Back in 1938, a landmark study began wherein several hundred people were followed for over 80 years. Famously known as the “Harvard Study of Human Development,” this study concluded that peoples’ long term happiness and health is positively associated with the quality of their relationships. Basically, if you want to see how someone is doing mentally, emotionally, and physically, looking at the nature of their relationships can be very telling. Generally, people who report better quality relationship tend to fare better in all these areas. Plain and simple. And it’s easy to understand why. When we feel safe, secure, and calmed by our relationships, life becomes so much more fun to navigate through. And unfortunately, the opposite is true as well. Frequently, people in more secure relationships tend to feel better about themselves and the world, while those in insecure relationships often feel unsettled, ungrounded, and constantly on-edge. To clarify some differences between what secure and insecure relationships look like, in this post, I will outline 3 specific ways that secure relationships differ from insecure relationships.
1. Connection vs. Control. One way secure relationships differ from insecure relationships is that secure relationships prioritize connection. People in secure relationships tend to be more mindful and mutually invested in how their words and actions affect other people. They genuinely care about people. As a result, they are inclined to behave in ways that promote kind, respectful, and empathic exchanges. Notice that such types of interactions usually create a warm atmosphere for people to feel safe being themselves, while allowing others to be themselves as well. Incidentally, this mutual care and considerateness can invite people to be their authentic selves, and enjoy each other’s company in a manner that fills everyone up. On the other hand, insecure relationships generally emphasize the need for control. Usually driven by anxiety, here people may be more inclined to do things to get something out of other people, or perhaps even “one up” them. Often pushing, shaming, and manipulating become go-to moves to get people to do what you want them to do, regardless of how it might make them feel. Here, tabs are kept, and selfish desires prevail with less regard to how others might feel about the actions taken, or how the actions are taken.
2. Dialogue vs. Being Right. Another way secure relationships differ from insecure relationships is that secure relationships usually foster open discussion. This means that when interacting with others, the goal is not to necessarily achieve a particular end goal in a specific way as much as it’s about soliciting the other person for their thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. Naturally, there is a desire for collaboration and mutual exchange. Because the other person matters, too. This may involve asking open-ended questions, seeking clarification, and expressing curiosity to the other person because you value their experience as a human being and want to acknowledge their value as a person. Alternatively, insecure relationships usually become about arguments and winning. They embody an adversarial mindset, where there are “winners” and “losers.” Someone is right, and someone is wrong. This spirit can generate unhealthy competition, and breed resentment in the one who gets the short end of the stick, making them feel smaller, weaker, and inferior. It promotes a sense of selfishness, entitlement, and dismissiveness to how one’s actions may make someone else feel. Unfortunately, this can, in turn, lead to a “dog eat dog” dynamic that will only exacerbate these sentiments.
3. Growth vs. Anxiety. Finally, another way secure relationships differ from insecure relationships is that secure ones promote a sense of personal growth and expansion that is enjoyable and fulfilling for all sides. As we rise and excel in our lives, we want people who will celebrate and exalt our achievements, sharing in our joy. This motivates us to want to be better people and to give back to the world around us with confidence, self-worth, and passion. Furthermore, in this context, one person’s win is not perceived as a threat to others. Instead, everyone can win. Together. And in their own ways. However, insecure relationships tend to create anxiety, fear, and worry in others. Organically, when seeking control is the backdrop, and being right is the objective, it is difficult to feel safe in such a climate. Instead, there is a patterned sense of urgency, scarcity, and alarm that prompts people to push, hustle, and prove in ways that compromise mental and emotional warmth, security and peace. In fact, when operating from such a sense of survival, there is naturally less focus and attention given to what is said, how it is said, or how it may affect other people. Sadly, this can exhaust people, and unknowingly push them away.
When we focus on building connection, engaging in dialogue, and promoting a sense of personal growth in our environments, our relationships can thrive and provide a sense of nourishment to our souls. As people, we are social creatures. We thrive off of emotional closeness, and do our best when we feel whole, complete, and one with ourselves and the world around us. Cultivating healthy and secure relationships is an investment in our own happiness and longevity that can pay dividends for the rest of our lives. The more we can learn how to be in relationships that promote connection, caring, and love from all directions, the healthier and happier we are likely to become.
And the kinder footsteps we will leave for others to step into.
