There are various ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. In this post, I will discuss 5 common ones. Some of these patterns are subtle, while others are more obvious. It is important to note that people with insecure attachment styles generally employ these and other distancing mechanisms from an unconscious place. That is, they usually are not even aware that they are doing it. It’s not intentional. Given their traumatic pasts, this has become part of their unconscious defense system to create distance, avoid vulnerability, and prevent emotional closeness. Often, they will not take accountability for these things either because they can’t even see that they are doing it. Their lack of accountability, however, does not reflect a direct intention to hurt others, but rather an unconscious objective to create distance because they do not feel safe or possibly deserving of close connection or intimacy due to past unresolved abuse that has mentally and emotionally overwhelmed them.
1. Mixed messages. This is one of the most classic ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. They give contradictory messages. Imagine someone gives you romantic overtures, then says they “just want to be friends.” Someone tells you they love and care for you, then yell at you for saying the wrong thing. Someone asks you where you want to go, you tell them, then they go wherever they want without acknowledging or simply minimizing your desire. It can be viewed as a form of unintentional manipulation or “gaslighting.” You may start feeling confused, doubting your perceptions, second-guessing whether what you just experienced is real, and be left scratching your head, wondering what in the world just happened. You may feel like you’re going crazy. In reality, you are not. Perhaps you didn’t even do anything wrong. Maybe you even did something right. Alas, this is their unconscious way of creating distance because they cannot handle emotional closeness.
2. Chronic negativity. This is perhaps one of the more subtle and insidious ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. By maintaining a pessimistic, angry, and cynical attitude on a somewhat regular or routine basis, people with insecure attachment styles can unconsciously do this to generate distance. The constant focus on negativity, what’s wrong, and what could go wrong is meant to push others away, while preventing themselves from getting close to other people as well. In addition, they may unconsciously experience chronic anxiety, persistent worry, and even unconsciously manufacture a false sense urgency for things that are not really that urgent. If it seems irrational, that’s because it probably is. Again, the unconscious need here is to keep people at bay and them away from people because closeness has perhaps historically signaled intense pain and misery for them.
3. Lack of communication. Sometimes people have trouble communicating with each other. That’s okay. That can happen. But when a person persistently struggles to communicate their thoughts and feelings when they are capable of doing so, or is communicating fluidly followed by a sudden, unexpected drop-off in communication, something is off. You might start wondering if you said something wrong, try to reach out to clear a possible misunderstanding, but they suddenly go “off the grid.” Silent. Aloof. Distanced. It almost feels like they don’t care anymore or are uninterested in you. In reality, things may have gotten too close for their comfort, and they needed to pull back to protect themselves. It’s possible you didn’t do anything wrong. They just needed some space, but you wouldn’t know because they didn’t communicate it to you. If you bring it up in the moment, they may even deflect and blame you for being “too needy” or crowding their space. Again, this is an unconscious mechanism meant to push people away, to keep them away from intimate closeness.
4. Sudden explosions. Imagine things are going well, the conversation is going normally, when suddenly the person bursts out with unexpected anger in a manner that is both disproportionate to the circumstance and feels out of place. We all have bad days from time to time, but if this is happening on a semi-regular or routine basis, it could be the person’s insecure attachment style getting activated. When this happens, they are unconsciously driven to push people away because things got too close and that frightens them. The emotional volatility can be difficult to endure. And that’s probably why it’s there. To push away closeness and keep people away.
5. Push-pull dynamic. This is likely one of the more popular ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships. Imagine getting close to someone, and when things get really close, the person almost instinctively pushes you away. They withdraw. After they feel regulated by adequate distance, they apply pressure to pull you back in. This pushiness can feel confusing and overwhelming. All the while, the dearth of communication about what is going on can make this more painful for the other. In all likelihood, the person cannot even explain it themselves, either. Their reasoning for suddenly pulling away doesn’t necessarily make sense. They might claim, “I got busy.” It can lead to the other side feeling like they got “emotional whiplash.” The reason? To keep the person away from getting too close.
While we are all human and can engage in any of the above mechanisms for different reasons, the ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships is noteworthy. They often engage in the above on a fairly regular basis on an unconscious level when things get close to sabotage the possibility of emotional closeness from occurring. It is their default response in reaction to painful, unresolved traumatic incidents from their pasts. They are not doing it because they are bad people. They are doing it because they are scared. It can feel very frustrating to be on the receiving end of these mechanisms, especially when you care for and love them and they don’t seem to be able to see that. Learning how to engage and interact with people who employ these unconscious distancing patterns can be a task, but it is possible. By understanding your own attachment style, it can be easier to learn how to navigate the above distancing mechanisms in a manner that embodies grace, kindness, and respect. Key to this? Understanding that it’s not personal. It’s not your fault. You didn’t cause them to do this.
If you struggle with any of the above and want compassionate help overcoming the pattern, or you are interested in learning how to handle the ways insecure attachment styles create distance in relationships with clarity and confidence, feel free to call or email for a free phone consultation.