relationships Archives - West LA Psychologist

Love and hate are an interesting duo. Love is a powerful concept we are all drawn to.  It makes us belong and feel whole. It gives us the sense we are complete. And have everything we need.  When in a state of love, everything seems beautiful because deep down we are seeing ourselves as beautiful.  As creatures of projections, the truth is that what we see in others is not merely a reflection of them, but also a glimpse into us.  We see in others what we see in ourselves.  That’s why when we are in a feeling of “love” or “utter bliss,” it’s so easy for us to give to others.  Our giving is emanating from a core that feels it has been given to so bountifully.  Once there, it’s only natural that we want to give back in a very real way.

When we think of love, many of us are quick to contrast it with hate.  We think the two are fundamentally different because they seem to lead us to noticeably different places.  After all, one makes us feel good about who we are, while the other really bad.  One brings out the best in us, whereas the other the worst.  One makes us feel cherished and cared for, the other small and insignificant.

However, love and hate are not so different.  At the core, hate is not what it looks like. Hate is not about hurting others, it’s not about bringing down others, and it’s not about trying to overpower others because we think “they deserve it.”  It’s about us, and what we’re trying to communicate, but appear to have difficulty doing in the heat-of-the-moment.  Hate is our defense in times of passion, an expression of our own frustration in not being able to face what we really feel inside. What we’re usually looking for: connection.

In our reactivity, we’re really trying to reconnect with ourselves and that who we say we hate.  We might be feeling hurt, frustrated, or scared by what they’ve said or done, but deep down we just want to be acknowledged.  We want to feel a part of.  We want to feel like we matter.  Inside, we are so moved by them, we care so much about them, that how they treat us influences us in a striking way.  We want things to work out, we want there to be peace, we want there to be harmony.  Yet, on some level we also know that to really get there, we will have to take that risk of showing who we are.  We will have to admit that we have been affected by them, and that they matter to us.  Often getting in touch with this part of ourselves can make us feel so uncomfortable and overwhelmed that usually we prefer to retort by putting our walls up with our fingers drawn pointed out.

Interestingly, hate tricks us into resisting that with which we actually want to connect.  The desire to connect is so strong, and the associated fear of getting hurt so strong, that when the two are at odds we feel torn. The feelings get so emotionally raw that it makes us uneasy.  We want, but we are also afraid to want. So we respond by trying to push away whatever it is that’s making us feel this way.  It’s not the people we’re pushing away, it’s what they stir up in us, the discomfort they evoke in us that we’re trying to cast away.  All the while, the reality is the more we resist them, the more we probably want them. The more we try to erase them, the more we probably want to remember them.  The more we push them away, the more we probably want them to stay.

The more we understand who we are, what we want, and where we want to go, the more love and hate cease to exist as separate, and the more they become one.  Simply, a desire to bond.  It’s easy to be honest about how we feel when things are going well, when we feel an abundance of love, appreciation, and acceptance.  At the same time, it’s interesting to think about what this world would be like if every time we experience hate or find ourselves pushing others away, we were to go a little deeper, and get in touch with what we might be really trying to say. Namely, “I’m drawn to you. I want to get close to you.  But I’m too scared to make myself vulnerable and share this with you because I don’t know what will  happen.  I’m scared you might not want me the way I want you, or the way I want you to want me.  I’m scared you might not accept me, and you might even use what I say against me.  I’m too scared to admit you affect me, you influence me, you have power over me.  I’m so afraid of you finding out how I really feel about you that I’m going to try to throw you (and myself) off.  I’m going to strike you, judge you, and blame you to push you away.  I want to push you away because seeing you reminds me of the feelings I have that I’m not ready to deal with.  One day, I might gather the courage to access and even share these feelings with you, but right now I’m too scared.  Scared I might get hurt. In the meantime, I’ll keep focusing on you, and pushing you away so I don’t have to face my vulnerability.”

Love and hate are two sides of the same coin.  Both are strong, charged, passionate responses to our deep care and desire to adjoin.  Love is more honest, while hate more reactive.  Love is more genuine, whereas hate more defensive.  Love conveys a wish to get close, whilst hate a fear of getting close.

Not just to others, but perhaps, more importantly, to ourselves as well.

Often we’re told selfish is bad.  It’s disrespectful, shameful, and wrong. But we are all selfish.  Every one of us.  We act to serve ourselves.  We eat what tastes good to us, befriend those who understand us, and do what brings happiness to us.

However, true selfishness takes courage.  Being honest about who you are, what you want, and what you are willing to do to get it are important aspects of selfishness. Selfishness is about knowing yourself, getting in touch with yourself, and realizing that you are worth it.

You deserve a shot. You are good enough.

And that’s why being truly selfish can be scary. It’s about taking risk.  The risk of stepping into the unknown, the risk of seeing something anew, the risk of trying something new. There’s also the risk of being different, the risk of standing out, the risk that people might not accept you.  Many of us live according to the expectations of others, so much so that over time we forget who we really are.  Being truly selfish is about understanding yourself, understanding others, and being able to distinguish between the two.

Society constantly tells us what we “should” want.  We should want the latest phones, clothes, and cars.  We should want fame, fortune, and power.  And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting any of these, the truth is many of us pursue these things not because we want them, but because we think that by having them others will like and accept us more.  Unfortunate in a culture replete with such distractions, the line between “I” and “other” can get easily blurred.  Thus, the quest for true selfishness not only takes diligence, but bravery in being able to separate what I want, versus what they want.

It’s only after you have given to yourself more wholly and completely that you can truly give to another person .  You can only give as much as you have.  To truly give selflessly, you must be coming from a solid, self-loving place.  You have to love yourself, care for yourself, and be happy with who you are.  To get there, you have to care enough about yourself to go for what you truly want, to get your needs met.  You must be selfish.  Otherwise, what you call “giving” is not so much giving as much as it might be more a way to get approval or control others.  When giving, the less their reaction affects you, the more selfless a place you are giving from.  Therefore, you must first be truly selfish to be truly selfless.

So why do people sometimes accuse one another of being selfish, as if being selfish is bad?  Well, it seems as though when we accuse others of being selfish, we really mean arrogant, conceited, or self-absorbed.  Ironically, people who come off as arrogant, conceited, or self-absorbed actually have very low opinions of themselves, they have little self-worth. Contrary to popular belief, they are not selfish at all.  They have not cared for themselves to get their core needs met.  They compensate for their lack of self-worth by pretending to be something they are not. They are only presenting a facade to cover up how badly they feel inside. Conversely, people who are selfish do have self-worth, they do value themselves, and they do care for themselves in going for what is important to them. Selfish people are less likely to become arrogant, conceited, or self-absorbed because they are focused on getting their needs met in a meaningful way.

In addition, we tend to forget that when people make such vehement claims, they are really making a statement about themselves.  They are unsettled, uncomfortable by the sight of a person being different.  They probably feel threatened.  Deep down, they are likely thinking, “By seeing you act in your own individual way, I’m feeling uneasy about myself.   This difference in opinion, stance, point of view makes me feel insecure and unsure of myself.  I’m afraid your position might have some validity that I have not considered.  I’m afraid to entertain this thought because it may mean that I’m wrong or my understanding is incomplete.  I’m too scared to admit this because it’s too overwhelming.  Instead of seeing this for what it is, I’m going to focus my attention on you, blame you, and put you down.  It’s so much easier to point at you than to look at my own vulnerability and fallibility, to admit I might be wrong or missing something.”

Being selfish means caring for yourself.  It means loving yourself, and valuing yourself enough to be the person you want to be.  Selfish people are aware, they are real, and they are kind.  They muster up the courage to be who they want to be, and respect others for who they want to be.

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Love and Hate: What Are You Really Trying to Say?

The Importance of Being Selfish

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