Anxiety Archives - West LA Psychologist | Dr. Raymond Nourmand, Ph.D.

There are various ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. In this post, I will discuss 5 common ones. Some of these patterns are subtle, while others are more obvious. It is important to note that people with insecure attachment styles generally employ these and other distancing mechanisms from an unconscious place. That is, they usually are not even aware that they are doing it. It’s not intentional. Given their traumatic pasts, this has become part of their unconscious defense system to create distance, avoid vulnerability, and prevent emotional closeness. Often, they will not take accountability for these things either because they can’t even see that they are doing it. Their lack of accountability, however, does not reflect a direct intention to hurt others, but rather an unconscious objective to create distance because they do not feel safe or possibly deserving of close connection or intimacy due to past unresolved abuse that has mentally and emotionally overwhelmed them.

1. Mixed messages. This is one of the most classic ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. They give contradictory messages. Imagine someone gives you romantic overtures, then says they “just want to be friends.” Someone tells you they love and care for you, then yell at you for saying the wrong thing. Someone asks you where you want to go, you tell them, then they go wherever they want without acknowledging or simply minimizing your desire. It can be viewed as a form of unintentional manipulation or “gaslighting.” You may start feeling confused, doubting your perceptions, second-guessing whether what you just experienced is real, and be left scratching your head, wondering what in the world just happened. You may feel like you’re going crazy. In reality, you are not. Perhaps you didn’t even do anything wrong. Maybe you even did something right. Alas, this is their unconscious way of creating distance because they cannot handle emotional closeness.

2. Chronic negativity. This is perhaps one of the more subtle and insidious ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. By maintaining a pessimistic, angry, and cynical attitude on a somewhat regular or routine basis, people with insecure attachment styles can unconsciously do this to generate distance. The constant focus on negativity, what’s wrong, and what could go wrong is meant to push others away, while preventing themselves from getting close to other people as well. In addition, they may unconsciously experience chronic anxiety, persistent worry, and even unconsciously manufacture a false sense urgency for things that are not really that urgent. If it seems irrational, that’s because it probably is. Again, the unconscious need here is to keep people at bay and them away from people because closeness has perhaps historically signaled intense pain and misery for them.

3. Lack of communication. Sometimes people have trouble communicating with each other. That’s okay. That can happen. But when a person persistently struggles to communicate their thoughts and feelings when they are capable of doing so, or is communicating fluidly followed by a sudden, unexpected drop-off in communication, something is off. You might start wondering if you said something wrong, try to reach out to clear a possible misunderstanding, but they suddenly go “off the grid.” Silent. Aloof. Distanced. It almost feels like they don’t care anymore or are uninterested in you. In reality, things may have gotten too close for their comfort, and they needed to pull back to protect themselves. It’s possible you didn’t do anything wrong. They just needed some space, but you wouldn’t know because they didn’t communicate it to you. If you bring it up in the moment, they may even deflect and blame you for being “too needy” or crowding their space. Again, this is an unconscious mechanism meant to push people away, to keep them away from intimate closeness.

4. Sudden explosions. Imagine things are going well, the conversation is going normally, when suddenly the person bursts out with unexpected anger in a manner that is both disproportionate to the circumstance and feels out of place. We all have bad days from time to time, but if this is happening on a semi-regular or routine basis, it could be the person’s insecure attachment style getting activated. When this happens, they are unconsciously driven to push people away because things got too close and that frightens them. The emotional volatility can be difficult to endure. And that’s probably why it’s there. To push away closeness and keep people away.

5. Push-pull dynamic. This is likely one of the more popular ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. Imagine getting close to someone, and when things get really close, the person almost instinctively pushes you away. They withdraw. After they feel regulated by adequate distance, they apply pressure to pull you back in. This pushiness can feel confusing and overwhelming. All the while, the dearth of communication about what is going on can make this more painful for the other. In all likelihood, the person cannot even explain it themselves, either. Their reasoning for suddenly pulling away doesn’t necessarily make sense. They might claim, “I got busy.” It can lead to the other side feeling like they got “emotional whiplash.” The reason? To keep the person away from getting too close.

While we are all human and can engage in any of the above mechanisms for different reasons, the ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships is noteworthy. They often engage in the above on a fairly regular basis on an unconscious level when things get close to sabotage the possibility of emotional closeness from occurring. It is their default response in reaction to painful, unresolved traumatic incidents from their pasts. They are not doing it because they are bad people. They are doing it because they are scared. It can feel very frustrating to be on the receiving end of these mechanisms, especially when you care for and love them and they don’t seem to be able to see that. Learning how to engage and interact with people who employ these unconscious distancing patterns can be a task, but it is possible. By understanding your own attachment style, it can be easier to learn how to navigate the above distancing mechanisms in a manner that embodies grace, kindness, and respect. Key to this? Understanding that it’s not personal. It’s not your fault. You didn’t cause them to do this.

If you struggle with any of the above and want compassionate help overcoming the pattern, or you are interested in learning how to handle the ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships with clarity and confidence, feel free to call or email for a free phone consultation.

Healing your attachment style is a powerful way to transform your relationships. Rooted in Attachment Theory developed by psychologist Dr. John Bowlby in 1958, our attachment styles can be thought of as our pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving with people in relationships, with ourselves, and the world around us. It is shaped in childhood, and often has lasting effects throughout our lifespan. In this post, I will outline the 4 different attachment styles that exist, where they come from, how they manifest in adulthood, and how you can begin healing your attachment style today if you’d like.

1. Secure attachment style. When children grow up in an emotionally and psychologically stable, safe, and secure environment, where their feelings are heard, thoughts are acknowledged, and experiences are validated, they feel good. They learn to trust themselves, view other people as safe and reliable, and perceive the world as a positive place. Accordingly, they develop healthy self-esteem, good communication skills, appropriate boundaries, and they feel comfortable expressing their needs in a kind, compassionate, and respectful manner. These people are “social warriors.” They feel deserving enough to be their authentic selves, interact confidently and caringly with other people, and they enjoy lifting people up because they genuinely care about them. For these people, relationships and closeness feel good. They look forward to the safety, security, and support relationships can bring, and live more calmly than do people with other attachment styles. When interpersonal problems arise, they can read other peoples’ emotions well, and communicate kindly without losing sight of their value and worth in the process, without bringing themselves down. Secure attachment style is truly the basis for healthy relationships.

2. Anxious attachment style (insecure). When kids are raised in an emotionally volatile setting, where their caregivers are inconsistent in their care, where feelings are frequently neglected, thoughts are usually denied, and experiences are often invalidated, it can be very frustrating and hurtful for them. This type of inconsistency and mental unpredictability can be very scary for the child, and engender tremendous fear and anxiety within them. As such, people with anxious attachment style are likely to carry this anxiety in their relationships throughout their lifespan if left unchecked. They are operating from a place of fearing abandonment. Unfortunately, they are constantly anxious, do not feel deserving, struggle to communicate their needs, have difficulty upholding boundaries, and often settle for less-than-desirable conditions. To them, any relationship is better than no relationship, so they may become especially vulnerable to tolerating relationships where their needs are not getting met. Because this is what is familiar to them. Deep down, they think to themselves, “At least I have someone. And that’s enough.”

3. Dismissive-avoidant attachment style (insecure). Similar to conditions that create the above insecure attachment style, in the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, the person learns that people are not safe, closeness is inappropriate, and relationships are not reliable. They are operating from a place of wanting to avoid closeness. People with dismissive-avoidant attachment style struggle to recognize their feelings, have trouble identifying their emotional needs, and often put high emphasis on independence and self-reliance. Communication about their vulnerability and feelings, and personal accountability are usually not very common for them. It is not because they are bad people, however. They are unconsciously scared to get close to people, so their minds tend to, unbeknownst to them, dismiss their feelings, and adopt mechanisms to make sure people stay at a distance. Their core dialogue may be something like, “Intimacy is not safe, so I’ll focus on everything else.”

4. Fearful-avoidant attachment style (insecure). Also arising from insecure conditions described above, the fearful-avoidant attachment style gets a little tricky. This can be thought of as a combination of both anxious attachment style and dismissive-avoidant attachment style together. In this attachment style, the person consciously wants and desires closeness in relationships, but is simultaneously fearful of it as well. People with fearful-avoidant attachment style can actually be very kind, confident, and even charismatic on the outside, but their anxiety, self-doubt, and low self-esteem makes them scared to get too close. It is the classic “push-pull” dynamic, wherein they will come close, but once it is too close they immediately retreat or move away. Again, they are not doing this maliciously or even consciously. It is simply their mind’s way of ensuring that people don’t get too close to them, as “closeness” signals pain, hurt, and rejection. Often people with fearful-avoidant attachment style may accomplish a lot, and look great on the outside, but it is usually emanating from a place where they feel undeserving, are constantly trying to prove to themselves and others that they are lovable, and persistently seeking external validation to feel worthy. The underlying belief can be along the lines of, “I want to get close, but I don’t deserve it. Maybe if I make more money, get thinner, and look more attractive, I will be deserving.” But the cycle never ends.

The good news is that healing your attachment style is definitely possible, and it can literally change the qualities of your relationships in a very short period of time. The more open, receptive, and motivated you are to heal, the faster and more powerfully this process can go and the sooner you can be on your way to experiencing better, higher quality relationships. Here are some tips that can help anyone with an insecure attachment style begin to lean more towards greater secure attachment.

1. Identify your attachment style. This is probably one of the most important steps in healing your attachment style. The reason it is so critical is because sometimes misdiagnosing your attachment style can lead you down the wrong path. However, get your attachment style right, and you can get to where you want much more efficiently. For example, some people may experience intense anxiety in relationships. At first glance, some may automatically assume that this is an anxious attachment style. While this may be true, further examination might actually reveal that it is actually not an anxious attachment style, but rather a dismissive-avoidant or even fearful-avoidant attachment style. Both of these avoidant attachment styles can also contain massive amounts of anxiety. When we look at the person in their whole context, it is easier to identify the attachment style accurately.

2. Start tracing how the attachment style has played out. Once you have identified your attachment style accurately, start looking at how it has shaped your experiences in your relationships. Do you notice any patterns? Any similarities in thought processes? Is there a theme to your narratives? Is there a common flavor to the way you have behaved? If you have an anxious attachment style, perhaps you find yourself thinking people will leave you, and thus compromise your sense of self, sometimes staying in unfavorable relationships where you are not seen or heard just to save the relationship. If you have a dismissive attachment style, maybe you tend to find yourself thinking people are getting too close, that they’re being too much, and pulling away from them without really addressing it. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, it’s possible that sometimes you find yourself liking certain people quickly, then suddenly losing interest out of nowhere and becoming overly negative. This can be a very eye-opening experience. Identifying patterns in thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors can begin to unlock lifelong mysteries in your relationships, and open up the path for you to start seeing what you are truly capable of.

3. Create a plan to counteract and challenge the way you have been living. After you have identified your attachment style, have begun to notice how it has shaped your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships, you are ready to start doing life differently. Start small. Make baby steps for yourself. If you have an anxious attachment style, this might mean start saying “No” to little things you would have routinely let slide. If you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, consider looking at how someone made you feel and communicate it with them instead of ignoring it and pretending everything is fine. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, consider taking things in relationships a little slower to allow for gradual momentum to build at a healthier pace that feels comfortable for you. Slowing down can also prevents sudden rushes to judgment. .

4. Prepare for a new life with amazing relationships. As you embark on this path to healing your attachment style, remember that you are worthy, lovable, and deserving of having amazing relationships, with others and yourself. Just because life dealt you a tough hand emotionally and psychologically at the beginning, it doesn’t mean you have to suffer for the rest of your life. Our caregivers had limitations just like us, but we don’t have to continue in their footsteps. They did the best they could, and now it is up to us to rise up, change direction, and soar to new heights. For ourselves. For our children. And for all the people who will be inspired by our kindness and light wherever we go.

If you need help healing your attachment style and elevating your relationships, feel free to call or email today for a free phone consultation.

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