Fearful avoidant attachment refers to a style of engagement in relationships characterized by a fluctuation between anxiously wanting emotional closeness, and then obsessively creating distance once that closeness has been achieved. If that sounds confusing to you, that’s because it is. A heartbreaking condition, fearful avoidant attachment is often a survival mode of relating, coming from a traumatic childhood where a child’s needs were not consistently seen, acknowledged, or met. Once the child got emotionally close to their parent or caregiver, they were often overlooked, their emotions got put down, and they were rejected. Experiencing this repeatedly over time makes a child wary of getting emotionally close, but that innate desire to connect is still very present, too. Early-on developing the belief that they are undeserving and unworthy of love, people with fearful avoidance often become ambivalent about relationships, whereby the person wants to get emotionally close to people, but is also scared to get emotionally close to people because of what “closeness” has historically signaled: disappointment, rejection, pain. People with fearful avoidant attachment tend to feel chronically anxious, depressed, lonely, and are arguably more prone to addictions than people with other attachment styles. Constantly feeling not good enough, always trying to prove themselves, nothing works. Because there is no amount of achievement, awards, money, good looks, or praise that will fill the emptiness they feel from lack of emotional connection. Deep down, people with fearful avoidant attachment don’t want to push emotional connection away, but they can’t help it. They unconsciously find reasons to wallow, look down on themselves, withdraw, create drama, and push healthy connections away to create distance and avoid the closeness they actually crave inside. That’s how deathly afraid of emotional connection they are. It is alien to them. Sadly, for many, this becomes a way of life. And will stay a way of life. The fact that society seems to promote avoidance doesn’t help either. However, change is possible. Fearful avoidant attachment can be successfully overcome. In this post, I will outline 4 simple steps to healing fearful avoidant attachment.
It’s important to note that recognizing one has a fearful avoidant attachment style is paramount to healing it. We can only change something once we acknowledge it exists. If you are wondering whether you have a fearful avoidant attachment style, consider: do you feel like it is hard to get close to people? Do you constantly think people are judging you or thinking poorly of you? That they’re out to get you? That you are always one step away from disaster? That bad things are just around the corner? Constantly jumping to conclusions? Taking things personally? Thinking you know what will happen even when you don’t? If so, you may be suffering from a fearful avoidant attachment style. In which case, keep reading. Breaking free from this will change your life. Imagine being yourself more. Being more optimistic about life. And living more authentically with confidence.
Healing fearful avoidant attachment is a process. Overwriting it takes diligence, practice, and patience. But the results will transform your life into something beautiful. Imagine being comfortable in your own skin, living with calming peace of mind, and feeling confident about yourself in relationships. Here are the steps.
1. Go slowly. With a nervous system wired for urgency and after years of assuming the worst, it’s important to slow down. Although it may be tempting to assume something bad will happen, to jump to negative conclusions quickly, and prepare for things to fall apart, understand this tendency is nothing more than a survival mechanism that was borne out of trying times when you were younger. It’s a trauma response. It originated to give you a false sense of control when things were out of hand, but it also created a lot of errors, false rules, and spurious associations. The only way to counteract these patterns is to slow down when it comes to interpreting events, and approach events with curiosity and wonder.
2. Challenge immediate negative assumptions. Once you have slowed down and recognized you don’t actually know what is happening, it is important to cross-examine any negative assumptions. Challenging these negative beliefs is important to dismantle the negative loop that has formed in your mind over the years. Ask yourself, “Is there evidence for this interpretation?” “Could I be wrong?” “Is there another way to look at this?” Often there is not adequate evidence. Yes, you can be wrong. And absolutely, there is always another way to look at it. Remembering that automatic negativity is simply a product of the fearful avoidant style can be empowering. Fearful avoidant attachment is literally telling you something bad is imminent because it wants to create distance to avoid closeness. By understanding that you don’t really know what the person meant, why they did what they did, or why what happened happened, you are ready to engage curiously to better understand what actually happened.
3. Explore alternative explanations. Come up with alternative, more positive ways to interpret the events. By doing this, you are teaching your mind to consider that people are not as bad as you may have been conditioned to believe that they are. Or that the avoidant attachment style convinced you of over the years. And you are not as problematic, bad, or unworthy as you think you are either. Maybe they didn’t respond because they got busy and forgot to respond to you. Perhaps they are nervous because they like you, too. It’s possible they were just trying to help in their own way. By merely thinking of these alternative interpretations, and recognizing everything is not your fault, your mind is starting to get used to the possibility that you are good, good things can happen, people can be nice, and the world could be safe. The more these pathways are reinforced, the more accessible and easy they are for your mind to retrieve and believe.
4. Invite connection. When you go slowly, challenge your negative assumptions, and start thinking of how you and circumstances may actually be better than you thought, it is easier to communicate in a manner that invites connection. Instead of getting angry or resentful, now you can approach the situation more level-headed, with curiosity, neutrality, and respect. Ask questions from a place of curiosity, a desire to know, a want to understand because you care. This demonstration of interest is significant. You are learning to trust again. With such a demeanor, you are inviting connection in a simple and very meaningful way. You are respecting yourself, and extending that respect to the other side with a gentle invitation for kind dialogue.
By understanding how the fearful avoidant attachment style has shaped your negative perceptions, thoughts, and interpretations over the years, you can actively start to remedy the situation. The key is recognizing that the problem is not necessarily the world, but rather how you are interpreting the world. Rooted in childhood experiences and shaped by traumas outside your control, the way you perceive the world can improve. Practicing the above steps for healing fearful avoidant attachment can significantly change the way your mind processes information over time. Processing the events that led you to think so negatively can add a powerful layer of depth to this process as well. The more you practice these steps, the faster your mind will create new neural pathways to see reality more clearly, relationships more objectively, and yourself as more valuable than you ever knew. As this happens, it will become easier to participate in relationships because you will no longer expect things to automatically go wrong. Heck, you may even start to expect good things from others. And most importantly, you will understand that you are worthy and deserving just as you are, and that you can handle whatever comes your way. This doesn’t mean you will like everyone you meet, but it will give you a clarity to be able to see better who you truly like and want to get close to, and who you may not want to get close to. Sans anxiety or urgency.
If you want help healing fearful avoidant attachment within yourself so you can have more peace of mind, stability, and confidence in relationships, feel free to call or email for a free phone consultation.