We’ve all heard of the hustle. Obsessions with career-building, expanding professional networks, and adding new streams of income. And of course, there is merit and value to participating in all these activities. However, today’s world seems to actively endorse this approach and prompt people to keep pushing even when they have everything they once wanted. Just look at how many people have the money, the houses, the cars, the looks, the image, and they still feel anxious, stressed, and depressed. Constantly pushing for more. It begs the question: why?
When you step back and observe what’s happening, it looks like for many the purpose of the hustle is not really the fruits of the hustle, but rather the hustle itself. If it were about the results of the hustle, many should be happy and content. But they’re not. So we get back to the question: Why not?
It’s important to understand people are intelligent. Everything we do serves some purpose for us. This doesn’t mean we are always efficient with our decisions, but everything we do has some function. In order to appreciate why someone would “love the hustle,” all one needs to do is look at how psychological fawning or “fixing” works. A biologically wired reaction to high anxiety, fawning refers to our tendency to try to anxiously “fix” the source of what is causing us anxiety. Usually starting in childhood, when a child is very anxious and does not feel safe in their environment, one of the ways it tries to cope is to compulsively “hustle” to try to “fix” what’s wrong. Maybe this means comforting an aggressive parent. Consoling an anxious caregiver. Trying to broker peace. Or possibly all three.
Over time, the hustling-to-fix child gets used to this process and learns that this is who they are. The hustle becomes so ingrained in them that it actually becomes a part of their identity. Except, it’s actually just a defense mechanism to feel okay. When anxious, they fix. When there is a problem, they fix. When something is wrong, they fix. Gradually, the hustle to fix no longer serves as a defense mechanism in anxious times per se. Instead, now it becomes a way of life. The default standard operating procedure. It’s what gives the now-adult meaning and purpose in life. To hustle. To fix. To resolve.
Naturally, this leads many chronic fixers to unconsciously be drawn to problems and projects even in relationships. Since fixing is what gives the anxious-fixer meaning, then it follows that unconsciously the most expedient way to feel more important and useful is to be in relationships, amidst crowds, and among groups of people in situations that are dramatic, intense, and require work. In other words, chronic fixers are subconsciously drawn to difficult, challenging people. They find them “attractive.” It’s important to understand the fixer does not actually find the “project” person or situation attractive, but rather they subconsciously see the opportunity to fix as the ultimate prize. After all, more problems means more opportunities to fix. And more fixing means more personal worth.
Without realizing it, chronic fixers become addicted to problems. Problems are their lifeblood. Whether it’s in work, or personal relationships. Without problems, they have nothing. Without problems, they feel like they are nothing. So they might even start manufacturing problems just so they have something to fix. This is famously known as “self-sabotage.”
Anxious-fixers might do various things in relationships to create more work for themselves, and chances to fix. Here are 3 hallmark ways an anxious-fixer often goes about relationships with “projects.” One, they might overthink and overanalyze things about the other person to try to achieve a sense of control over something they are actually powerless over. For example, a fixer might overlook abusive or neglectful behavior and come up with elaborate explanations to justify the person’s behavior. They might say something like, “Oh, they had a tough childhood! It’s okay, I’m going to be there for them because they need me. I know they don’t mean to hurt me. That’s what you do for someone you love.” Two, a fixer is likely to argue excessively and over-explain themselves to get the other person to “shape up.” They conveniently assume the reason the other person is “misbehaving” (or not doing what they want) is they didn’t explain themselves well enough. The fixer often thinks, “If they truly hear me out and understand where I’m coming from, they’re going to see that I actually do make sense, and change their ways to do what I want them to do.” And three, fixers are very likely to scramble to accommodate the other person, thinking that if they just agree and do everything the other person says, everything will be fine. After all, a fixer might secretly tell themselves, “I know they love me. I can inspire them to change. When they see how well I listen and treat them, they will finally feel heard and come around. They’re smart. They’re going to realize how good I am to them, and reciprocate in kind. They have to. It’s karma!”
Without realizing it, chronic fixers are often stuck in a dance that knows no end. Unfortunately, they usually end up anxiously running themselves through the ground. They are often unwitting to the fact that they are unconsciously drawn to the “hustle” to fix in relationships because that is what they do. That is where they have learned their value comes from. What started as an innocent defense mechanism to ward off anxiety in the milieu as a child has now morphed into an identity, a purpose, a way of life, reinforced by the endless pursuit of problems, projects, and toxic interactions. Anxious fixers are not bad people. They are incredibly hurt, and innocently oblivious to their own worth and value as people. When someone sacrifices themselves, their dignity, and their self-respect to “fix” another, something is wrong.
The good news is there’s hope. When an anxious-fixer really gets to the bottom of their fixing tendencies, and addresses the root causes of their patterns, they will start to see things very differently. They will begin to understand that they were walking in the dark before, and that they deserve so much better in life. When an individual appreciates the true extent of their worth and value as a person, they will no longer volunteer to be around draining, taxing, and exhausting people or relationship dynamics. Let alone try to fix them. Where once they felt a pull towards “projects,” they will now begin to feel repulsion. What once looked “sexy,” now looks messy. What once felt “rapturous,” now feels strenuous. Because the whole idea of working for love, respect, kindness, and understanding starts to sound rightfully silly.
You have always deserved to be treated with dignity and respect. Sans the hustle.
The only difference: Now you know.
