Modern society promotes avoidant attachment in various ways. Avoidant attachment style refers to a marked pattern of avoiding emotional closeness and resisting vulnerability in relationships. Often stemming from traumatic upbringings where children did not receive consistent and reliable warmth, love, and security, where feelings were not seen or heard, avoidant attachment style can be reinforced by the environment as well. Sadly, if you have learned that your thoughts, feelings, and emotional experiences don’t really matter, why would you pay attention to them? If you are used to getting rejected for who you are, what you think, or how you feel, why would you want to get close to people ? As a result, people with avoidant attachment style tend to romanticize independence, self-reliance, achievement, and the endless pursuit of all things perfection. All as an unconscious way to avoid closeness and intimate human connection.
One of the most obvious ways modern society promotes avoidant attachment is through the highly digitized world we live in today. With phones, tablet, and computers running so many operations, the “need” for human resources seems to be fading. Why call someone on the phone when you can just text them? Why meet up when you can FaceTime? Why approach someone in person to ask them out, when you can just text through an online dating app? Why hire a human, when a robot will do it for less? While there is value to the use of the above devices, the obsession towards more technology in today’s society is making it easier for people to not engage, and socially acceptable to maintain distance from each other. This dynamic is inadvertently reinforcing us to not get too close to people.
Another way society promotes avoidant attachment is through mass messaging in both fashion and modeling industries that: stoicism is attractive. Have you noticed magazines and billboards tend to show models who lack emotional expression on their faces? Inadvertently, they are saying that if you want to be sexy and attractive, don’t show emotion. Be serious. Act like you don’t care. And that is exactly how many are conditioned to think. While it is not necessary to walk around smiling all the time, many of us have come to believe that the cold look is especially valuable and beautiful. As a society, we are being taught to think that being handsome and pretty means to appear aloof. Usually, smiling and positive expressions invite connection and closeness. Seriousness and cold looks discourage them. And yet, the latter is what modern society is touting on a grand scale.
Movies, TV shows, and songs send avoidant messages, too. How many times have you watched films and television programs that romanticize drama and glorify toxic behaviors? Songs that depict the wistful longing for lost loves who are emotionally unavailable or simply uninterested in them? When you look at the patterns, they are very telling. Enjoying entertainment is a very reasonable and understandable thing. However, the fact that these outlets are so influential means we have to be especially mindful of what we are consuming. When it becomes cool and popular to chase people who are unavailable, control and manipulate others in an arrogant and prideful way, ignore others when they are in emotional turmoil, and do things associated with low self-esteem and self-worth, there is a clear message being sent: it is not good to take care of ourselves, or safe to get emotionally close to other people. These are classic avoidant attachment signs. Inherently, these messages teach us to keep emotional distance, and stay away from emotional intimacy. Sadly, this message gets conveyed in multitudinous ways across different platforms all the time. The lesson? Don’t trust people, move away from them, and focus on the people you can’t have. All these are essentially teaching us that relationships are unsafe, a recipe for heartache, and that it is best to stay away and avoid them.
There is another widely influential industry that in society promotes avoidant attachment as well: health and wellness. When most people think of going to the gym, they think of doing things to get healthy and be fit. What many forget is that the industry is an industry. And it rakes in billions of dollars a year. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy and staying in shape, or with making money, the problem is that the industry has managed to convince millions of people worldwide that their bodies are what give them their value, not who they are as individuals. The push for body perfection, more muscles, less fat, and smaller waistlines is conveying to people that they are only as valuable as they look. And by the way, the standards of “that look” have been prescribed and predetermined by people who don’t even know you. What’s more, interestingly, people at gyms generally don’t talk to each other, either. There is often a serious and focused vibe in gyms, where people are zoned in on their own workout regimens and not interested in talking with other people. Social interaction is generally minimal, and if you show too much emotion, you just might stick out. Furthermore, it is simply not part of the zeitgeist for people to communicate freely and be their authentic selves in these settings. The irony? A swath of people congregate together — all alone.
Finally, the general obsession with being obsessed in today’s society promotes avoidant attachment. Whether it’s with work, achievement, image, looks, materials, or money, the constant focus on “doing” rather than “being” creates an environment where the human aspect of living is often overlooked and generally minimized. In a time where “working hard” is worn like a badge of honor, “being the best” is lauded as the desirable standard, and “having dominance” is the main goal, it is difficult for people to just be regular people. As long as we are occupied and our minds are distracted with things that are not true priorities, we run the risk of living very lonely, emotionally distant lives. And unfortunately, that is how many people today live. Lonely, confused, and unsure. “I worked so hard, I made all this money, I look great, I have all this stuff, I did what society told me to do! And yet, something is still missing” mindset. What’s missing in this equation is genuine and authentic connection. To oneself. And to meaningful others.
We live in a very amazing time in history. With advancements, developments, and breakthroughs happening in almost every sector of society daily, we can do things today more efficiently than any of our predecessors could. At the same time, in the face of these accomplishments, there also seems to be a push towards disconnection. If relationships feel challenging to you today, you are not crazy. They have become challenging. And it’s not just because of the way we were raised. A lot of it has to do with the way we are currently being raised by our world, too. The reality is that modern society promotes avoidant attachment in very real ways, prompting us to run away from connection. Sometimes they are subtle, and other times very much in your face. All you have to do is open your eyes and see. While there is nothing inherently wrong with enhanced technology, having a healthy sense of fashion, wanting to look good, appreciating entertainment, being healthy and fit, or working hard, the problem is when we worship these avenues blindly and immerse ourselves in them while forgetting the purpose of it all to begin with. There is a time and a place for everything. Know what’s happening, and notice that when you do, you are actually less likely to fall prey to the influence. Be alert. Be mindful. Be yourself. Ultimately, the goal is to connect. To be. To exist. With ourselves. With others. And with the world around us.
When you do, you will be the richest person in the world.