5 Ways People React to Anxiety in Relationships

Anxiety often serves as a signal that something is wrong. Something is not right. And requires immediate attention. Generally speaking, anxiety ultimately suggests that one does not feel safe in whatever circumstance they are currently in. Perhaps one feels emotionally unseen. Maybe one feels insecure about other peoples’ judgments. Another worries about something bad happening in the future.

People who experience anxiety usually behave in very signature ways. There are distinct patterns in ways people handle anxiety, and much of it is shaped by what they have witnessed growing up in their families and beyond. In fact, it is common for people to mimic behavioral patterns that they have watched on television, movies and social media as well. In this post, I will outline 5 ways people react to anxiety in relationships.

1. Freezing or Being Still. One way people may react to an anxiety-inducing situation is that they will become still and passive. Despite their best efforts to mobilize and say or do what they want, there is an almost spontaneous paralysis that happens where the person may “go blank” and struggle to be themselves in any active manner. Often stemming from an overarching sense of intimidation, the person fears being invalidated and not listened to, prompting them to simply give up. As such, they stew in their anxiety quietly.

2. Fawning or Pleasing. Another way someone might react to an anxiety-arousing circumstance is they will try to please and appease the person who is making them feel anxious. When a person is frightened or overwhelmed by someone’s behavior, and they have nowhere to go, one way to react is to try to “fix” the person’s mood. This could lead to a spontaneous bending over backwards dynamic, where the person learns that if something is not right, they instinctively need to overanalyze the situation, over-explain the solution, and seek to remedy the scenario as quickly as possible to avert further danger and claim safety. Unfortunately, no matter how much the person pleases, tries to “fix” or “solve” perceived problems, nothing is enough. The anxiety persists.

3. Fighting or Aggressing. When a person is in a tight situation with no perceived escape route, it is possible that they will get triggered to get ferocious and cutting as a means to make the danger go away. Here, the person proverbially “sees red” and instinctively adopts a mentality where they feel a need to intimidate the source of the anxiety into backing down. By applying this intense pressure, their aim is to “control” the perceived threat into compliance. Always on the lookout for further threats, the person’s nervous system is on high-alert and can become habitually overactive, wearing them out, while keeping a constant stream of anxiety flowing inside.

4. Flighting or Escaping. Being stuck in an anxious atmosphere for a prolonged period of time can be very taxing on the mind and body. When it goes on for too long, it can prompt an individual to “flee the scene.” This can be a physical flight, but also a mental and emotional one, too. When things get rough and stay rough with no end in sight, sometimes people reflexively might physically run away or fixate on alternative activities to distract themselves. These are where prominent addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, food, work, achievements, money, and shopping begin. By overly focusing on these affairs, the person “conveniently forgets” about things that are actually making them anxious inside. Sadly, it can become a loop, reinforcing their denial of their pain. And the anxiety simply mounts.

5. Being Grounded. A more advanced way to respond to anxiety is to see what is happening, stay level-headed, and make a decision with confidence and security. Perhaps this means the person may be quiet, try to acquiesce, become aggressive, take a break, or even communicate in a manner that invites mutual respect and dignity in the relationship. The difference here is that the person is operating from a more grounded and stable place, where appealing to any of the other reactions is more of a strategic response versus an out-of-control reaction. It’s not about survival anymore. It’s about deliberate, intentional action that comes from a precise audit of what is wrong and what needs to be done. This is where success is truly born.

One of the measures of true wealth in today’s very anxious world is how one reacts to things not going their way. Depending on what the person has seen in their life growing up, or learned from their surroundings, they may be inclined to react to anxiety in any of the above ways, and exploring that could be very valuable. Getting to the solid and grounded state is a powerful place to be, though. Maintaining that in the face of anxiety and disarray is greater than gold.

Imagine someone is being rude, dismissive, disrespectful, aggressive, or otherwise mean to you, and it doesn’t make you lose your shit. Instead, you stay focused, grounded, and calibrated to respond in a way that is both effective and efficient. At that point, you are operating at a level that naturally makes the people around want to meet at a middle ground, leave your presence, or you will minimize time with them. Either way, you are at-peace. Because you realize that you are a human being with self-worth. Who deserves to be treated well.

And you only know this because you are treating yourself well now, too.