Healing your attachment style is a powerful way to transform your relationships. Rooted in Attachment Theory developed by psychologist Dr. John Bowlby in 1958, our attachment styles can be thought of as our pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving with people in relationships, with ourselves, and the world around us. It is shaped in childhood, and often has lasting effects throughout our lifespan. In this post, I will outline the 4 different attachment styles that exist, where they come from, how they manifest in adulthood, and how you can begin healing your attachment style today if you’d like.
1. Secure attachment style. When children grow up in an emotionally and psychologically stable, safe, and secure environment, where their feelings are heard, thoughts are acknowledged, and experiences are validated, they feel good. They learn to trust themselves, view other people as safe and reliable, and perceive the world as a positive place. Accordingly, they develop healthy self-esteem, good communication skills, appropriate boundaries, and they feel comfortable expressing their needs in a kind, compassionate, and respectful manner. These people are “social warriors.” They feel deserving enough to be their authentic selves, interact confidently and caringly with other people, and they enjoy lifting people up because they genuinely care about them. For these people, relationships and closeness feel good. They look forward to the safety, security, and support relationships can bring, and live more calmly than do people with other attachment styles. When interpersonal problems arise, they can read other peoples’ emotions well, and communicate kindly without losing sight of their value and worth in the process, without bringing themselves down. Secure attachment style is truly the basis for healthy relationships.
2. Anxious attachment style (insecure). When kids are raised in an emotionally volatile setting, where their caregivers are inconsistent in their care, where feelings are frequently neglected, thoughts are usually denied, and experiences are often invalidated, it can be very frustrating and hurtful for them. This type of inconsistency and mental unpredictability can be very scary for the child, and engender tremendous fear and anxiety within them. As such, people with anxious attachment style are likely to carry this anxiety in their relationships throughout their lifespan if left unchecked. They are operating from a place of fearing abandonment. Unfortunately, they are constantly anxious, do not feel deserving, struggle to communicate their needs, have difficulty upholding boundaries, and often settle for less-than-desirable conditions. To them, any relationship is better than no relationship, so they may become especially vulnerable to tolerating relationships where their needs are not getting met. Because this is what is familiar to them. Deep down, they think to themselves, “At least I have someone. And that’s enough.”
3. Dismissive-avoidant attachment style (insecure). Similar to conditions that create the above insecure attachment style, in the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, the person learns that people are not safe, closeness is inappropriate, and relationships are not reliable. They are operating from a place of wanting to avoid closeness. People with dismissive-avoidant attachment style struggle to recognize their feelings, have trouble identifying their emotional needs, and often put high emphasis on independence and self-reliance. Communication about their vulnerability and feelings, and personal accountability are usually not very common for them. It is not because they are bad people, however. They are unconsciously scared to get close to people, so their minds tend to, unbeknownst to them, dismiss their feelings, and adopt mechanisms to make sure people stay at a distance. Their core dialogue may be something like, “Intimacy is not safe, so I’ll focus on everything else.”
4. Fearful-avoidant attachment style (insecure). Also arising from insecure conditions described above, the fearful-avoidant attachment style gets a little tricky. This can be thought of as a combination of both anxious attachment style and dismissive-avoidant attachment style together. In this attachment style, the person consciously wants and desires closeness in relationships, but is simultaneously fearful of it as well. People with fearful-avoidant attachment style can actually be very kind, confident, and even charismatic on the outside, but their anxiety, self-doubt, and low self-esteem makes them scared to get too close. It is the classic “push-pull” dynamic, wherein they will come close, but once it is too close they immediately retreat or move away. Again, they are not doing this maliciously or even consciously. It is simply their mind’s way of ensuring that people don’t get too close to them, as “closeness” signals pain, hurt, and rejection. Often people with fearful-avoidant attachment style may accomplish a lot, and look great on the outside, but it is usually emanating from a place where they feel undeserving, are constantly trying to prove to themselves and others that they are lovable, and persistently seeking external validation to feel worthy. The underlying belief can be along the lines of, “I want to get close, but I don’t deserve it. Maybe if I make more money, get thinner, and look more attractive, I will be deserving.” But the cycle never ends.
The good news is that healing your attachment style is definitely possible, and it can literally change the qualities of your relationships in a very short period of time. The more open, receptive, and motivated you are to heal, the faster and more powerfully this process can go and the sooner you can be on your way to experiencing better, higher quality relationships. Here are some tips that can help anyone with an insecure attachment style begin to lean more towards greater secure attachment.
1. Identify your attachment style. This is probably one of the most important steps in healing your attachment style. The reason it is so critical is because sometimes misdiagnosing your attachment style can lead you down the wrong path. However, get your attachment style right, and you can get to where you want much more efficiently. For example, some people may experience intense anxiety in relationships. At first glance, some may automatically assume that this is an anxious attachment style. While this may be true, further examination might actually reveal that it is actually not an anxious attachment style, but rather a dismissive-avoidant or even fearful-avoidant attachment style. Both of these avoidant attachment styles can also contain massive amounts of anxiety. When we look at the person in their whole context, it is easier to identify the attachment style accurately.
2. Start tracing how the attachment style has played out. Once you have identified your attachment style accurately, start looking at how it has shaped your experiences in your relationships. Do you notice any patterns? Any similarities in thought processes? Is there a theme to your narratives? Is there a common flavor to the way you have behaved? If you have an anxious attachment style, perhaps you find yourself thinking people will leave you, and thus compromise your sense of self, sometimes staying in unfavorable relationships where you are not seen or heard just to save the relationship. If you have a dismissive attachment style, maybe you tend to find yourself thinking people are getting too close, that they’re being too much, and pulling away from them without really addressing it. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, it’s possible that sometimes you find yourself liking certain people quickly, then suddenly losing interest out of nowhere and becoming overly negative. This can be a very eye-opening experience. Identifying patterns in thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors can begin to unlock lifelong mysteries in your relationships, and open up the path for you to start seeing what you are truly capable of.
3. Create a plan to counteract and challenge the way you have been living. After you have identified your attachment style, have begun to notice how it has shaped your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships, you are ready to start doing life differently. Start small. Make baby steps for yourself. If you have an anxious attachment style, this might mean start saying “No” to little things you would have routinely let slide. If you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, consider looking at how someone made you feel and communicate it with them instead of ignoring it and pretending everything is fine. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, consider taking things in relationships a little slower to allow for gradual momentum to build at a healthier pace that feels comfortable for you. Slowing down can also prevents sudden rushes to judgment. .
4. Prepare for a new life with amazing relationships. As you embark on this path to healing your attachment style, remember that you are worthy, lovable, and deserving of having amazing relationships, with others and yourself. Just because life dealt you a tough hand emotionally and psychologically at the beginning, it doesn’t mean you have to suffer for the rest of your life. Our caregivers had limitations just like us, but we don’t have to continue in their footsteps. They did the best they could, and now it is up to us to rise up, change direction, and soar to new heights. For ourselves. For our children. And for all the people who will be inspired by our kindness and light wherever we go.
If you need help healing your attachment style and elevating your relationships, feel free to call or email today for a free phone consultation.