avoidant attachment style Archives - West LA Psychologist

Modern society promotes avoidant attachment in various ways. Avoidant attachment style refers to a marked pattern of avoiding emotional closeness and resisting vulnerability in relationships. Often stemming from traumatic upbringings where children did not receive consistent and reliable warmth, love, and security, where feelings were not seen or heard, avoidant attachment style can be reinforced by the environment as well. Sadly, if you have learned that your thoughts, feelings, and emotional experiences don’t really matter, why would you pay attention to them? If you are used to getting rejected for who you are, what you think, or how you feel, why would you want to get close to people ? As a result, people with avoidant attachment style tend to romanticize independence, self-reliance, achievement, and the endless pursuit of all things perfection. All as an unconscious way to avoid closeness and intimate human connection.

One of the most obvious ways modern society promotes avoidant attachment is through the highly digitized world we live in today. With phones, tablet, and computers running so many operations, the “need” for human resources seems to be fading. Why call someone on the phone when you can just text them? Why meet up when you can FaceTime? Why approach someone in person to ask them out, when you can just text through an online dating app? Why hire a human, when a robot will do it for less? While there is value to the use of the above devices, the obsession towards more technology in today’s society is making it easier for people to not engage, and socially acceptable to maintain distance from each other. This dynamic is inadvertently reinforcing us to not get too close to people.

Another way society promotes avoidant attachment is through mass messaging in both fashion and modeling industries that: stoicism is attractive. Have you noticed magazines and billboards tend to show models who lack emotional expression on their faces? Inadvertently, they are saying that if you want to be sexy and attractive, don’t show emotion. Be serious. Act like you don’t care. And that is exactly how many are conditioned to think. While it is not necessary to walk around smiling all the time, many of us have come to believe that the cold look is especially valuable and beautiful. As a society, we are being taught to think that being handsome and pretty means to appear aloof. Usually, smiling and positive expressions invite connection and closeness. Seriousness and cold looks discourage them. And yet, the latter is what modern society is touting on a grand scale.

Movies, TV shows, and songs send avoidant messages, too. How many times have you watched films and television programs that romanticize drama and glorify toxic behaviors? Songs that depict the wistful longing for lost loves who are emotionally unavailable or simply uninterested in them? When you look at the patterns, they are very telling. Enjoying entertainment is a very reasonable and understandable thing. However, the fact that these outlets are so influential means we have to be especially mindful of what we are consuming. When it becomes cool and popular to chase people who are unavailable, control and manipulate others in an arrogant and prideful way, ignore others when they are in emotional turmoil, and do things associated with low self-esteem and self-worth, there is a clear message being sent: it is not good to take care of ourselves, or safe to get emotionally close to other people. These are classic avoidant attachment signs. Inherently, these messages teach us to keep emotional distance, and stay away from emotional intimacy. Sadly, this message gets conveyed in multitudinous ways across different platforms all the time. The lesson? Don’t trust people, move away from them, and focus on the people you can’t have. All these are essentially teaching us that relationships are unsafe, a recipe for heartache, and that it is best to stay away and avoid them.

There is another widely influential industry that in society promotes avoidant attachment as well: health and wellness. When most people think of going to the gym, they think of doing things to get healthy and be fit. What many forget is that the industry is an industry. And it rakes in billions of dollars a year. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy and staying in shape, or with making money, the problem is that the industry has managed to convince millions of people worldwide that their bodies are what give them their value, not who they are as individuals. The push for body perfection, more muscles, less fat, and smaller waistlines is conveying to people that they are only as valuable as they look. And by the way, the standards of “that look” have been prescribed and predetermined by people who don’t even know you. What’s more, interestingly, people at gyms generally don’t talk to each other, either. There is often a serious and focused vibe in gyms, where people are zoned in on their own workout regimens and not interested in talking with other people. Social interaction is generally minimal, and if you show too much emotion, you just might stick out. Furthermore, it is simply not part of the zeitgeist for people to communicate freely and be their authentic selves in these settings. The irony? A swath of people congregate together — all alone.

Finally, the general obsession with being obsessed in today’s society promotes avoidant attachment. Whether it’s with work, achievement, image, looks, materials, or money, the constant focus on “doing” rather than “being” creates an environment where the human aspect of living is often overlooked and generally minimized. In a time where “working hard” is worn like a badge of honor, “being the best” is lauded as the desirable standard, and “having dominance” is the main goal, it is difficult for people to just be regular people. As long as we are occupied and our minds are distracted with things that are not true priorities, we run the risk of living very lonely, emotionally distant lives. And unfortunately, that is how many people today live. Lonely, confused, and unsure. “I worked so hard, I made all this money, I look great, I have all this stuff, I did what society told me to do! And yet, something is still missing” mindset. What’s missing in this equation is genuine and authentic connection. To oneself. And to meaningful others.

We live in a very amazing time in history. With advancements, developments, and breakthroughs happening in almost every sector of society daily, we can do things today more efficiently than any of our predecessors could. At the same time, in the face of these accomplishments, there also seems to be a push towards disconnection. If relationships feel challenging to you today, you are not crazy. They have become challenging. And it’s not just because of the way we were raised. A lot of it has to do with the way we are currently being raised by our world, too. The reality is that modern society promotes avoidant attachment in very real ways, prompting us to run away from connection. Sometimes they are subtle, and other times very much in your face. All you have to do is open your eyes and see. While there is nothing inherently wrong with enhanced technology, having a healthy sense of fashion, wanting to look good, appreciating entertainment, being healthy and fit, or working hard, the problem is when we worship these avenues blindly and immerse ourselves in them while forgetting the purpose of it all to begin with. There is a time and a place for everything. Know what’s happening, and notice that when you do, you are actually less likely to fall prey to the influence. Be alert. Be mindful. Be yourself. Ultimately, the goal is to connect. To be. To exist. With ourselves. With others. And with the world around us.

When you do, you will be the richest person in the world.

Healing your attachment style is a powerful way to transform your relationships. Rooted in Attachment Theory developed by psychologist Dr. John Bowlby in 1958, our attachment styles can be thought of as our pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving with people in relationships, with ourselves, and the world around us. It is shaped in childhood, and often has lasting effects throughout our lifespan. In this post, I will outline the 4 different attachment styles that exist, where they come from, how they manifest in adulthood, and how you can begin healing your attachment style today if you’d like.

1. Secure attachment style. When children grow up in an emotionally and psychologically stable, safe, and secure environment, where their feelings are heard, thoughts are acknowledged, and experiences are validated, they feel good. They learn to trust themselves, view other people as safe and reliable, and perceive the world as a positive place. Accordingly, they develop healthy self-esteem, good communication skills, appropriate boundaries, and they feel comfortable expressing their needs in a kind, compassionate, and respectful manner. These people are “social warriors.” They feel deserving enough to be their authentic selves, interact confidently and caringly with other people, and they enjoy lifting people up because they genuinely care about them. For these people, relationships and closeness feel good. They look forward to the safety, security, and support relationships can bring, and live more calmly than do people with other attachment styles. When interpersonal problems arise, they can read other peoples’ emotions well, and communicate kindly without losing sight of their value and worth in the process, without bringing themselves down. Secure attachment style is truly the basis for healthy relationships.

2. Anxious attachment style (insecure). When kids are raised in an emotionally volatile setting, where their caregivers are inconsistent in their care, where feelings are frequently neglected, thoughts are usually denied, and experiences are often invalidated, it can be very frustrating and hurtful for them. This type of inconsistency and mental unpredictability can be very scary for the child, and engender tremendous fear and anxiety within them. As such, people with anxious attachment style are likely to carry this anxiety in their relationships throughout their lifespan if left unchecked. They are operating from a place of fearing abandonment. Unfortunately, they are constantly anxious, do not feel deserving, struggle to communicate their needs, have difficulty upholding boundaries, and often settle for less-than-desirable conditions. To them, any relationship is better than no relationship, so they may become especially vulnerable to tolerating relationships where their needs are not getting met. Because this is what is familiar to them. Deep down, they think to themselves, “At least I have someone. And that’s enough.”

3. Dismissive-avoidant attachment style (insecure). Similar to conditions that create the above insecure attachment style, in the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, the person learns that people are not safe, closeness is inappropriate, and relationships are not reliable. They are operating from a place of wanting to avoid closeness. People with dismissive-avoidant attachment style struggle to recognize their feelings, have trouble identifying their emotional needs, and often put high emphasis on independence and self-reliance. Communication about their vulnerability and feelings, and personal accountability are usually not very common for them. It is not because they are bad people, however. They are unconsciously scared to get close to people, so their minds tend to, unbeknownst to them, dismiss their feelings, and adopt mechanisms to make sure people stay at a distance. Their core dialogue may be something like, “Intimacy is not safe, so I’ll focus on everything else.”

4. Fearful-avoidant attachment style (insecure). Also arising from insecure conditions described above, the fearful-avoidant attachment style gets a little tricky. This can be thought of as a combination of both anxious attachment style and dismissive-avoidant attachment style together. In this attachment style, the person consciously wants and desires closeness in relationships, but is simultaneously fearful of it as well. People with fearful-avoidant attachment style can actually be very kind, confident, and even charismatic on the outside, but their anxiety, self-doubt, and low self-esteem makes them scared to get too close. It is the classic “push-pull” dynamic, wherein they will come close, but once it is too close they immediately retreat or move away. Again, they are not doing this maliciously or even consciously. It is simply their mind’s way of ensuring that people don’t get too close to them, as “closeness” signals pain, hurt, and rejection. Often people with fearful-avoidant attachment style may accomplish a lot, and look great on the outside, but it is usually emanating from a place where they feel undeserving, are constantly trying to prove to themselves and others that they are lovable, and persistently seeking external validation to feel worthy. The underlying belief can be along the lines of, “I want to get close, but I don’t deserve it. Maybe if I make more money, get thinner, and look more attractive, I will be deserving.” But the cycle never ends.

The good news is that healing your attachment style is definitely possible, and it can literally change the qualities of your relationships in a very short period of time. The more open, receptive, and motivated you are to heal, the faster and more powerfully this process can go and the sooner you can be on your way to experiencing better, higher quality relationships. Here are some tips that can help anyone with an insecure attachment style begin to lean more towards greater secure attachment.

1. Identify your attachment style. This is probably one of the most important steps in healing your attachment style. The reason it is so critical is because sometimes misdiagnosing your attachment style can lead you down the wrong path. However, get your attachment style right, and you can get to where you want much more efficiently. For example, some people may experience intense anxiety in relationships. At first glance, some may automatically assume that this is an anxious attachment style. While this may be true, further examination might actually reveal that it is actually not an anxious attachment style, but rather a dismissive-avoidant or even fearful-avoidant attachment style. Both of these avoidant attachment styles can also contain massive amounts of anxiety. When we look at the person in their whole context, it is easier to identify the attachment style accurately.

2. Start tracing how the attachment style has played out. Once you have identified your attachment style accurately, start looking at how it has shaped your experiences in your relationships. Do you notice any patterns? Any similarities in thought processes? Is there a theme to your narratives? Is there a common flavor to the way you have behaved? If you have an anxious attachment style, perhaps you find yourself thinking people will leave you, and thus compromise your sense of self, sometimes staying in unfavorable relationships where you are not seen or heard just to save the relationship. If you have a dismissive attachment style, maybe you tend to find yourself thinking people are getting too close, that they’re being too much, and pulling away from them without really addressing it. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, it’s possible that sometimes you find yourself liking certain people quickly, then suddenly losing interest out of nowhere and becoming overly negative. This can be a very eye-opening experience. Identifying patterns in thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors can begin to unlock lifelong mysteries in your relationships, and open up the path for you to start seeing what you are truly capable of.

3. Create a plan to counteract and challenge the way you have been living. After you have identified your attachment style, have begun to notice how it has shaped your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships, you are ready to start doing life differently. Start small. Make baby steps for yourself. If you have an anxious attachment style, this might mean start saying “No” to little things you would have routinely let slide. If you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, consider looking at how someone made you feel and communicate it with them instead of ignoring it and pretending everything is fine. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, consider taking things in relationships a little slower to allow for gradual momentum to build at a healthier pace that feels comfortable for you. Slowing down can also prevents sudden rushes to judgment. .

4. Prepare for a new life with amazing relationships. As you embark on this path to healing your attachment style, remember that you are worthy, lovable, and deserving of having amazing relationships, with others and yourself. Just because life dealt you a tough hand emotionally and psychologically at the beginning, it doesn’t mean you have to suffer for the rest of your life. Our caregivers had limitations just like us, but we don’t have to continue in their footsteps. They did the best they could, and now it is up to us to rise up, change direction, and soar to new heights. For ourselves. For our children. And for all the people who will be inspired by our kindness and light wherever we go.

If you need help healing your attachment style and elevating your relationships, feel free to call or email today for a free phone consultation.

How Modern Society Promotes Avoidant Attachment

Healing Your Attachment Style: A Practical Guide

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