anxiety

When Anxiety Prompts Fixing in Relationships

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We’ve all heard of “The Hustle.” Obsessions with career-building, expanding professional networks, and adding new streams of income. There is value and merit to participating in all these activities. However, today’s world seems to actively endorse this approach and prompt people to keep pushing even when they have everything they once wanted. Just look at how many people have the money, the houses, the cars, the looks, the image, and they still feel anxious, stressed, and depressed. Constantly pushing for more. It begs the question: why?

When you step back and observe what’s happening, it looks like for many the purpose of the hustle is not really the fruits of the hustle, but rather the hustle itself. If it were about the results of the hustle, many should be happy and content. But they’re not. So we get back to the question: Why not?

It’s important to understand people are intelligent. Everything we do serves some purpose for us. This doesn’t mean we are always efficient with our decisions, but everything we do has some function. In order to appreciate why someone would “love the hustle,” all one needs to do is look at how psychological fawning or “fixing” works. A biologically wired reaction to high anxiety, fawning refers to our tendency to try to anxiously “fix” the source of what is causing us anxiety. Usually starting in childhood, when a child is very anxious and does not feel safe in their environment, one of the ways it tries to cope is to compulsively “hustle” to try to “fix” what’s wrong. Maybe this means comforting an aggressive parent. Consoling an anxious caregiver. Trying to broker peace. Or possibly all three.

Over time, the hustling-to-fix child gets used to this process and learns that this is who they are. The hustle becomes so ingrained in them that it actually becomes a part of their identity. Except, it’s actually just a defense mechanism to feel okay. When anxious, they fix. When there is a problem, they fix. When something is wrong, they fix. Gradually, the hustle to fix no longer serves as a defense mechanism in anxious times per se. Instead, now it becomes a way of life. The default standard operating procedure. It’s what gives the now-adult meaning and purpose in life. To hustle. To fix. To resolve.

Naturally, this leads many chronic fixers to unconsciously be drawn to problems and projects even in relationships. Since fixing is what gives the anxious-fixer meaning, then unconsciously the most expedient way to feel more important and useful is to be in relationships, amidst crowds, and among groups of people that are dysfunctional, dramatic, and intense. In other words, chronic fixers are subconsciously drawn to difficult, challenging people. They find them “attractive.” It’s important to understand the fixer does not actually find the “project” attractive, but rather they subconsciously view the opportunity to fix as the ultimate prize. After all, more problems means more opportunities to fix. And more fixing means more personal worth.

Without realizing it, chronic fixers become addicted to problems. Problems are their lifeblood. Whether it’s in work, or personal relationships. Without problems, they have nothing. Without problems, they feel like they are nothing. So they might even start manufacturing problems just so they have something to fix. This is famously known as “self-sabotage.”

Anxious-fixers might do various things in relationships to create more work for themselves, and chances to fix. Here are 3 hallmark ways an anxious-fixer often goes about relationships with “projects.” One, they might overthink and overanalyze things about the other person to try to achieve a sense of control over something they are actually powerless over. For example, a fixer might overlook abusive or neglectful behavior and come up with elaborate explanations to justify the person’s behavior. They might say something like, “Oh, they had a tough childhood! It’s okay, I’m going to be there for them because they need me. I know they don’t mean to hurt me. That’s what you do for someone you love.” Two, a fixer is likely to argue excessively and over-explain themselves to get the other person to “shape up.” They conveniently assume the reason the other person is “misbehaving” (or not doing what they want) is they didn’t explain themselves well enough. The fixer often thinks, “If they truly hear me out and understand where I’m coming from, they’re going to see that I actually do make sense, and change their ways to do what I want them to do.” And three, fixers are very likely to scramble to accommodate the other person, thinking that if they just agree and do everything the other person says, everything will be fine. After all, a fixer might secretly tell themselves, “I know they love me. I can inspire them to change. When they see how well I listen and treat them, they will finally feel heard and come around. They’re smart. They’re going to realize how good I am to them, and reciprocate in kind. They have to. It’s karma!”

Without realizing it, chronic fixers are often stuck in a dance that knows no end. Unfortunately, they usually end up anxiously running themselves through the ground. They are often unwitting to the fact that they are unconsciously drawn to the “hustle” to fix in relationships because that is what they do. That is where they have learned their value comes from. What started as an innocent defense mechanism to ward off anxiety in the milieu as a child has now morphed into an identity, a purpose, a way of life, reinforced by the endless pursuit of problems, projects, and toxic interactions. Anxious fixers are not bad people. They are incredibly hurt, and innocently oblivious to their own worth and value as people. When someone sacrifices themselves, their dignity, and their self-respect to “fix” another, something is wrong.

The good news is there’s hope. When an anxious-fixer really gets to the bottom of their fixing tendencies, and addresses the root causes of their patterns, they will start to see things very differently. They will begin to understand that they were walking in the dark before, and that they deserve so much better in life. When an individual appreciates the true extent of their worth and value as a person, they will no longer volunteer to be around draining, taxing, and exhausting people or relationship dynamics. Let alone try to fix them. Where once they felt a pull towards “projects,” they will now begin to feel repulsion. What once looked “sexy,” now looks messy. What once felt “rapturous,” now feels strenuous. Because the whole idea of working for love, respect, kindness, and understanding starts to sound rightfully silly.

You have always deserved to be treated with dignity and respect. Sans the hustle.

The only difference: Now you know.


How Anxiety Drives the Need to Fix and Overachieve

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Modern society is outspoken on the idea of the push, the hustle, and the grind. In fact, it seems like most people engage in it, and don’t even know why they do it. They may tell themselves “it’s to make a good living” or “live comfortably,” but the fact that so many participate in it, get all the things they wanted, and still feel a need to keep pushing hard raises some important questions. What’s really going on here? Where is the finish line? When does it end?

To fully understand what’s going on here, it’s important to look at how psychological fawning works. Fawning is a psychological reaction in times of high anxiety that focuses on pleasing or “fixing” elements of the environment in order to feel okay. It usually starts in childhood and is designed to help a child cope with an anxious and emotionally out-of-control environment. What the child is seeking to do amidst the chaos and disarray is comport and twist themselves in such a way to get the anxiety to go away. Essentially, they try to “fix” whatever is causing them anxiety. Maybe they try to calm a volatile parent. Get the attention of an emotionally neglectful caregiver. Or simply do things to feel important when no one seems to be caring for them. Either way, the child learns here that the goal is to “work” to create the calm, warmth, and security they’re missing. They have to exert themselves to “fix” the situation: to alleviate the parent’s volatility, be noticed by the emotionally unavailable figure, and feel worthy despite the lack of emotional security in the air, respectively. It’s too difficult to admit the shit they’re going through is real. And that perhaps the people around them and the situations they’re in are simply too hard to handle.

What usually happens here is the fixing-child grows up and uses this “fixing” attitude as a default way to handle anxiety. Feeling bad at home? Work harder at school, raise those grades, and get better marks. Maybe then people will love you. Relationships a drag to deal with? Just hustle to achieve and make more money, look better to prove how valuable you are so they will treat you better. Difficulties with the family? Spend more time at work. Maybe if you work hard enough, do more, and make more that feeling will go away. Notice in all these cases, the person’s trying to “fix” their emotions with things like accomplishments, achievement, and external validation, none of which actually provide any meaningful solutions to their underlying angst. The sadness. The loneliness. The pain.

The caveat to this fixing dynamic is that people engaging in it usually don’t know they’re doing it. It’s a very unconscious process. And frequently leads to tremendous suffering for those in it and the people around them. While the fixer may look like they have it all on paper — the titles, the awards, the properties, the cars, the cash, and perhaps even the looks — they are fundamentally living a life run by anxiety. In other words, their fuel is fear. The fear of being still. The fear of not having enough. The fear of not being enough. As a result, they are frequently unsettled. Obsessing. Scheming. For the next fix. Pun intended.

One of the most tragic elements of the chronic fixer is that over time fixing becomes part of their identity. Often without knowing it, the fixer actually thrives off problems. They need problems. And in the absence of them, sometimes they’ll subconsciously manufacture problems just so they can turn around and solve them. To feel accomplished. To feel valuable. To feel like they are doing something good and virtuous. Otherwise, what will they do with themselves? How will they feel worthy? Where do they get their value from? Moreover, a grim, yet glaring reality is that despite what they say, fixers don’t actually want peace and quiet. They can’t stand it. The absence of chaos, drama, and problems secretly makes them feel like they are not important anymore.

While the need to fix has likely led to many advancements in society and helped many acquire the wonderful blessings they have, it is arguably also the very thing that makes it difficult for them to truly enjoy what they’ve acquired as well. Imagine having everything you ever wanted materially. You got the money. The homes. The cars. The people around you. The body. The partner. The kids. But you still feel anxious. Stressed. Depressed. Unfortunately, this is a sad, but common story amongst many overachievers in large metropolitan cities like Los Angeles, Miami, and New York. Needless to say, it’s an exhausting and confusing way to live.

There is good news in all this, though. When a person truly gets to the bottom of their anxious fixing tendencies, and addresses them at the root and core, a beautiful transformation happens. Work becomes work. Relationships become meaningful. And life becomes worth living. Because you are no longer being driven by a fear of what happens if you don’t do this, but rather from a love and joy that will only increase your efficiency. You will do more. With less effort. And actually enjoy the process. Perhaps for the first time. Think about it. If you can do all you’ve done driven by fear and anxiety, imagine what you can do once you remove that and replace it with love, passion, and joy.

You won’t feel a need to fix anymore. Because you’ll see there’s no problem to begin with.

5 Ways People React to Anxiety in Relationships

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Anxiety often serves as a signal that something is wrong. Something is not right. And requires immediate attention. Generally speaking, anxiety ultimately suggests that one does not feel safe in whatever circumstance they are currently in. Perhaps one feels emotionally unseen. Maybe one feels insecure about other peoples’ judgments. Another worries about something bad happening in the future.

People who experience anxiety usually behave in very signature ways. There are distinct patterns in ways people handle anxiety, and much of it is shaped by what they have witnessed growing up in their families and beyond. In fact, it is common for people to mimic behavioral patterns that they have watched on television, movies and social media as well. In this post, I will outline 5 ways people react to anxiety in relationships.

1. Freezing or Being Still. One way people may react to an anxiety-inducing situation is that they will become still and passive. Despite their best efforts to mobilize and say or do what they want, there is an almost spontaneous paralysis that happens where the person may “go blank” and struggle to be themselves in any active manner. Often stemming from an overarching sense of intimidation, the person fears being invalidated and not listened to, prompting them to simply give up. As such, they stew in their anxiety quietly.

2. Fawning or Pleasing. Another way someone might react to an anxiety-arousing circumstance is they will try to please and appease the person who is making them feel anxious. When a person is frightened or overwhelmed by someone’s behavior, and they have nowhere to go, one way to react is to try to “fix” the person’s mood. This could lead to a spontaneous bending over backwards dynamic, where the person learns that if something is not right, they instinctively need to overanalyze the situation, over-explain the solution, and seek to remedy the scenario as quickly as possible to avert further danger and claim safety. Unfortunately, no matter how much the person pleases, tries to “fix” or “solve” perceived problems, nothing is enough. The anxiety persists.

3. Fighting or Aggressing. When a person is in a tight situation with no perceived escape route, it is possible that they will get triggered to get ferocious and cutting as a means to make the danger go away. Here, the person proverbially “sees red” and instinctively adopts a mentality where they feel a need to intimidate the source of the anxiety into backing down. By applying this intense pressure, their aim is to “control” the perceived threat into compliance. Always on the lookout for further threats, the person’s nervous system is on high-alert and can become habitually overactive, wearing them out, while keeping a constant stream of anxiety flowing inside.

4. Flighting or Escaping. Being stuck in an anxious atmosphere for a prolonged period of time can be very taxing on the mind and body. When it goes on for too long, it can prompt an individual to “flee the scene.” This can be a physical flight, but also a mental and emotional one, too. When things get rough and stay rough with no end in sight, sometimes people reflexively might physically run away or fixate on alternative activities to distract themselves. These are where prominent addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, food, work, achievements, money, and shopping begin. By overly focusing on these affairs, the person “conveniently forgets” about things that are actually making them anxious inside. Sadly, it can become a loop, reinforcing their denial of their pain. And the anxiety simply mounts.

5. Being Grounded. A more advanced way to respond to anxiety is to see what is happening, stay level-headed, and make a decision with confidence and security. Perhaps this means the person may be quiet, try to acquiesce, become aggressive, take a break, or even communicate in a manner that invites mutual respect and dignity in the relationship. The difference here is that the person is operating from a more grounded and stable place, where appealing to any of the other reactions is more of a strategic response versus an out-of-control reaction. It’s not about survival anymore. It’s about deliberate, intentional action that comes from a precise audit of what is wrong and what needs to be done. This is where success is truly born.

One of the measures of true wealth in today’s very anxious world is how one reacts to things not going their way. Depending on what the person has seen in their life growing up, or learned from their surroundings, they may be inclined to react to anxiety in any of the above ways, and exploring that could be very valuable. Getting to the solid and grounded state is a powerful place to be, though. Maintaining that in the face of anxiety and disarray is greater than gold.

Imagine someone is being rude, dismissive, disrespectful, aggressive, or otherwise mean to you, and it doesn’t make you lose your shit. Instead, you stay focused, grounded, and calibrated to respond in a way that is both effective and efficient. At that point, you are operating at a level that naturally makes the people around want to meet at a middle ground, leave your presence, or you will minimize time with them. Either way, you are at-peace. Because you realize that you are a human being with self-worth. Who deserves to be treated well.

And you only know this because you are treating yourself well now, too.

Anxiety, Self-Doubt & Overthinking

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The Anxiety Cycle

Anxiety can be annoying.

What’s Going On Inside

It’s that little voice that makes you obsess over what can go wrong, worry about what could happen, and dwell on the idea that doom looms around the corner. Although sometimes visible on the outside, anxiety has a way of showing up on the inside that is undeniable. In fact, sometimes some might look great externally, appear fine on the surface, and present as confident and charismatic on the exterior, but underneath it be wrought with anxiety. What’s gonna’ happen? Is it gonna’ work out? Why won’t it work out? Will they like me? Why won’t they like me? How can I make sure they like me? How can I make sure this outcome happens? How can I guarantee that result? This type of preoccupied thinking is common amongst people with anxiety. And it can apply to relationships, work, health, and other facets of life, too. At the same time, it usually comes with a noticeable dosage of self-doubt and overthinking as well.


The Self-Doubt Trap

While anxiety makes one worry, self-doubt can arguably keep one in that state of worry. Self-doubt refers to constantly second-guessing, questioning, and mistrusting one’s own thoughts, feelings, desires, and actions. When people doubt themselves, it’s difficult to move forward meaningfully. With the paralyzing fear of making a mistake or losing control, there is a loss of confidence in one’s ability to pull the trigger and take a stand. Consequently, it can make it difficult for one to even articulate what one is thinking, feeling, desiring, or wants to do. Because the person is confused. The stuckness can make it challenging to move, or even to make a move. Perhaps this means not getting started on what one really wants to do. Maybe it means slowing down on the right path out of a fear of messing up. Or even being conveniently stuck on a path that’s going at a smooth pace, but in the wrong direction. Understandably, self-doubt can create angst, erode self esteem, and diminish self-worth. It frantically feels like your mind is going a thousand miles an hour, but your body is lagging at twenty.

Overthinking Mode

Naturally, when a person comes to self-doubt for a period of time, it can often lead to overthinking. When one overthinks a situation, he or she replays it in their minds over and over again in hopes of figuring something out. Why did he say that? What did it mean? But what if he’s right? While there is value to reviewing something to try to better understand, or to evaluate to make better decisions, once that process starts creating overwhelm and discomfort, it doesn’t make sense anymore. This is no longer about re-evaluation, but about something else. The obsessive review becomes irrational. Wondering why someone said something or why something happened a certain way is one thing. Trying to nail down all the possibilities of why something turned out one way and not another, or what needs to happen to create a particular outcome is exhausting. Plus, it doesn’t actually help as much as one may think. We don’t have the capability to read another person’s mind, to know why something happened one way versus another, or what is going to happen in the future. It should be okay to not know the exact details of why things are the way they are, or what will happen in the future, but anxious overthinking convinces us we need to know! Now!


Where Does It Come From?

So what gives? What are the root causes here? Where do these anxious tendencies of self-doubt and overthinking come from? To answer these questions, consider looking at childhood. Kids are very smart, sensitive, and perceptive. They are filled with life, and are usually very expressive about their inner world. However, they are also very impressionable, easily and deeply affected by what they see, hear, and witness. On top of all this, kids are also very egotistical by nature, meaning they think everything is about them. As a result, if someone disagrees with them, steers them in a “different” direction, or denies their emotions, they are naturally inclined to think that if anything, the other person is right, and any disagreement comes from them being wrong. In the absence of someone clarifying to the child that his or her perception is not wrong, the child starts to think there is something wrong with themselves. “Others can’t be wrong. It must be me,” thinks the egotistical-by-nature child. However, there is still a part of them that wants to believe what they experienced. While still holding on to their truth, the contradictory message from the external world can confuse them. For example, if Joe is upset, but his parent tells him he should not be upset, Joe is in a dilemma: does he listen to his heart and own that he is upset? Or does he believe his parent who “knows more” that he is actually not upset, or that he should not be upset? Joe is subtly, but powerfully being pulled in different directions here. And the more it happens, the more he learns to doubt himself, and doubt his reality. Am I right? Or are they right? Should I listen to me? Or listen to them?

The Cycle Continues

As this happens repeatedly over time, the seeds of self-doubt have been officially sown. And the child slowly loses trust in their own voice. “After all, if that all-knowing figure didn’t agree with me, then there must be something wrong with me and my perceptions. But something tells me I might be right. But then again, they might know better, and I might be wrong for feeling this way,” is the inner narrative. It all gets complicated, complex, and confusing. Over time, the person learns to lose trust in their perceptions, their experiences, and to defer to what others think. They don’t know what they think anymore. What they feel. What they want. Or, they don’t want to know. So they “conveniently” rely on overthinking to try to get to “the right answer.” But it never comes. Because there is not always a “right answer.” And maybe that is the subconscious point. Keeping the person anxious, stuck, with diminished self-esteem, and low self-worth. (Repeat cycle).

Breaking Free

Fortunately, there is a way out of all this. The antidote to anxiety, self-doubt, and overthinking is not to know everything, but to learn how to trust yourself with everything that happens. I say “again” because I believe deep down we all know what our truth is. We know what we really think, feel, and want. We just need permission to access it, and to understand that we are worth being who we truly want to be and know we can be. That’s where the freedom truly lies. When we can be ourselves genuinely and authentically, and respect others for who they are and where they are in their own journeys.

Without anxiety.

Without any doubts.

Without a second thought.

People Pleasing: What Are You Really Trying To Do?

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People-pleasing has been a commonplace phenomenon for as long as people have existed. It comes up in different ways, across various social settings, and is done for a range of reasons. The practice of people-pleasing refers to our tendency to act in a particular way to evoke pleasant feelings in the people around us. At … Read more

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