Anxiety

Anxiety, Self-Doubt & Overthinking

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The Anxiety Cycle

Anxiety can be annoying.

What’s Going On Inside

It’s that little voice that makes you obsess over what can go wrong, worry about what could happen, and dwell on the idea that doom looms around the corner. Although sometimes visible on the outside, anxiety has a way of showing up on the inside that is undeniable. In fact, sometimes some might look great externally, appear fine on the surface, and present as confident and charismatic on the exterior, but underneath it be wrought with anxiety. What’s gonna’ happen? Is it gonna’ work out? Why won’t it work out? Will they like me? Why won’t they like me? How can I make sure they like me? How can I make sure this outcome happens? How can I guarantee that result? This type of preoccupied thinking is common amongst people with anxiety. And it can apply to relationships, work, health, and other facets of life, too. At the same time, it usually comes with a noticeable dosage of self-doubt and overthinking as well.


The Self-Doubt Trap

While anxiety makes one worry, self-doubt can arguably keep one in that state of worry. Self-doubt refers to constantly second-guessing, questioning, and mistrusting one’s own thoughts, feelings, desires, and actions. When people doubt themselves, it’s difficult to move forward meaningfully. With the paralyzing fear of making a mistake or losing control, there is a loss of confidence in one’s ability to pull the trigger and take a stand. Consequently, it can make it difficult for one to even articulate what one is thinking, feeling, desiring, or wants to do. Because the person is confused. The stuckness can make it challenging to move, or even to make a move. Perhaps this means not getting started on what one really wants to do. Maybe it means slowing down on the right path out of a fear of messing up. Or even being conveniently stuck on a path that’s going at a smooth pace, but in the wrong direction. Understandably, self-doubt can create angst, erode self esteem, and diminish self-worth. It frantically feels like your mind is going a thousand miles an hour, but your body is lagging at twenty.

Overthinking Mode

Naturally, when a person comes to self-doubt for a period of time, it can often lead to overthinking. When one overthinks a situation, he or she replays it in their minds over and over again in hopes of figuring something out. Why did he say that? What did it mean? But what if he’s right? While there is value to reviewing something to try to better understand, or to evaluate to make better decisions, once that process starts creating overwhelm and discomfort, it doesn’t make sense anymore. This is no longer about re-evaluation, but about something else. The obsessive review becomes irrational. Wondering why someone said something or why something happened a certain way is one thing. Trying to nail down all the possibilities of why something turned out one way and not another, or what needs to happen to create a particular outcome is exhausting. Plus, it doesn’t actually help as much as one may think. We don’t have the capability to read another person’s mind, to know why something happened one way versus another, or what is going to happen in the future. It should be okay to not know the exact details of why things are the way they are, or what will happen in the future, but anxious overthinking convinces us we need to know! Now!


Where Does It Come From?

So what gives? What are the root causes here? Where do these anxious tendencies of self-doubt and overthinking come from? To answer these questions, consider looking at childhood. Kids are very smart, sensitive, and perceptive. They are filled with life, and are usually very expressive about their inner world. However, they are also very impressionable, easily and deeply affected by what they see, hear, and witness. On top of all this, kids are also very egotistical by nature, meaning they think everything is about them. As a result, if someone disagrees with them, steers them in a “different” direction, or denies their emotions, they are naturally inclined to think that if anything, the other person is right, and any disagreement comes from them being wrong. In the absence of someone clarifying to the child that his or her perception is not wrong, the child starts to think there is something wrong with themselves. “Others can’t be wrong. It must be me,” thinks the egotistical-by-nature child. However, there is still a part of them that wants to believe what they experienced. While still holding on to their truth, the contradictory message from the external world can confuse them. For example, if Joe is upset, but his parent tells him he should not be upset, Joe is in a dilemma: does he listen to his heart and own that he is upset? Or does he believe his parent who “knows more” that he is actually not upset, or that he should not be upset? Joe is subtly, but powerfully being pulled in different directions here. And the more it happens, the more he learns to doubt himself, and doubt his reality. Am I right? Or are they right? Should I listen to me? Or listen to them?

The Cycle Continues

As this happens repeatedly over time, the seeds of self-doubt have been officially sown. And the child slowly loses trust in their own voice. “After all, if that all-knowing figure didn’t agree with me, then there must be something wrong with me and my perceptions. But something tells me I might be right. But then again, they might know better, and I might be wrong for feeling this way,” is the inner narrative. It all gets complicated, complex, and confusing. Over time, the person learns to lose trust in their perceptions, their experiences, and to defer to what others think. They don’t know what they think anymore. What they feel. What they want. Or, they don’t want to know. So they “conveniently” rely on overthinking to try to get to “the right answer.” But it never comes. Because there is not always a “right answer.” And maybe that is the subconscious point. Keeping the person anxious, stuck, with diminished self-esteem, and low self-worth. (Repeat cycle).

Breaking Free

Fortunately, there is a way out of all this. The antidote to anxiety, self-doubt, and overthinking is not to know everything, but to learn how to trust yourself with everything that happens. I say “again” because I believe deep down we all know what our truth is. We know what we really think, feel, and want. We just need permission to access it, and to understand that we are worth being who we truly want to be and know we can be. That’s where the freedom truly lies. When we can be ourselves genuinely and authentically, and respect others for who they are and where they are in their own journeys.

Without anxiety.

Without any doubts.

Without a second thought.

3 Ways Secure Relationships Differ from Insecure Relationships

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Back in 1938, a landmark study began wherein several hundred people were followed for over 80 years. Famously known as the “Harvard Study of Human Development,” this study concluded that peoples’ long term happiness and health is positively associated with the quality of their relationships. Basically, if you want to see how someone is doing mentally, emotionally, and physically, looking at the nature of their relationships can be very telling. Generally, people who report better quality relationship tend to fare better in all these areas. Plain and simple. And it’s easy to understand why. When we feel safe, secure, and calmed by our relationships, life becomes so much more fun to navigate through. And unfortunately, the opposite is true as well. Frequently, people in more secure relationships tend to feel better about themselves and the world, while those in insecure relationships often feel unsettled, ungrounded, and constantly on-edge. To clarify some differences between what secure and insecure relationships look like, in this post, I will outline 3 specific ways that secure relationships differ from insecure relationships.

1. Connection vs. Control. One way secure relationships differ from insecure relationships is that secure relationships prioritize connection. People in secure relationships tend to be more mindful and mutually invested in how their words and actions affect other people. They genuinely care about people. As a result, they are inclined to behave in ways that promote kind, respectful, and empathic exchanges. Notice that such types of interactions usually create a warm atmosphere for people to feel safe being themselves, while allowing others to be themselves as well. Incidentally, this mutual care and considerateness can invite people to be their authentic selves, and enjoy each other’s company in a manner that fills everyone up. On the other hand, insecure relationships generally emphasize the need for control. Usually driven by anxiety, here people may be more inclined to do things to get something out of other people, or perhaps even “one up” them. Often pushing, shaming, and manipulating become go-to moves to get people to do what you want them to do, regardless of how it might make them feel. Here, tabs are kept, and selfish desires prevail with less regard to how others might feel about the actions taken, or how the actions are taken.

2. Dialogue vs. Being Right. Another way secure relationships differ from insecure relationships is that secure relationships usually foster open discussion. This means that when interacting with others, the goal is not to necessarily achieve a particular end goal in a specific way as much as it’s about soliciting the other person for their thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. Naturally, there is a desire for collaboration and mutual exchange. Because the other person matters, too. This may involve asking open-ended questions, seeking clarification, and expressing curiosity to the other person because you value their experience as a human being and want to acknowledge their value as a person. Alternatively, insecure relationships usually become about arguments and winning. They embody an adversarial mindset, where there are “winners” and “losers.” Someone is right, and someone is wrong. This spirit can generate unhealthy competition, and breed resentment in the one who gets the short end of the stick, making them feel smaller, weaker, and inferior. It promotes a sense of selfishness, entitlement, and dismissiveness to how one’s actions may make someone else feel. Unfortunately, this can, in turn, lead to a “dog eat dog” dynamic that will only exacerbate these sentiments.

3. Growth vs. Anxiety. Finally, another way secure relationships differ from insecure relationships is that secure ones promote a sense of personal growth and expansion that is enjoyable and fulfilling for all sides. As we rise and excel in our lives, we want people who will celebrate and exalt our achievements, sharing in our joy. This motivates us to want to be better people and to give back to the world around us with confidence, self-worth, and passion. Furthermore, in this context, one person’s win is not perceived as a threat to others. Instead, everyone can win. Together. And in their own ways. However, insecure relationships tend to create anxiety, fear, and worry in others. Organically, when seeking control is the backdrop, and being right is the objective, it is difficult to feel safe in such a climate. Instead, there is a patterned sense of urgency, scarcity, and alarm that prompts people to push, hustle, and prove in ways that compromise mental and emotional warmth, security and peace. In fact, when operating from such a sense of survival, there is naturally less focus and attention given to what is said, how it is said, or how it may affect other people. Sadly, this can exhaust people, and unknowingly push them away.

When we focus on building connection, engaging in dialogue, and promoting a sense of personal growth in our environments, our relationships can thrive and provide a sense of nourishment to our souls. As people, we are social creatures. We thrive off of emotional closeness, and do our best when we feel whole, complete, and one with ourselves and the world around us. Cultivating healthy and secure relationships is an investment in our own happiness and longevity that can pay dividends for the rest of our lives. The more we can learn how to be in relationships that promote connection, caring, and love from all directions, the healthier and happier we are likely to become.

And the kinder footsteps we will leave for others to step into.


The Root of Anxiety: Fear of Being Disconnected

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Anxiety is a widespread mental health concern in the United States, especially in Los Angeles. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, it is estimated that over 30% of Americans will have a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder in their lifetime. This means that nearly 1 out of every 3 people will likely be diagnosed with having an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives. Given that not everyone with anxiety is aware of or will admit to having anxiety, chances are that the number of people experiencing anxiety is actually higher than this figure. Like, way higher. Anxiety is a condition often characterized by marked fear or worry, a feeling of tenseness, agitation, irritability, and overwhelm. Psychologically, anxiety tends to manifest in the form of overthinking, overanalyzing, over-intellectualizing, second-guessing, and self-doubting, too. With anxiety ostensibly on the rise, naturally you might be wondering: Why is anxiety so prevalent? Where does it come from? What is the root of anxiety?

To answer these questions about anxiety, it’s important to consider that the world we live in today is very unique. Although we benefit from exceptional technologies, achievements, and accomplishments at record paces, the reality is that the world we live in today does tend to promote a sense of emotional avoidance and distance. When we are routinely being taught that our value is intimately tied to how we look, how much money we have, who we know, and how well we perform, this interferes with our natural pursuit of authentic connections as human beings with other human beings. When what you do, how you look, and who you know become more important than who you are, anxiety is almost inevitable. As pressure mounts to polish the image to win validation from others, it is easy for a person to lose sight of who they are. The identity becomes murky. Alas, the appearance takes precedence over the reality. From here, it can be argued that the driving force behind this frantic obsession to perform and look successful and attractive is the fundamental root of anxiety: the fear of being disconnected. A fear of missing out. A fear of missing out on perceived connection.

Although there are exceptional advantages to the world we live in today compared to the past, it is important to recognize that that efficiency is coming at a cost. When people feel a pressure to come off a certain way in order to be liked, feel accepted, and “be connected” to other people, when the performance is more important than the individual’s truth, something is wrong with this picture. Unfortunately, these people stand to lose their sense of self. They disconnect from their true selves. And, consequently, disconnect from others as well.

A common narrative amongst people with anxiety is, “I am not good enough.” Sadly, this belief often began in childhood, wherein the child was criticized, put down, diminished, neglected, and invalidated by caregivers, adults, or other people. What the child didn’t realize at the time is that those people who did all those hurtful things were limited. Alas, the child could not understand that the criticism, judgment, or neglect was not about them. They could not fathom that they did not have control, so they internalized it all and took everything personally. It gave them a sense of pseudo control. Indeed, one of the hallmarks of childhood cognition is egocentricity: thinking everything is about them. Someone yells? “It was my fault.” Someone doesn’t pay enough attention to them? “There must be something wrong with me.” Someone mistreats them? “I must have done something to deserve it.” And so much more. In this process, the child learned to internalize everything. From reactions, to judgments, to outcomes, they reason, “It was because of me.” Imagine repeating this throughout one’s lifespan. Thinking anything and everything that happens is because of you. Before you know it, self-worth would drop. Self-confidence would be pummeled. And naturally, anxiety would rise. All due to this delusion that they are the center of the world, that they are the cause of everything. From here, the anxiety leads the person to constantly look outside themselves to feel valuable on the inside. Whether it’s to look good, sound smart, or appear attractive, the anxious desperation likely kicks in and convinces the person that they need to get a certain outcome to feel important, valuable, or deserving. To feel like they matter in the world. To the world.

While the root of anxiety may look nuanced for everyone, the underlying pattern seems similar across the board. The person with anxiety has spent so much time running, trying, surviving just to feel like he or she is enough. Trying to be who they think they “ought” to be, or others want them to be, to be worthy of love and connection. But nothing is ever enough. Sadly, there is no amount of money, good looks, cars, homes, or even external validation that will convince someone with anxiety that he or she is good enough. The way to treat the root of anxiety at its core appears to be about finding solace in personal authenticity, intimacy, and deep connection.

With oneself. With others. With confidence. And with kindness.

How Relationship Anxiety Sabotages Connection

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One of the most important topics in relationship psychology is how relationship anxiety sabotages connection. As a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, I am aware of this phenomenon very well. I counsel patients who struggle with relationship anxiety that in some cases leads them to sabotage their relationships without consciously realizing it. The good news is that relationship anxiety is a very treatable condition. Understanding and addressing relationship anxieties and sabotage attempts can transform the way you live your life and the quality of your interactions very powerfully, and in a very short period of time. In this post, I will describe how this dynamic works, various ways it can manifest, where it comes from, and key tips on how to disrupt the cycle so that you can connect more freely and lovingly again.

Imagine you’re having a nice conversation with someone: a partner, lover, family member, or other. And suddenly you notice them starting to steer the conversation in a different direction. Perhaps they’re randomly taking the conversation somewhere else, finding fault with you, criticizing you, or even getting angry and negative out of nowhere. You wonder to yourself, “Wait, what? What’s happening? Did I say something?” You try to address it with them, but you don’t get what’s happening. It’s all occurring so fast. And seemingly out of left field. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think they are trying to create a problem. And actually, you may be right on the money here. This is an example of how relationship anxiety sabotages connection in relationships. Often it is done unconsciously, meaning the person doing it doesn’t even realize they’re doing it.

You might be wondering, why would someone do such a thing? Why would someone try to ruin a good thing? How does that make any sense? In order to understand the core of how relationship anxiety sabotages connection, it’s important to look at what relationships mean to people. Usually, our conception of relationships is shaped by our childhood experiences. The way we were treated by our parents or caregivers growing up usually forms the basis of what we think relationships are and a template for how we think relationships ought to be. For example, if our parents understood our feelings, respected our emotions, and acknowledged our experiences in ways that made us feel safe and secure, chances are that that is what we have come to expect out of relationships. A place where we are heard, listened to, and valued for who we are and how we exist. On the other hand, if our caregivers were more anxious, controlling, or absent in ways that made us feel emotionally neglected, scared, and confused, then that is what we probably came to expect from relationships. An arrangement where we will be emotionally unseen, used, criticized, and denied. Furthermore, the relationships we are used to are usually the relationships we seek. It’s what we are most familiar with, and feel most comfortable with as well.

Moreover, the relationships we are most familiar with usually shape our beliefs about what we think we deserve, and thus our relationship choices. Namely, if we are used to being in healthy relationships, wherein we feel consistent love, support and understanding, we are likely to come to believe that we are worthy of love, and thus seek out relationships that confirm this belief. Think relationships that revitalize us, ones abundant in genuine kindness and respect. If this is our norm, this is what we are most familiar with, and this is what we believe we deserve, then this is where we feel most comfortable. On the other hand, if we are used to relationships where we are routinely criticized, put down, or neglected, then we are likely to come to believe that we are not worthy of love, and thus unconsciously seek out relationships that confirm this belief. Think relationships that involve us being put down or overlooked, ones where we are treated poorly and made to feel small and bad about ourselves. If this is our norm, this is what we are most familiar with, and this is what we believe we deserve, then sadly this is where we feel most “comfortable.” And so we will unconsciously feel most “comfortable” in these types of unhealthy relationships. After all, they validate what we think we deserve.

As a result, when we are in a relationship that is healthier than what we are used to, or healthier than what we think we deserve, we often get challenged. This is where relationship anxiety sabotages connection. Suddenly, we face ourselves. The change can begin to make us frightened because we are getting triggered by a “closeness anxiety” or a “too-good-to-be-true” syndrome. In both of these cases, our mind has detected a significant difference between what is familiar to us based on past experiences and what we think we deserve, and what we are getting in real time. Deep down, when we are used to shit, we come to believe that shit is what we deserve. When we believe that shit is what we deserve, anything greater than shit may start to make us feel anxious. Plain and simple. The underlying dialogue is something like, “Give me something better, and it just doesn’t sit well. So I need to ruin it to be at equilibrium, to get it back to what I think I deserve.” Some ways in which this may manifest include: becoming paranoid and mistrusting when someone does something nice for you, giving mixed signals, experiencing disproportionate anger at subjects that do not warrant such a reaction, hurting the other without taking accountability, or even abruptly running away after things were going so well. The goal of all these and other self-sabotaging mechanisms is simple: to create distance, and push the other person away. Ultimately, they do not feel worthy or deserving of being treated so well.

Self-sabotaging is exhausting. Not only does it use up a lot of energy for the person doing it, but it also drains the person who is doing it because their insides are going haywire. A constant tug of war with no end in sight. And arguably the worst part? They don’t know what is going on, or how to make it stop. An important element to understand is that the person who is self-sabotaging is not a bad person. They are not even sabotaging the connection on purpose. They are merely getting triggered from past wounds, struggling with self-worth issues, and are yearning for safety. Unconsciously, there is a belief of unworthiness, undeservingness, an inherent unlovability that is getting challenged and causing all the turmoil based on unresolved past traumas. There is an inherent fear that something bad will happen, so the sabotage can be viewed as a preemptive strike to make sure what happened before does not happen again. It’s primarily driven by an unconscious desire to protect the self, not so much to necessarily hurt the other person.

The more people have been exposed to unhealthy relationship dynamics over a period of time, the odds of them having internalized and personalized those toxic, stressful, and dysfunction dynamics is very real. Being conditioned to believe that relationships are not safe, that they are wrought with control, manipulation, neglect and criticism makes the whole idea of “being in relationship” a risky endeavor. If you have been systematically unseen, unheard, criticized, judged, neglected, or taken advantage of in relationships, then there is good reason for you to feel anxious, uncomfortable, and hesitant to enter into a relationship. The negative association can run very deep, and lead to an unconscious desire to self-sabotage, or unknowingly trip yourself up to avoid getting the thing you say you want. It’s really a very sad, frustrating, and devastating process.

However, there is good news. While relationship anxiety sabotages connection, it doesn’t always have to. Treating relationship anxiety may take some work to heal, but when it is done and done well, it can literally begin to revolutionize a person’s experiences in relationships within a short time span (think days, weeks, and months for someone who is very ready and motivated to change). By getting to the root causes of these dynamics, and addressing them at the core, relationship freedom is well within reach. When that happens, clarity, confidence, and joy naturally flow. So you can love happily, securely, and stably.

If you are ready to transform the way you show up in relationships and love the way you are meant to love, call or email for a free phone consultation.

5 Hidden Ways Insecure Attachment Styles Create Distance

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There are various ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. In this post, I will discuss 5 common ones. Some of these patterns are subtle, while others are more obvious. It is important to note that people with insecure attachment styles generally employ these and other distancing mechanisms from an unconscious place. That is, they usually are not even aware that they are doing it. It’s not intentional. Given their traumatic pasts, this has become part of their unconscious defense system to create distance, avoid vulnerability, and prevent emotional closeness. Often, they will not take accountability for these things either because they can’t even see that they are doing it. Their lack of accountability, however, does not reflect a direct intention to hurt others, but rather an unconscious objective to create distance because they do not feel safe or possibly deserving of close connection or intimacy due to past unresolved abuse that has mentally and emotionally overwhelmed them.

1. Mixed messages. This is one of the most classic ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. They give contradictory messages. Imagine someone gives you romantic overtures, then says they “just want to be friends.” Someone tells you they love and care for you, then yell at you for saying the wrong thing. Someone asks you where you want to go, you tell them, then they go wherever they want without acknowledging or simply minimizing your desire. It can be viewed as a form of unintentional manipulation or “gaslighting.” You may start feeling confused, doubting your perceptions, second-guessing whether what you just experienced is real, and be left scratching your head, wondering what in the world just happened. You may feel like you’re going crazy. In reality, you are not. Perhaps you didn’t even do anything wrong. Maybe you even did something right. Alas, this is their unconscious way of creating distance because they cannot handle emotional closeness.

2. Chronic negativity. This is perhaps one of the more subtle and insidious ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. By maintaining a pessimistic, angry, and cynical attitude on a somewhat regular or routine basis, people with insecure attachment styles can unconsciously do this to generate distance. The constant focus on negativity, what’s wrong, and what could go wrong is meant to push others away, while preventing themselves from getting close to other people as well. In addition, they may unconsciously experience chronic anxiety, persistent worry, and even unconsciously manufacture a false sense urgency for things that are not really that urgent. If it seems irrational, that’s because it probably is. Again, the unconscious need here is to keep people at bay and them away from people because closeness has perhaps historically signaled intense pain and misery for them.

3. Lack of communication. Sometimes people have trouble communicating with each other. That’s okay. That can happen. But when a person persistently struggles to communicate their thoughts and feelings when they are capable of doing so, or is communicating fluidly followed by a sudden, unexpected drop-off in communication, something is off. You might start wondering if you said something wrong, try to reach out to clear a possible misunderstanding, but they suddenly go “off the grid.” Silent. Aloof. Distanced. It almost feels like they don’t care anymore or are uninterested in you. In reality, things may have gotten too close for their comfort, and they needed to pull back to protect themselves. It’s possible you didn’t do anything wrong. They just needed some space, but you wouldn’t know because they didn’t communicate it to you. If you bring it up in the moment, they may even deflect and blame you for being “too needy” or crowding their space. Again, this is an unconscious mechanism meant to push people away, to keep them away from intimate closeness.

4. Sudden explosions. Imagine things are going well, the conversation is going normally, when suddenly the person bursts out with unexpected anger in a manner that is both disproportionate to the circumstance and feels out of place. We all have bad days from time to time, but if this is happening on a semi-regular or routine basis, it could be the person’s insecure attachment style getting activated. When this happens, they are unconsciously driven to push people away because things got too close and that frightens them. The emotional volatility can be difficult to endure. And that’s probably why it’s there. To push away closeness and keep people away.

5. Push-pull dynamic. This is likely one of the more popular ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. Imagine getting close to someone, and when things get really close, the person almost instinctively pushes you away. They withdraw. After they feel regulated by adequate distance, they apply pressure to pull you back in. This pushiness can feel confusing and overwhelming. All the while, the dearth of communication about what is going on can make this more painful for the other. In all likelihood, the person cannot even explain it themselves, either. Their reasoning for suddenly pulling away doesn’t necessarily make sense. They might claim, “I got busy.” It can lead to the other side feeling like they got “emotional whiplash.” The reason? To keep the person away from getting too close.

While we are all human and can engage in any of the above mechanisms for different reasons, the ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships is noteworthy. They often engage in the above on a fairly regular basis on an unconscious level when things get close to sabotage the possibility of emotional closeness from occurring. It is their default response in reaction to painful, unresolved traumatic incidents from their pasts. They are not doing it because they are bad people, however. They are doing it because they are scared. Deep down, it can even bother them because they continue to unknowingly push people away without knowing why. Understandably, they often feel lonely inside, but sadly, they are usually unaware of how they are contributing to it as well.

At the same time, it can feel very frustrating to be on the receiving end of these mechanisms, too, especially when you care for and love them and they don’t seem to be able to see that. Learning how to engage and interact with people who employ these unconscious distancing patterns can be a task, but it is possible. By understanding your own attachment style, it can be easier to learn how to navigate the above distancing mechanisms in a manner that embodies grace, kindness, and respect. Key to this? Understanding that it’s not personal. It’s not your fault. You didn’t cause them to do this.

If you struggle with any of the above and want compassionate help overcoming the pattern, or you are interested in learning how to handle the different ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships with clarity and confidence, feel free to call or email for a free phone consultation.

Healing Your Attachment Style: A Practical Guide

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Healing your attachment style is a powerful way to transform your relationships. Rooted in Attachment Theory developed by psychologist Dr. John Bowlby in 1958, our attachment styles can be thought of as our pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving with people in relationships, with ourselves, and the world around us. It is shaped in childhood, and often has lasting effects throughout our lifespan. In this post, I will outline the 4 different attachment styles that exist, where they come from, how they manifest in adulthood, and how you can begin healing your attachment style today if you’d like.

1. Secure attachment style. When children grow up in an emotionally and psychologically stable, safe, and secure environment, where their feelings are heard, thoughts are acknowledged, and experiences are validated, they feel good. They learn to trust themselves, view other people as safe and reliable, and perceive the world as a positive place. Accordingly, they develop healthy self-esteem, good communication skills, appropriate boundaries, and they feel comfortable expressing their needs in a kind, compassionate, and respectful manner. These people are “social warriors.” They feel deserving enough to be their authentic selves, interact confidently and caringly with other people, and they enjoy lifting people up because they genuinely care about them. For these people, relationships and closeness feel good. They look forward to the safety, security, and support relationships can bring, and live more calmly than do people with other attachment styles. When interpersonal problems arise, they can read other peoples’ emotions well, and communicate kindly without losing sight of their value and worth in the process, without bringing themselves down. Secure attachment style is truly the basis for healthy relationships.

2. Anxious attachment style (insecure). When kids are raised in an emotionally volatile setting, where their caregivers are inconsistent in their care, where feelings are frequently neglected, thoughts are usually denied, and experiences are often invalidated, it can be very frustrating and hurtful for them. This type of inconsistency and mental unpredictability can be very scary for the child, and engender tremendous fear and anxiety within them. As such, people with anxious attachment style are likely to carry this anxiety in their relationships throughout their lifespan if left unchecked. They are operating from a place of fearing abandonment. Unfortunately, they are constantly anxious, do not feel deserving, struggle to communicate their needs, have difficulty upholding boundaries, and often settle for less-than-desirable conditions. To them, any relationship is better than no relationship, so they may become especially vulnerable to tolerating relationships where their needs are not getting met. Because this is what is familiar to them. Deep down, they think to themselves, “At least I have someone. And that’s enough.”

3. Dismissive-avoidant attachment style (insecure). Similar to conditions that create the above insecure attachment style, in the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, the person learns that people are not safe, closeness is inappropriate, and relationships are not reliable. They are operating from a place of wanting to avoid closeness. People with dismissive-avoidant attachment style struggle to recognize their feelings, have trouble identifying their emotional needs, and often put high emphasis on independence and self-reliance. Communication about their vulnerability and feelings, and personal accountability are usually not very common for them. It is not because they are bad people, however. They are unconsciously scared to get close to people, so their minds tend to, unbeknownst to them, dismiss their feelings, and adopt mechanisms to make sure people stay at a distance. Their core dialogue may be something like, “Intimacy is not safe, so I’ll focus on everything else.”

4. Fearful-avoidant attachment style (insecure). Also arising from insecure conditions described above, the fearful-avoidant attachment style gets a little tricky. This can be thought of as a combination of both anxious attachment style and dismissive-avoidant attachment style together. In this attachment style, the person consciously wants and desires closeness in relationships, but is simultaneously fearful of it as well. People with fearful-avoidant attachment style can actually be very kind, confident, and even charismatic on the outside, but their anxiety, self-doubt, and low self-esteem makes them scared to get too close. It is the classic “push-pull” dynamic, wherein they will come close, but once it is too close they immediately retreat or move away. Again, they are not doing this maliciously or even consciously. It is simply their mind’s way of ensuring that people don’t get too close to them, as “closeness” signals pain, hurt, and rejection. Often people with fearful-avoidant attachment style may accomplish a lot, and look great on the outside, but it is usually emanating from a place where they feel undeserving, are constantly trying to prove to themselves and others that they are lovable, and persistently seeking external validation to feel worthy. The underlying belief can be along the lines of, “I want to get close, but I don’t deserve it. Maybe if I make more money, get thinner, and look more attractive, I will be deserving.” But the cycle never ends.

The good news is that healing your attachment style is definitely possible, and it can literally change the qualities of your relationships in a very short period of time. The more open, receptive, and motivated you are to heal, the faster and more powerfully this process can go and the sooner you can be on your way to experiencing better, higher quality relationships. Here are some tips that can help anyone with an insecure attachment style begin to lean more towards greater secure attachment.

1. Identify your attachment style. This is probably one of the most important steps in healing your attachment style. The reason it is so critical is because sometimes misdiagnosing your attachment style can lead you down the wrong path. However, get your attachment style right, and you can get to where you want much more efficiently. For example, some people may experience intense anxiety in relationships. At first glance, some may automatically assume that this is an anxious attachment style. While this may be true, further examination might actually reveal that it is actually not an anxious attachment style, but rather a dismissive-avoidant or even fearful-avoidant attachment style. Both of these avoidant attachment styles can also contain massive amounts of anxiety. When we look at the person in their whole context, it is easier to identify the attachment style accurately.

2. Start tracing how the attachment style has played out. Once you have identified your attachment style accurately, start looking at how it has shaped your experiences in your relationships. Do you notice any patterns? Any similarities in thought processes? Is there a theme to your narratives? Is there a common flavor to the way you have behaved? If you have an anxious attachment style, perhaps you find yourself thinking people will leave you, and thus compromise your sense of self, sometimes staying in unfavorable relationships where you are not seen or heard just to save the relationship. If you have a dismissive attachment style, maybe you tend to find yourself thinking people are getting too close, that they’re being too much, and pulling away from them without really addressing it. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, it’s possible that sometimes you find yourself liking certain people quickly, then suddenly losing interest out of nowhere and becoming overly negative. This can be a very eye-opening experience. Identifying patterns in thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors can begin to unlock lifelong mysteries in your relationships, and open up the path for you to start seeing what you are truly capable of.

3. Create a plan to counteract and challenge the way you have been living. After you have identified your attachment style, have begun to notice how it has shaped your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships, you are ready to start doing life differently. Start small. Make baby steps for yourself. If you have an anxious attachment style, this might mean start saying “No” to little things you would have routinely let slide. If you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, consider looking at how someone made you feel and communicate it with them instead of ignoring it and pretending everything is fine. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, consider taking things in relationships a little slower to allow for gradual momentum to build at a healthier pace that feels comfortable for you. Slowing down can also prevents sudden rushes to judgment. .

4. Prepare for a new life with amazing relationships. As you embark on this path to healing your attachment style, remember that you are worthy, lovable, and deserving of having amazing relationships, with others and yourself. Just because life dealt you a tough hand emotionally and psychologically at the beginning, it doesn’t mean you have to suffer for the rest of your life. Our caregivers had limitations just like us, but we don’t have to continue in their footsteps. They did the best they could, and now it is up to us to rise up, change direction, and soar to new heights. For ourselves. For our children. And for all the people who will be inspired by our kindness and light wherever we go.

If you need help healing your attachment style and elevating your relationships, feel free to call or email today for a free phone consultation.

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