pursuit of all things perfection. All as an unconscious way to avoid closeness and intimate human connection.

One of the most obvious ways modern society promotes avoidant attachment is through the highly digitized world we live in today. With phones, tablet, and computers running so many operations, the “need” for human resources seems to be fading. Why call someone on the phone when you can just text them? Why meet up when you can FaceTime? Why approach someone in person to ask them out, when you can just text through an online dating app? Why hire a human, when a robot will do it for less? While there is value to the use of the above devices, the obsession towards more technology in today’s society is making it easier for people to not engage, and socially acceptable to maintain distance from each other. This dynamic is inadvertently reinforcing us to not get too close to people.

Another way society promotes avoidant attachment is through mass messaging in both fashion and modeling industries that: stoicism is attractive. Have you noticed magazines and billboards tend to show models who lack emotional expression on their faces? Inadvertently, they are saying that if you want to be sexy and attractive, don’t show emotion. Be serious. Act like you don’t care. And that is exactly how many are conditioned to think. While it is not necessary to walk around smiling all the time, many of us have come to believe that the cold look is especially valuable and beautiful. As a society, we are being taught to think that being handsome and pretty means to appear aloof. Usually, smiling and positive expressions invite connection and closeness. Seriousness and cold looks discourage them. And yet, the latter is what modern society is touting on a grand scale.

Movies, TV shows, and songs send avoidant messages, too. How many times have you watched films and television programs that romanticize drama and glorify toxic behaviors? Songs that depict the wistful longing for lost loves who are emotionally unavailable or simply uninterested in them? When you look at the patterns, they are very telling. Enjoying entertainment is a very reasonable and understandable thing. However, the fact that these outlets are so influential means we have to be especially mindful of what we are consuming. When it becomes cool and popular to chase people who are unavailable, control and manipulate others in an arrogant and prideful way, ignore others when they are in emotional turmoil, and do things associated with low self-esteem and self-worth, there is a clear message being sent: it is not good to take care of ourselves, or safe to get emotionally close to other people. These are classic avoidant attachment signs. Inherently, these messages teach us to keep emotional distance, and stay away from emotional intimacy. Sadly, this message gets conveyed in multitudinous ways across different platforms all the time. The lesson? Don’t trust people, move away from them, and focus on the people you can’t have. All these are essentially teaching us that relationships are unsafe, a recipe for heartache, and that it is best to stay away and avoid them.

There is another widely influential industry that in society promotes avoidant attachment as well: health and wellness. When most people think of going to the gym, they think of doing things to get healthy and be fit. What many forget is that the industry is an industry. And it rakes in billions of dollars a year. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy and staying in shape, or with making money, the problem is that the industry has managed to convince millions of people worldwide that their bodies are what give them their value, not who they are as individuals. The push for body perfection, more muscles, less fat, and smaller waistlines is conveying to people that they are only as valuable as they look. And by the way, the standards of “that look” have been prescribed and predetermined by people who don’t even know you. What’s more, interestingly, people at gyms generally don’t talk to each other, either. There is often a serious and focused vibe in gyms, where people are zoned in on their own workout regimens and not interested in talking with other people. Social interaction is generally minimal, and if you show too much emotion, you just might stick out. Furthermore, it is simply not part of the zeitgeist for people to communicate freely and be their authentic selves in these settings. The irony? A swath of people congregate together — all alone.

Finally, the general obsession with being obsessed in today’s society promotes avoidant attachment. Whether it’s with work, achievement, image, looks, materials, or money, the constant focus on “doing” rather than “being” creates an environment where the human aspect of living is often overlooked and generally minimized. In a time where “working hard” is worn like a badge of honor, “being the best” is lauded as the desirable standard, and “having dominance” is the main goal, it is difficult for people to just be regular people. As long as we are occupied and our minds are distracted with things that are not true priorities, we run the risk of living very lonely, emotionally distant lives. And unfortunately, that is how many people today live. Lonely, confused, and unsure. “I worked so hard, I made all this money, I look great, I have all this stuff, I did what society told me to do! And yet, something is still missing” mindset. What’s missing in this equation is genuine and authentic connection. To oneself. And to meaningful others.

We live in a very amazing time in history. With advancements, developments, and breakthroughs happening in almost every sector of society daily, we can do things today more efficiently than any of our predecessors could. At the same time, in the face of these accomplishments, there also seems to be a push towards disconnection. If relationships feel challenging to you today, you are not crazy. They have become challenging. And it’s not just because of the way we were raised. A lot of it has to do with the way we are currently being raised by our world, too. The reality is that modern society promotes avoidant attachment in very real ways, prompting us to run away from connection. Sometimes they are subtle, and other times very much in your face. All you have to do is open your eyes and see. While there is nothing inherently wrong with enhanced technology, having a healthy sense of fashion, wanting to look good, appreciating entertainment, being healthy and fit, or working hard, the problem is when we worship these avenues blindly and immerse ourselves in them while forgetting the purpose of it all to begin with. There is a time and a place for everything. Know what’s happening, and notice that when you do, you are actually less likely to fall prey to the influence. Be alert. Be mindful. Be yourself. Ultimately, the goal is to connect. To be. To exist. With ourselves. With others. And with the world around us.

When you do, you will be the richest person in the world.

5 Hidden Ways Insecure Attachment Styles Create Distance

May 20, 2025May 8, 2025 by Dr. Raymond Nourmand, Ph.D.

There are various ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. In this post, I will discuss 5 common ones. Some of these patterns are subtle, while others are more obvious. It is important to note that people with insecure attachment styles generally employ these and other distancing mechanisms from an unconscious place. That is, they usually are not even aware that they are doing it. It’s not intentional. Given their traumatic pasts, this has become part of their unconscious defense system to create distance, avoid vulnerability, and prevent emotional closeness. Often, they will not take accountability for these things either because they can’t even see that they are doing it. Their lack of accountability, however, does not reflect a direct intention to hurt others, but rather an unconscious objective to create distance because they do not feel safe or possibly deserving of close connection or intimacy due to past unresolved abuse that has mentally and emotionally overwhelmed them.

1. Mixed messages. This is one of the most classic ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. They give contradictory messages. Imagine someone gives you romantic overtures, then says they “just want to be friends.” Someone tells you they love and care for you, then yell at you for saying the wrong thing. Someone asks you where you want to go, you tell them, then they go wherever they want without acknowledging or simply minimizing your desire. It can be viewed as a form of unintentional manipulation or “gaslighting.” You may start feeling confused, doubting your perceptions, second-guessing whether what you just experienced is real, and be left scratching your head, wondering what in the world just happened. You may feel like you’re going crazy. In reality, you are not. Perhaps you didn’t even do anything wrong. Maybe you even did something right. Alas, this is their unconscious way of creating distance because they cannot handle emotional closeness.

2. Chronic negativity. This is perhaps one of the more subtle and insidious ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. By maintaining a pessimistic, angry, and cynical attitude on a somewhat regular or routine basis, people with insecure attachment styles can unconsciously do this to generate distance. The constant focus on negativity, what’s wrong, and what could go wrong is meant to push others away, while preventing themselves from getting close to other people as well. In addition, they may unconsciously experience chronic anxiety, persistent worry, and even unconsciously manufacture a false sense urgency for things that are not really that urgent. If it seems irrational, that’s because it probably is. Again, the unconscious need here is to keep people at bay and them away from people because closeness has perhaps historically signaled intense pain and misery for them.

3. Lack of communication. Sometimes people have trouble communicating with each other. That’s okay. That can happen. But when a person persistently struggles to communicate their thoughts and feelings when they are capable of doing so, or is communicating fluidly followed by a sudden, unexpected drop-off in communication, something is off. You might start wondering if you said something wrong, try to reach out to clear a possible misunderstanding, but they suddenly go “off the grid.” Silent. Aloof. Distanced. It almost feels like they don’t care anymore or are uninterested in you. In reality, things may have gotten too close for their comfort, and they needed to pull back to protect themselves. It’s possible you didn’t do anything wrong. They just needed some space, but you wouldn’t know because they didn’t communicate it to you. If you bring it up in the moment, they may even deflect and blame you for being “too needy” or crowding their space. Again, this is an unconscious mechanism meant to push people away, to keep them away from intimate closeness.

4. Sudden explosions. Imagine things are going well, the conversation is going normally, when suddenly the person bursts out with unexpected anger in a manner that is both disproportionate to the circumstance and feels out of place. We all have bad days from time to time, but if this is happening on a semi-regular or routine basis, it could be the person’s insecure attachment style getting activated. When this happens, they are unconsciously driven to push people away because things got too close and that frightens them. The emotional volatility can be difficult to endure. And that’s probably why it’s there. To push away closeness and keep people away.

5. Push-pull dynamic. This is likely one of the more popular ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. Imagine getting close to someone, and when things get really close, the person almost instinctively pushes you away. They withdraw. After they feel regulated by adequate distance, they apply pressure to pull you back in. This pushiness can feel confusing and overwhelming. All the while, the dearth of communication about what is going on can make this more painful for the other. In all likelihood, the person cannot even explain it themselves, either. Their reasoning for suddenly pulling away doesn’t necessarily make sense. They might claim, “I got busy.” It can lead to the other side feeling like they got “emotional whiplash.” The reason? To keep the person away from getting too close.

While we are all human and can engage in any of the above mechanisms for different reasons, the ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships is noteworthy. They often engage in the above on a fairly regular basis on an unconscious level when things get close to sabotage the possibility of emotional closeness from occurring. It is their default response in reaction to painful, unresolved traumatic incidents from their pasts. They are not doing it because they are bad people, however. They are doing it because they are scared. Deep down, it can even bother them because they continue to unknowingly push people away without knowing why. Understandably, they often feel lonely inside, but sadly, they are usually unaware of how they are contributing to it as well.

At the same time, it can feel very frustrating to be on the receiving end of these mechanisms, too, especially when you care for and love them and they don’t seem to be able to see that. Learning how to engage and interact with people who employ these unconscious distancing patterns can be a task, but it is possible. By understanding your own attachment style, it can be easier to learn how to navigate the above distancing mechanisms in a manner that embodies grace, kindness, and respect. Key to this? Understanding that it’s not personal. It’s not your fault. You didn’t cause them to do this.

If you struggle with any of the above and want compassionate help overcoming the pattern, or you are interested in learning how to handle the different ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships with clarity and confidence, feel free to call or email for a free phone consultation.

Healing Your Attachment Style: A Practical Guide

May 20, 2025May 7, 2025 by Dr. Raymond Nourmand, Ph.D.

Healing your attachment style is a powerful way to transform your relationships. Rooted in Attachment Theory developed by psychologist Dr. John Bowlby in 1958, our attachment styles can be thought of as our pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving with people in relationships, with ourselves, and the world around us. It is shaped in childhood, and often has lasting effects throughout our lifespan. In this post, I will outline the 4 different attachment styles that exist, where they come from, how they manifest in adulthood, and how you can begin healing your attachment style today if you’d like.

1. Secure attachment style. When children grow up in an emotionally and psychologically stable, safe, and secure environment, where their feelings are heard, thoughts are acknowledged, and experiences are validated, they feel good. They learn to trust themselves, view other people as safe and reliable, and perceive the world as a positive place. Accordingly, they develop healthy self-esteem, good communication skills, appropriate boundaries, and they feel comfortable expressing their needs in a kind, compassionate, and respectful manner. These people are “social warriors.” They feel deserving enough to be their authentic selves, interact confidently and caringly with other people, and they enjoy lifting people up because they genuinely care about them. For these people, relationships and closeness feel good. They look forward to the safety, security, and support relationships can bring, and live more calmly than do people with other attachment styles. When interpersonal problems arise, they can read other peoples’ emotions well, and communicate kindly without losing sight of their value and worth in the process, without bringing themselves down. Secure attachment style is truly the basis for healthy relationships.

2. Anxious attachment style (insecure). When kids are raised in an emotionally volatile setting, where their caregivers are inconsistent in their care, where feelings are frequently neglected, thoughts are usually denied, and experiences are often invalidated, it can be very frustrating and hurtful for them. This type of inconsistency and mental unpredictability can be very scary for the child, and engender tremendous fear and anxiety within them. As such, people with anxious attachment style are likely to carry this anxiety in their relationships throughout their lifespan if left unchecked. They are operating from a place of fearing abandonment. Unfortunately, they are constantly anxious, do not feel deserving, struggle to communicate their needs, have difficulty upholding boundaries, and often settle for less-than-desirable conditions. To them, any relationship is better than no relationship, so they may become especially vulnerable to tolerating relationships where their needs are not getting met. Because this is what is familiar to them. Deep down, they think to themselves, “At least I have someone. And that’s enough.”

3. Dismissive-avoidant attachment style (insecure). Similar to conditions that create the above insecure attachment style, in the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, the person learns that people are not safe, closeness is inappropriate, and relationships are not reliable. They are operating from a place of wanting to avoid closeness. People with dismissive-avoidant attachment style struggle to recognize their feelings, have trouble identifying their emotional needs, and often put high emphasis on independence and self-reliance. Communication about their vulnerability and feelings, and personal accountability are usually not very common for them. It is not because they are bad people, however. They are unconsciously scared to get close to people, so their minds tend to, unbeknownst to them, dismiss their feelings, and adopt mechanisms to make sure people stay at a distance. Their core dialogue may be something like, “Intimacy is not safe, so I’ll focus on everything else.”

4. Fearful-avoidant attachment style (insecure). Also arising from insecure conditions described above, the fearful-avoidant attachment style gets a little tricky. This can be thought of as a combination of both anxious attachment style and dismissive-avoidant attachment style together. In this attachment style, the person consciously wants and desires closeness in relationships, but is simultaneously fearful of it as well. People with fearful-avoidant attachment style can actually be very kind, confident, and even charismatic on the outside, but their anxiety, self-doubt, and low self-esteem makes them scared to get too close. It is the classic “push-pull” dynamic, wherein they will come close, but once it is too close they immediately retreat or move away. Again, they are not doing this maliciously or even consciously. It is simply their mind’s way of ensuring that people don’t get too close to them, as “closeness” signals pain, hurt, and rejection. Often people with fearful-avoidant attachment style may accomplish a lot, and look great on the outside, but it is usually emanating from a place where they feel undeserving, are constantly trying to prove to themselves and others that they are lovable, and persistently seeking external validation to feel worthy. The underlying belief can be along the lines of, “I want to get close, but I don’t deserve it. Maybe if I make more money, get thinner, and look more attractive, I will be deserving.” But the cycle never ends.

The good news is that healing your attachment style is definitely possible, and it can literally change the qualities of your relationships in a very short period of time. The more open, receptive, and motivated you are to heal, the faster and more powerfully this process can go and the sooner you can be on your way to experiencing better, higher quality relationships. Here are some tips that can help anyone with an insecure attachment style begin to lean more towards greater secure attachment.

1. Identify your attachment style. This is probably one of the most important steps in healing your attachment style. The reason it is so critical is because sometimes misdiagnosing your attachment style can lead you down the wrong path. However, get your attachment style right, and you can get to where you want much more efficiently. For example, some people may experience intense anxiety in relationships. At first glance, some may automatically assume that this is an anxious attachment style. While this may be true, further examination might actually reveal that it is actually not an anxious attachment style, but rather a dismissive-avoidant or even fearful-avoidant attachment style. Both of these avoidant attachment styles can also contain massive amounts of anxiety. When we look at the person in their whole context, it is easier to identify the attachment style accurately.

2. Start tracing how the attachment style has played out. Once you have identified your attachment style accurately, start looking at how it has shaped your experiences in your relationships. Do you notice any patterns? Any similarities in thought processes? Is there a theme to your narratives? Is there a common flavor to the way you have behaved? If you have an anxious attachment style, perhaps you find yourself thinking people will leave you, and thus compromise your sense of self, sometimes staying in unfavorable relationships where you are not seen or heard just to save the relationship. If you have a dismissive attachment style, maybe you tend to find yourself thinking people are getting too close, that they’re being too much, and pulling away from them without really addressing it. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, it’s possible that sometimes you find yourself liking certain people quickly, then suddenly losing interest out of nowhere and becoming overly negative. This can be a very eye-opening experience. Identifying patterns in thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors can begin to unlock lifelong mysteries in your relationships, and open up the path for you to start seeing what you are truly capable of.

3. Create a plan to counteract and challenge the way you have been living. After you have identified your attachment style, have begun to notice how it has shaped your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships, you are ready to start doing life differently. Start small. Make baby steps for yourself. If you have an anxious attachment style, this might mean start saying “No” to little things you would have routinely let slide. If you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, consider looking at how someone made you feel and communicate it with them instead of ignoring it and pretending everything is fine. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, consider taking things in relationships a little slower to allow for gradual momentum to build at a healthier pace that feels comfortable for you. Slowing down can also prevents sudden rushes to judgment. .

4. Prepare for a new life with amazing relationships. As you embark on this path to healing your attachment style, remember that you are worthy, lovable, and deserving of having amazing relationships, with others and yourself. Just because life dealt you a tough hand emotionally and psychologically at the beginning, it doesn’t mean you have to suffer for the rest of your life. Our caregivers had limitations just like us, but we don’t have to continue in their footsteps. They did the best they could, and now it is up to us to rise up, change direction, and soar to new heights. For ourselves. For our children. And for all the people who will be inspired by our kindness and light wherever we go.

If you need help healing your attachment style and elevating your relationships, feel free to call or email today for a free phone consultation.

The Importance of Being Selfish

May 4, 2025 by Dr. Raymond Nourmand, Ph.D.

Often we’re told selfish is bad.  It’s disrespectful, shameful, and wrong. But we are all selfish.  Every one of us.  We act to serve ourselves.  We eat what tastes good to us, befriend those who understand us, and do what brings happiness to us.

However, true selfishness takes courage.  Being honest about who you are, what you want, and what you are willing to do to get it are important aspects of selfishness. Selfishness is about knowing yourself, getting in touch with yourself, and realizing that you are worth it.

You deserve a shot. You are good enough.

And that’s why being truly selfish can be scary. It’s about taking risk.  The risk of stepping into the unknown, the risk of seeing something anew, the risk of trying something new. There’s also the risk of being different, the risk of standing out, the risk that people might not accept you.  Many of us live according to the expectations of others, so much so that over time we forget who we really are.  Being truly selfish is about understanding yourself, understanding others, and being able to distinguish between the two.

Society constantly tells us what we “should” want.  We should want the latest phones, clothes, and cars.  We should want fame, fortune, and power.  And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting any of these, the truth is many of us pursue these things not because we want them, but because we think that by having them others will like and accept us more.  Unfortunate in a culture replete with such distractions, the line between “I” and “other” can get easily blurred.  Thus, the quest for true selfishness not only takes diligence, but bravery in being able to separate what I want, versus what they want.

It’s only after you have given to yourself more wholly and completely that you can truly give to another person .  You can only give as much as you have.  To truly give selflessly, you must be coming from a solid, self-loving place.  You have to love yourself, care for yourself, and be happy with who you are.  To get there, you have to care enough about yourself to go for what you truly want, to get your needs met.  You must be selfish.  Otherwise, what you call “giving” is not so much giving as much as it might be more a way to get approval or control others.  When giving, the less their reaction affects you, the more selfless a place you are giving from.  Therefore, you must first be truly selfish to be truly selfless.

So why do people sometimes accuse one another of being selfish, as if being selfish is bad?  Well, it seems as though when we accuse others of being selfish, we really mean arrogant, conceited, or self-absorbed.  Ironically, people who come off as arrogant, conceited, or self-absorbed actually have very low opinions of themselves, they have little self-worth. Contrary to popular belief, they are not selfish at all.  They have not cared for themselves to get their core needs met.  They compensate for their lack of self-worth by pretending to be something they are not. They are only presenting a facade to cover up how badly they feel inside. Conversely, people who are selfish do have self-worth, they do value themselves, and they do care for themselves in going for what is important to them. Selfish people are less likely to become arrogant, conceited, or self-absorbed because they are focused on getting their needs met in a meaningful way.

In addition, we tend to forget that when people make such vehement claims, they are really making a statement about themselves.  They are unsettled, uncomfortable by the sight of a person being different.  They probably feel threatened.  Deep down, they are likely thinking, “By seeing you act in your own individual way, I’m feeling uneasy about myself.   This difference in opinion, stance, point of view makes me feel insecure and unsure of myself.  I’m afraid your position might have some validity that I have not considered.  I’m afraid to entertain this thought because it may mean that I’m wrong or my understanding is incomplete.  I’m too scared to admit this because it’s too overwhelming.  Instead of seeing this for what it is, I’m going to focus my attention on you, blame you, and put you down.  It’s so much easier to point at you than to look at my own vulnerability and fallibility, to admit I might be wrong or missing something.”

Being selfish means caring for yourself.  It means loving yourself, and valuing yourself enough to be the person you want to be.  Selfish people are aware, they are real, and they are kind.  They muster up the courage to be who they want to be, and respect others for who they want to be.

To learn how to be the best version of yourself, and invite powerful relationships in your life, call or email today for a free phone consultation.

People Pleasing: What Are You Really Trying To Do?

May 22, 2025May 1, 2025 by Dr. Raymond Nourmand, Ph.D.

People-pleasing has been a commonplace phenomenon for as long as people have existed. It comes up in different ways, across various social settings, and is done for a range of reasons. The practice of people-pleasing refers to our tendency to act in a particular way to evoke pleasant feelings in the people around us. At … Read more

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